The Contingency Plan

i've been meaning to write a post on each of these subjects but have honestly lacked the dedication and concentration lately... and the topics range from:

* dealing with the custody arrangement luc has arranged regarding young wolf. it involves alternating weekends and splitting the week in half. i don't like the fact that i don't see him for up to 4-5 days at a time but have promised to try it for a few weeks to see how we go.

* how difficult luc has been to deal with lately. he picks on every. little. thing. i. say, disregarding anything i suggest to only 'create' the same suggestion days later. so i've totally limited our conversations for my sanity's sake. i'm getting better at brushing off his words. and this feels good.

* how his girlfriend is due at the end of september. and how i recently can't seem to deal with being around happy young families.

* about the frightfully fun period of younger men i seem to be going through. with experiences ranging from dates of full intriguing conversation, to delicious kisses, to the best sex i've ever had. there have been four of them within the last few months and their ages range from a shameful 21 to 25. and the best thing about it all is that i don't court the attention - they're the ones chasing me.

* about the control i'm trying to loose when it comes to my love life (following quite an interesting article i have at work, which i'll link to once i'm back there) and the control i'm gaining in my professional life... and how the balance seems to be working a treat.

* and how i'm really close to my ideal weight. this means i've coming close to a loss of 30kgs, which i'm incredibly proud of. i feel pretty good.

Lists are such telling creations that say so much about our times - don't indulge me with the details, just the juicy bits please. And fast.

I have pages of empty ones that I plan to fill... what to wear this week. What to cook. Top five ways to spend my weekend. Seven things I overheard at work today. Ten things in my house that I hide before company arrives.

Frivolous lists abound and I use them as fodder for emails or conversations, often to the delight of my friends.

However, the serious ones are too telling because what I really want is:

More oxygen
Endless recognition
To fall and have my faith restored

And I long to be held above all and the fact that this is so cliche devours any originality I thought was possible within me.