The Contingency Plan

Perhaps not so coincidentally, my desire to date has waned with the realisation that I'm contently happy with my life. And I'm sincere when I write this. I feel like I have almost everything I need in my life for now. I know this may change, but it's a first since my separation with Luc so I feel good about it. I desperately wanted to replace him and feel relief that it's no longer the case. Nights aren't as hard as they used to be. Alone time doesn't feel as lonely. I can breathe.

Nevertheless, being single has made me sense the absence of touch in our society. I'd hardly get any hugs if I didn't have Wolf!

I met up with Jack about a month ago, and although I have to write about our encounter, he did say something I couldn't argue with, and it's that we can't underestimate the effect of someone else's touch and skin against our own.

I realised this recently when I went for a massage. Instead of booking into a ridiculously priced day spa, I walked into one of those Asian establishments whose walls are filled with diagrams of body parts and accupuncture points, where they serve green tea and wear long white coats for an air of officialness. My place of choice is within a shopping centre that has been nicely decked out, even with the beige wearing pretentious folk who use basic English and speak very. very. slowly. and. clearly. to. those. giving. them. the. massage. unaware that the young men are bilingual and studying degrees in IT, law or medicine.

I digress.

I was lying face down on the massage table and felt embarrassed and a little sad when I realised that the man touching me was the first to do so in some time. And I don't mean it sexually, as it wasn't that kind of a massage, but just in general.

Ok. So I will pre-emptively admit one thing - since our catch up (which certainly came after that massage), Jack and I have entered into some kind of ambigious arrangement where we have a physically connection. I would describe it as occassional sex (in the rare instance that we're both available and in the mood) but he disagrees as he claims he can't just have sex with me due to our "connection" (please note my cynicism). I don't want to date so I don't dedicate a lot of my time to the whole thing.

And due to our history (I unfortunately cannot deny that we have a connection), there are times when we talk about work and books and stuff, but other times when the man contacts me with random things that he wants me to do to him. And our correspondence has made me wonder whether the age old stereotype of the man wanting sex and the woman wanting to be touched isn't that much of a myth after all.

Jack teaches courses in negotiations and so I've been trying to figure out what I really want. I certainly have things to trade, but as I'm writing this I'm thinking of three very simple yet truly intimate things like a massage, touches and kisses and to be held while I sleep. I wish my requests were more debauchted as I'd feel more comfortable requesting them. I'm not sure whether I will ask him for these things though as life is so good and getting my wish could rock my boat a little too much.

Yes. Life is really good, but there are time when a girl just wants to be touched.

green grass . . . I just want to be left alone & not mawed.