The Contingency Plan

My head is over the place lately. Ever since I declared a dating ban, the gods have been testing me, or refining me, either way, I'm challenged. And a total scatterbrain.

I missed dance class tonight because I couldn't find clothes. While searching for shoes I decided to plan my outfit for work tomorrow. By the time I was all sorted, my class had already started. I really needed the energy release. Things are all over the place at home. I'm doing great at work, but invest such long hours and feel empty by the time I leave and still hate my empty house. I'm pushing heavily for a job promotion, which, if it goes ahead at the end of this month, will place me in a director position of sorts at work. I really want this.

So, I'm now sitting at the computer eating dips and crackers. It's delicious stuff, but this is what I eat for dinner when I'm on my own. And canned sardines and occassionally turkish bread too. And chilli. I know it's random, but cooking feels like such a waste of effort. My shopping cart looks like I'm perpetually entertaining!

Luc has totally disappeared since our stupid conversation last week. I told two close girlfriends what had happened, but that was all, so the whole incident has quickly evaporated. Nevertheless it's left me raw. I was upset for days after what he said. I did five dance classes within a three day period. I look great :)

But Luc was overshadowed by someone else last night. He belongs to a short but intense six month relationship I had in around 2003 or 2004. I haven't seen the guy since then but wow, what a shock! We broke up not because our feelings had changed but because he was taken and I didn't want that. He said maybe, hopefully, we'd meet again and could be together when the timing was right.

I didn't expect to see him last night and vice versa. I turned up to the party late and we spent around 30 minutes stunned, looking at each other, candidly admitting how hard yet how good it was to see the other. He asked how he looked (good, better than before). I was thankfully handed two glasses of wine and immediately started smoking. We spent a few hours catching up, neglecting the rest of the party despite jokes from innocent friends that 'something was going on'. Apparently one of my colleagues walked back into the party after handing me alcohol outside and said 'those two definitely know each other. They look like they used to date'.

No, we weren't obvious at all.

Our eye contact was the same as before. The chemistry, still so strong. It took me off guard. I noticed that his leg touched mine as we sat. It wasn't heavy but enough for us both to feel it. And I didn't move away. Neither of us did. The same thing happened when we stood, but with our arms. At times one of us would mention a memory, the other would counter it and then we'd quickly change the subject. I'm surprised at how much he remembers and admits to remembering. When colleagues came out to join us, he told them to go back inside and get a drink. We spent nearly the whole time alone. I hate the way we can so easily talk and how he makes me laugh. He actually asked me what he should do if he was out together with his girlfriend and saw me. I answered that she doesn't know anything, there's no reason for her to, so it should be fine. But the fact that he asked that, in today's context makes me nervous. He said he was shaken to have seen me.

I feel myself at the edge of a dangerous situation. He's still with the same woman. They've bought a house together. I didn't even ask if they were engaged. I don't want to know but suspect they might be.

He left the party four hours after he said that he would. I mentioned also wanting to leave to avoid crazy drunkeness and he immediately told everyone we were going. I gave him a lift home and the ride reminded me of our first kiss. Crazy, delicious and passionate in the back of a cab. I knew, he was thinking the same thing as he sat opposite me as he said, "I can't believe we're here again." We didn't do anything though. He asked the driver to stop at a nearby intersection of his street, kissed me on the cheek and left.

I feel immature and exposed today. How can someone have this effect on me? I'm filled with sadness and desire. I want time to quickly pass so I can try to forget about all of this and bury it within the hectic pace of work and life.

So I keep thinking of the client. The one I mentioned late last month. He called on Sunday night to catch up and invite me to an intimate birthday party he's holding for his birthday next Monday night. He's closing one of his bars and restaurants for the small celebration. His assistant was in touch today for my details.

The ex I saw last night doesn't think I should go out with the client as despite the way we get along, I don't feel that zing. Another friend of mine believes you don't know whether you have the zing until you kiss someone.

I don't know. The only thing I'm certain of, is that I have to stay away from that ex of mine. Both of them.