The Contingency Plan

i find myself battling with the notion of marriage lately.

in one corner sits the idealistic and romantic kazumi. the one who wants to stand in front of her loved ones and profess a deep commitment to one above all others. and have him vow to the same. she dreams of that (almost) smug security, of all the plans that can be made. she wants someone to stand next to her and be a witness to her life - in all of its raw fullness. and she's a damn sucker for a great party, especially one that she's responsible for. she wants the warm celebration, the pictures, the music, that divine dress and all that style. she wants to toast. and she wants to surround herself in that glow and pass it all onto her children.

yet other corner bears a kazumi that is a creation of her experiences. the one that knows nothing in this world lasts forever and that promises are often broken. that you can never guarantee you'll love another for a lifetime and vice versa. you can only speak for today. she wonders whether that promise breeds complacency and utterly unrealistic expectations. she knows the statistics. she kinda believes weddings have become another form of mass consumerism. she's been frightened by the expos and magazines. and don't get her started on the way marriage seems to frame relationships in terms of "success" and "failure", which seems to strip any value and growth from the experience.

i realise this situation is so far removed from my every day life yet i still think about it because i want to form an opinion. i'm not sure if i'm any closer to cementing anything. the farthest i get is the notion that i'm ok with marriage as long as the promises are formed around a commitment to try and work things out when they get tough and not 'til death do us part.

any thoughts??