The Contingency Plan

as i mentioned in my last post, i've been quite nostalgic lately and this has caused me to seek out people i was close with in the past.

i've been particularly tracking down two people:
1. carlos
2. scott

carlos.
carlos and i have known each other since we were eleven and developed a particularly close friendship once school had ended. we were always in the same classes, both nerds, both from a christian background, both played the piano, etc.

far from the egg head he was deemed in our junior years, carlos developed into quite a catch - south american, jet black curls, clear green eyes, olive skin and a perfect physique that all the girls adored. he actually had a small fan club of girls a couple years younger than us. it's your classic ugly duckling case. and it's then the intelligence became a major bonus as unlike most of the guys at our school, carlos would actually get a job.

carlos and i spoke about everything - our families, religion, spirituality, relationships, sex, friends, careers, books, music and martial arts - he became an absolute martial arts addict and i could relate as it's something that still dominates my dad's life. i was pretty passionate about dancing back then so i could relate to the dedication.

people from our parents to our english teacher wanted us to date but it never happened. i guess we never made the move from being good friends to something more. there was chemistry but i could never see him more than a childhood friend, so i set him up with nearly all of my girlfriends instead. he used to joke and say we would've worked out if things with luc didn't gell, ah, who knows...

the last time carlos and i spoke was when i told him i was pregnant. i think he was sceptical about me and luc being back together and earlier in that conversation we discussed an issue we'd faced a few years back involving money.

luc and i were oh so broke when luc first came to australia and carlos offered us a small loan, which we foolishly accepted thinking we'd be able to quickly repay it. it unfortunately took a couple years. we had obviously moved on but carlos, for the record wanted to let me know that he felt used. i felt horrible, even though we did all we could to repay him quickly, luc even built him a computer he needed afterwards for free as a thank you. i wished we never went through with it. it was the last and only time i've borrowed money since.

and the conversation ended in the middle of nowhere. i was in a cab and had reached the office so i said that i'd call him back. it was friendly. there was no issue. i never called back.

anyway, i've totally lost contact with him. he's changed his home address, phone numbers, email addresses - everything. i managed to track down the home number of his parents and spoke to his brother (who remembers me) but they didn't have any details.

there was something about the story that didn't add up though so i called back again today and spoke to carlos' brother once more.

it turns out carlos' business went into liquidation and although he's going ok, he moved interstate last month and his family claim never to contact him and don't give his details to anyone.

apparently carlos was in touch on the weekend though and has my home number.

i hope he calls.

Over the past week I've fallen victim to a strong case of nostalgia. I keep thinking about high school, friends I haven't seen in years, I've googled, called and written emails, revelled in the mock investigative work.

I even rang my old high school today to find out whether a 10 year reunion has already/will be taking place. Nope, nothing. I was secretly relieved to know I hadn't missed out, even though I would question my attendance. Apparently these events are held close to the end of the year. They asked if I wanted to coordinate it. I would if I kept in touch with anyone.

And I keep thinking about my high school crushes. I can still conjure up the intensity of those first-time emotions, the jitters, the way they BAM took hold.

I never pursued any of them (out of fear of not wanting to hurt the feelings of friends also bearing the same crush), so instead I flirted like mad, danced at the borders, gave myself a million makeovers, wrote bad poetry and pined.

And you??

There's so much I want to blog about lately but my mind has been so scattered with work, Hugo, changing au-pairs, family issues and my own health. And then there are contemplations about God and religion, my self esteem, friendships, things with Lucas, parenting, fashion and music... on and on and on.

The past week or so has been consumed by a high profile account I'm just dying to discuss but cannot. The work is challenging and different to my usual realm of corporate publicity as it involves a serious human rights issue.

I've been swept up with the intensity and urgency of it all and entertained at how it sits with my other projects. For instance there have been days where I've met with beauty journalists to discuss the makeup products in the morning or have gone to a fashion launch in the afternoon and have then met with high end lawyers, film makers and authors at night to strategise and plan next steps for this other account. It's so out of my league and at times it feels so random, even though I'm enjoying the ying and yang and our encouraging progress to date.

And beyond bolstering my confidence, I've been moved to read more, research and shove former laziness aside to form an opinion on things. Or at least have some idea of what everyone's talking about ;)

... So today's Rachael's last day with us. The past week has been enveloped with a silent sadness as our enjoyable time has come to an end so quickly. We drop her off at the bus station tonight and she'll travel to Byron Bay, Brisbane, Cairns, Darwin, Ayers Rock, Adelaide (huh? why?), Melbourne and then Sydney again before returning home to Germany. She'll naturally come back to stay with us when in Sydney to pick up some luggage we've agreed to hold and to relax, shower, have a good meal and rest up before the big trip home. I think it'll provide a nice sense of closure.

The poor thing has been madly dieting lately. I formerly joked about encouraging Rachael to eat, but she's enjoyed my cooking so much that she's gained over 10kgs over the six months with us. Oops. We've tried to help but unfortuately her mother's 'dietary advice' is to eat as much potatos, pasta and rice as possible to 'soak up' fluid retention. Okay......

Not ones to sentimentally dwell over things, Luc and I are already interviewing another au-pair tomorrow afternoon. I'm quite excited at the newness of it all but a little disheartened at all the training I'll have to conduct. Ah well. New slate, right?

Even though things are moving quickly, I don't want to rush as it'll be nice to have some family time with just the three of us. It's a battle as I'm having day-surgery on Friday and Luc starts a new job the following Monday so the help will be needed. Thankfully my mother is staying over for a few days. I'm looking forward to it.

Anyway, I'm not sure how to finish off this post so I'll leave you all with a picture of 20 month old Hugo. Uh-huh. He'll be two in just four months time.

Crikey.

Luc and I had an arguement today and then I nearly ran him over.

I swear it was an accident.

Today I visited the newborn baby of a close friend and realised how BIG Hugo is now. The tiny baby was so small and still and Hugo was gentle and sweet. In a few months time he'll be two years old. Wow. He's growing to be such an active, sensitive and cheeky boy. We have such fun. I'd normally be considering another child but no, ma body canne handle it just yet.

I'm still so frustrated with my body.

I became quite depressed after my day surgery was cancelled last Friday, or the one before that. I couldn't blog because I felt so empty. The official name of my problem is an anal fistula and mine is special because the tear (which occuring during childbirth) goes from my bowel to some place in my vagina. Day surgery is required to connect the dots before things can get mended.

And the utterly soul-crushing side-effects include sometimes shitting myself through my vagina. It's not a lot and I do it unknowingly because I simply don't have control over it. It's so very depressing. Gone are the days of g-strings, or dignity for that matter. It doesn't happen everyday, but it's still too often and I'm so very angry at the condescending fuckwit of a doctor I had for over a year who dismissed the problem as if I was dreaming it up.

My mother knows about it but she's really the only one only because it's often too hard to talk physically with someone about it. I still get really upset. This feels so dirty and degrading and upsetting and really, I try to deal with it by realising how much of a gorgeous son I'm lucky to have.

My specialist and doctor told me that I can't give birth naturally again (c-section is very highly recommended to ensure the tearing doesn't recur) and frankly, I'm not sure if I'm up for it again.