The Contingency Plan

I know it's quite common to feel fatigued these days but seriously, I am stupidly tired lately. I get plenty of sleep, exercise three times a week, I have a healthy diet - there is no good reason for this.

And the exhaustion seems to have seeped into my cells. Yesterday I woke tired after eight hours of sleep, had a 2.5 hour nap in the afternoon and retired for the night at 9pm, totally spent.

Every day is the same, with the exception of the delightful weekend nap.

I did something that I've never done before today: read all of my blog entries since my separation with Luc.

And wow, you guys are really, truly amazing. Junebee, SquirrleyMojo, Bente, Chanchow, Angela Marie, j(oe), D and April - your support has sustained me. Thank you. There's so much wisdom and encouragement in your words. I feel grateful.

To be honest, I didn't plan on reading everything. I merely wanted to check the date that Luc and I had separated, but got hooked.

And I wanted to check the date because I discovered Luc's expecting a baby with his girlfriend.

Yes. She's due in September.

And true to form, I had to tease out the news myself.

I dropped young Wolf at his house this Tuesday morning before driving to work and saw two ultrasound photos next to his television. I picked them up and asked, "are you and K having a baby together?" and he flatly said, "no".

I pointed to the top of the ultrasound photo and said, "this is her name at the top of this photo so I think that you are" and his reply was an infuriating, "well what do you want me to say?"

My intuition had told me this months ago when Wolf had come home talking of having a brother or sister and wanting me to put his toy baby in my belly. I asked Luc back then whether K was pregnant and he denied it. Still such a liar.

So, returning to Tuesday morning, I asked him whether the baby was planned and he said that it wasn't. And the look on his face reminded me how he treated me during my own pregnancy. I normally wouldn't wish that upon anyone else but I guess this situation is a little different. He said he was still in shock.

I congratulated him, said a younger sibling would be good for Hugo and quickly left, thankful for the 30 mins of traffic dividing me from work for quiet contemplation.

And speaking of shock, the news of this has really unsettled me. It hasn't even been a year. She was pregnant only four months after Luc and I officially separated.

I asked him if he had told his mother (I knew he hadn't) and he was silent. He called her that night. The poor woman wrote to me the next day echoing the thoughts of everyone else - let's hope this isn't a repeating pattern. She's terribly upset.

And the real beauty of this fucked up situation is that K and I meant to meet up a few weeks ago. I was tired of not knowing who was spending so much time with my son and called her. I explained that I'm not interested in her personal life with Luc but think we should have a basic relationship as we both look after Hugo. She agreed and said it made sense as she did live there (this was the first time this had actually been confirmed). She was eager to see me and we arranged to have a coffee later that week. She subsequently cancelled and I haven't heard from her since.

Imagine if I had turned up for coffee to meet her as initially planned and saw her pregnant state! Surely someone is looking out for me!

And although I hold such mixed emotions, the consistent thought in mind is 'thank God it's her and not me'.