The Contingency Plan

She asked while I sat on the couch eating her yummy chicken dish (a garlic, ginger and soy concoction). She was holding Hugo, who was curled asleep in her arms, and we were at Mary's house watching her wedding video. I was happily chewing when Mum asked:

"Umi, if you get married, who will give you away?"

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it. Not Dad. I'll probably walk down on my own," I replied.

"No, you can't do that. Harry should do it. You're close to your brother and he's a good, strong man. He should do it."

"I didn't know you had to be good and strong to qualify," I teased.

"Yes Harry should. If you get married."

But I lied. That definitely wasn't the first time I'd thought of it.

I haven't spoken to my Dad since an argument we had in January. I'm normally soft and forgiving, but my heart has become unusually cold and distant. I forgave him when he kicked me out of home for being with Lucas, I forgave him when he lied to me about all of his affairs, when he refused to pay my mother anything from the divorce, but there are greater unmentionables that I can't forgive him for.

I saw Dad in a store two weeks ago. I went out west to visit some friends and was walking down the main street of the suburb I grew up in when I saw him. I stopped. We made eye contact and as I was about to smile when he slowly turned his back towards me. He then stepped two steps forward and although he wasn't being served, he leant on the counter so his back would completely face me. I knew he had seen me. His eyes had changed when ours met.

I quickly walked back to my car and although I was utterly heart broken, I couldn't cry.

I don't think I'll get Harry to walk me down the aisle. I love him but I don't want a man to give me away to another man, that notion doesn't seem right. As corny as it sounds, if I get married I want Luc and I to give ourselves away to eachother. And maybe we can create a new surname as I simply cannot pronounce his Croatian one properly.