The Contingency Plan

Even though the last post was very true to how I was feeling, I'm pleased to report that I've moved on.

Every day at work last week was an 11-12 hour day and the exhaustion affected my emotions. I've had three nights of very solid rest and it's restored calm and clarity.

The situation feels a little ironic. I have Luc on one hand - the man I was with for seven years who horrendously cheated on me and still stupidly entertains the thought of a reunion, and now another ex on the another - a man who represents delicious short term passion and the opportunity for me to possibly be that other woman in his long term relationship (they've been together for at least five years).

But I don't want to resurrect old flames when I'm trying to cleanse myself for new ones. So, I'm proud to say that despite my desire and loneliness, nothing has happened since that night (and nothing happened on "that night" either). No correspondence. No actions. Thoughts have been curbed and I feel really strong.

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My aunty's over from Asia for two months. She lived with us for a few of years when I was younger but I haven't seen her for eight years. Mum recently bought a house out west after leaving her partner of five years so the two of them live there together for now.

The situation is ideal for the two women. My aunty tends to the garden while mum sits nearby, smoking and providing the entertainment. My aunty cooks and mum invites all their friends and relatives by. They scheme and chat for hours. They're generally opposites of each other in character but there are significant things in common. Both have experienced horrific abuse and both have the most generous hearts I've come across. For instance, in addition to her own four children, my aunty has three adopted girls, now in their teens who she took in from prostitutes who couldn't afford them and were about to sell them to madams at other brothels. I've always seen my mum and aunty happily living together as old women.

Wolf and I went to visit them both yesterday, Natasha trailing shortly behind. We ate soy bean eggs, spicy seaweed salad, marinated meat and tofu and beyond the delicious delights, Hugo is learning Mandarin from his two grandmothers, the sound of which brings me indescribable joy.

My cousin, her husband and two teenaged kids came later and Hugo enjoyed hours of undivided attention from everyone, especially his two grandmothers. Natasha and I watched predictable romantic comedies in another room (we're officially in love with Hugh Grant now), gorged on chocolate and quietly shared love life updates so no one else would hear. The house was full, warm and extremely noisy and it was the first time since my parent's separation seven years ago that I've felt home again.

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I realise that I share a lot of my sadness, loss and confusion in this blog, but I'm starting to sense a positive rebirth as well. And this comes slowly as I learn to focus less on the things that I've lost and more on the things that I've gained over the past year - from success at work, to Wolf eating more vegetables, to seeing him happy at kindy, to buying a stunning size 2 frock at a designer store (first time in around five years), to moving up to intermediate/advantaged dance classes and seeing the amazing friends that my phone is filled with.

As I was driving home from Mum's house last night with Wolf asleep in his seat, I realised that in spite of any dramas in my life, I feel really happy. Life doesn't fall in pure seasons and happiness and sadness, instead everything is mixed in together and I have to determine what I want to focus on.

And with Wolf sitting on my lap as I write, the decision isn't all that hard.

What a fabulous statement (and so true):

"I realise that I share a lot of my sadness, loss and confusion in this blog, but [. . .]"

Blogs are usually only one facet of who we are, no? Perhaps we get into writing ruts/comfort spots for certain spaces . . .

I need to think about this deeply (especially in regards to the SI tomorrow!!)

Thanks--xo

Your comment really made me think. Yes, I often write of my lower sentiments. So I read through my written diary today and felt so despondent afterwards. I know my words were a correct reflection of how I felt, but still...

What are you biased towards SQ??

have you heard the Lily Allen album "Alright, Still," esp the song Smile?