The Contingency Plan

Monday, September 24, 2007

so after three years, this is me....

posted by kazumi at 10:25 pm | link | 3 comments

Sunday, September 23, 2007

natasha and i had an adventure in the city yesterday.

we did a dance class, had an early dinner, went to the movies (hairspray), took ridiculous sticker photos (cried with laughter trying to comprehend the japanese machines), and then chilled on george street, people-watching.

i can't remember the last time i hung out with someone without making any plans. tash and i literally met and made up what to do along the way and had so much fun

some things to note...

* if you're down on money and want some authentic, quality taiwanese food, visit mother chu's in chinatown. for $20 two people can eat boiled pork dumplings with vinegar, hot and sour soup, pancakes with fried egg, marbled beef and tofu with chilli, greens with garlic and bowls of deliciously hot soy bean milk. it's almost criminal for the price. and don't forget the top the meal across the way with some emperor puffs (warm pastry balls with hot custard inside) if you can handle the long lines

* i heart the guy who works at the george street cinemas. although a little young, he makes me want to see more movies, and is the ONLY good looking guy we saw all night

* sticker machines are a fabulous ego booster. it's like those crazy japanese know that soft lighting will make your skin look luminous and then there are all those 'cute' effects for those bad body pics, if you can understand the machines...

* i don't get why so many asians die their hair orange. i understand they've bleached it but haven't gone all the way blonde, i just don't understand why

* tash and i lost count of the number of girls stumbing down george street, not even drunk yet and unable to walk in their pumps, wearing bad underwear underneath tight, short dresses and what's with all the boys wearing fluro tops with tight, white jeans and matching white shoes, bad mullets (shaved sides, seriously now...) or those big and boring, messy, hobbit hair cuts?? am i just getting old?? being there comforted me in the fact that i'm older and (hopefully) wiser in this department!
posted by kazumi at 8:19 pm | link | 3 comments

Sunday, September 16, 2007

WTF

Luc took Hugo and I out for dinner tonight to "chat about things". He intially wanted to take me alone but we couldn't organise a sitter for Hugo in time. I tried to cancel but decided to go as I thought we were going to discuss custody (we don't currently agree).

But no, he wants to get back together.

No lie people, no lie.

Will write more once I've recovered from my shock/rage/utter depression.
posted by kazumi at 8:10 pm | link | 4 comments

Friday, September 14, 2007

The house is silent, with the exception of my fingers tapping on this keyboard and the soft drone of a computer in the background. And although it's windy outside, I've left the door partially open to experience the new sense of warmth in the air.

I can spend hours sitting in moments like these. My mind wanders in and out of daily reflections, dark and quiet moods and pure exhaustion.

I think a lot about work but am learning to more effectively switch off when it's needed. It's a challenge as I presently work over 12 hours a day to ensure my company is powering on, even though Chloe is on maternity leave and even though I'm freelancing four days a week in addition to running my company. But despite five weeks of successfully juggling, I still feel on edge most of the time, just barely grasping all of the straws.

The big agency offered me a full time position two weeks ago, purely on my own terms and the thought of working there absolutely excites me. I can have as much time as I like to figure out my next steps, can take time off work altogether and even start permanently in the new year if I wish to. It's up to me. The mentoring, training and creativity within the large and international business structure there fascinates me. I would be stepping into a senior role and they're willing to work around my hot buttons to determine the clients I would like to work on. The accounts are really interesting and I dare say, easy in comparison to the smaller clients of my own. The pay would be consistent, the best in the industry (for an agency position, in-house always pays more) and the career opportunities there are absolutely enormous.

I've loved the senior role I've had to date. I really get a kick out of mentoring the junior staff and feel I have a lot to give. They seem to be taking to it well as I'm often consulted now for advice on everything from media angles to campaign strategies to client relations. I've had three different Account Directors write to the MD raving about my work and ideas, which is such an enormous compliment and a colleague today even said that I have a calming effect on her! I know that I'm raving and could sound boastful, but in fact I haven't had the opportunity to share this with many, with exception of my immediate family and the lawyer. It feels so damn uplifting and good for my soul to be encouraged like this and engrossed in something other than my love life.

And I love the social aspect of being in the office again and meeting so many new people. The energy has such a positive effect on me and I've realised how much my extroverted personality has missed the daily company of others.

Anyway, although I'm still very committed, I feel myself moving away from my own company. I have no idea how I'm going to breach the news to Chloe or logistically separate from the business. I haven't been able to tell Chloe as I know she's struggling with the change of having two children, can still be a bit hormonal and I don't want to add further pressure to either of our already strained lives! In the meantime I'm focused on doing the best job I can so I leave the company in the best position it's been in. I figure I owe us that much.

I'm excited though. And so very relieved to have a contingency that ensures Hugo and I will have a financially viable future.
posted by kazumi at 11:46 pm | link | 3 comments

Monday, September 10, 2007

Wolf is asleep and I'm sitting, tipsy, in front of my laptop after drinking a glass of the delightful Reisling I bought while away with the girlfriends this weekend. Our new au-pair has gone out with our old one, the baton happily passing from one to another.

One glass and I feel almost drunk... one glass.

And I've decided, while in this lush obscurity that I need to find someone frivolous to date. Need. Need. Need. Nothing serious. He has to have a fatal flaw so I don't fall.

I need to so desperately because I have spoken to the lawyer almost everyday for the past two weeks and find myself missing him when I don't. We joke, we laugh, we share. Our conversations are always interesting and witty. He makes me laugh. I have a great time whenever we go out for dinner (weekly, just the two of us). He thinks that speaking every day isn't too much, but I'm starting to think that is. We usually chat before sleeping at night and I don't want to let go of the fantasy as it's something. I currently have nothing and Hugo has come home saying the name of Luc's girlfriend, the one he still denies.

My infatuation is stupid as the lawyer isn't right for me. I don't think we have the same interests. He's a borderline hypocondriac. He's a mamma's boy who lives a relatively priveledged and sheltered life. It would never work. But he's sweet, considerate, funny, handsome, successful and we have chemistry. We talk for hours. God, I miss that zing. If he didn't have a girlfriend I would say we were already seeing eachother. Can you see how stupid that alone sounds? This is fucking stupid after what Luc has done to me, even if it is just flirting. The lawyer hates Luc too. What on earth am I doing to myself? Please don't answer this.

We're having dinner on Wednesday night, the lawyer and me, and I think I'll give our correspondence a serious break after that. I have to for my own self-preservation.
posted by kazumi at 9:50 pm | link | 1 comments

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Life has fallen into quite an easy pattern since my separation with Luc. Things are pretty predictable during the week: Hugo stays with me and Luc visits around three times a week after work to see him (which allows me to go out for dinner or to a dance class). The weekends however, are different.

Luc has Hugo one weekend and I have him the next so my weekend with Hugo is filled with playing, parks, cooking, cleaning, general organisation and catching up on work. The free weekend is packed with dance classes, nights out and basically as much socialising and escapism as I can pack in.

I was happily anticipating this weekend. Hugo met me in the city after work on Friday night and we had an adventure through the city, which ended in Chinatown eating dumplings and soy bean soup (Hugo's favourite), followed by these fresh, hot custard pastry balls called "emperor puffs". We then came home, Hugo watched a movie and I had a fun three hour conversation with the lawyer, which ended at 1am. I was feeling confident and quite content.

But just when I thought I was ok... I woke up yesterday already sobbing after a nightmare where I had confronted Luc about his affairs. I was slapping him with this belt like apparatus and he silently took it, his face at times warping into that of my father's. I was really sobbing in the dream and feeling such an extreme rage.

It hurt to wake, already physically weeping so heavily. I was so disappointed and Hugo and I both got out of bed feeling groggy and frustrated. Hugo was quite whingy and fussy for the rest of the day and I was plain depressed. I tried but couldn't lift myself out of my funk, so instead I wrote, really subconsciously, trying to release whatever I was thinking of.

And then I wrote it. I still love Luc. I miss him. I'm devastated. Totally heartbroken.

I looked through the earlier pages of my journal and suddenly understood why. How could I forget? Pages and pages of detailed plans for our wedding, locations both here and in Canada we both liked, dress shapes, people to invite... then there were floor plans for the two houses we made an offer for, plus a list of things we would improve in each place, how excited we were... names we both liked for the child we had planned to start trying for around now.

And so I've accepted that I'm in some kind of mourning, and since accepting this, the thought of someone else is totally repulsive.

We've been officially separated for three months now. I guess I can't expect to already be over it so soon.
posted by kazumi at 7:05 pm | link | 1 comments