The Contingency Plan

Where do you find it these days??

55555555555555555555555555555555555555555
55555555555555555555555555555555555
5555555555555555555555555555555555
555555555555555555555555555555555

5555555555555555555555555555
5555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555
5555555555555555555555555555555555555555
5555555555555555555555555555555555555
555555555555555555555555555555555555555

ghjkikuytrtre55555555555555555555555555555

5545555dfsazxxcvbnnbnm. bbbbbbnm,,./;;;ppopioo009876398541y
ipkhgdaaq259=op147854963
nnnnnnnnnghhhhgggfdxzaaqw4ery7y0o554e45tyyghygttrtrtrtftytfjgsaq
2468=-i9bnmm,mi

Even though the last post was very true to how I was feeling, I'm pleased to report that I've moved on.

Every day at work last week was an 11-12 hour day and the exhaustion affected my emotions. I've had three nights of very solid rest and it's restored calm and clarity.

The situation feels a little ironic. I have Luc on one hand - the man I was with for seven years who horrendously cheated on me and still stupidly entertains the thought of a reunion, and now another ex on the another - a man who represents delicious short term passion and the opportunity for me to possibly be that other woman in his long term relationship (they've been together for at least five years).

But I don't want to resurrect old flames when I'm trying to cleanse myself for new ones. So, I'm proud to say that despite my desire and loneliness, nothing has happened since that night (and nothing happened on "that night" either). No correspondence. No actions. Thoughts have been curbed and I feel really strong.

---

My aunty's over from Asia for two months. She lived with us for a few of years when I was younger but I haven't seen her for eight years. Mum recently bought a house out west after leaving her partner of five years so the two of them live there together for now.

The situation is ideal for the two women. My aunty tends to the garden while mum sits nearby, smoking and providing the entertainment. My aunty cooks and mum invites all their friends and relatives by. They scheme and chat for hours. They're generally opposites of each other in character but there are significant things in common. Both have experienced horrific abuse and both have the most generous hearts I've come across. For instance, in addition to her own four children, my aunty has three adopted girls, now in their teens who she took in from prostitutes who couldn't afford them and were about to sell them to madams at other brothels. I've always seen my mum and aunty happily living together as old women.

Wolf and I went to visit them both yesterday, Natasha trailing shortly behind. We ate soy bean eggs, spicy seaweed salad, marinated meat and tofu and beyond the delicious delights, Hugo is learning Mandarin from his two grandmothers, the sound of which brings me indescribable joy.

My cousin, her husband and two teenaged kids came later and Hugo enjoyed hours of undivided attention from everyone, especially his two grandmothers. Natasha and I watched predictable romantic comedies in another room (we're officially in love with Hugh Grant now), gorged on chocolate and quietly shared love life updates so no one else would hear. The house was full, warm and extremely noisy and it was the first time since my parent's separation seven years ago that I've felt home again.

---

I realise that I share a lot of my sadness, loss and confusion in this blog, but I'm starting to sense a positive rebirth as well. And this comes slowly as I learn to focus less on the things that I've lost and more on the things that I've gained over the past year - from success at work, to Wolf eating more vegetables, to seeing him happy at kindy, to buying a stunning size 2 frock at a designer store (first time in around five years), to moving up to intermediate/advantaged dance classes and seeing the amazing friends that my phone is filled with.

As I was driving home from Mum's house last night with Wolf asleep in his seat, I realised that in spite of any dramas in my life, I feel really happy. Life doesn't fall in pure seasons and happiness and sadness, instead everything is mixed in together and I have to determine what I want to focus on.

And with Wolf sitting on my lap as I write, the decision isn't all that hard.

My head is over the place lately. Ever since I declared a dating ban, the gods have been testing me, or refining me, either way, I'm challenged. And a total scatterbrain.

I missed dance class tonight because I couldn't find clothes. While searching for shoes I decided to plan my outfit for work tomorrow. By the time I was all sorted, my class had already started. I really needed the energy release. Things are all over the place at home. I'm doing great at work, but invest such long hours and feel empty by the time I leave and still hate my empty house. I'm pushing heavily for a job promotion, which, if it goes ahead at the end of this month, will place me in a director position of sorts at work. I really want this.

So, I'm now sitting at the computer eating dips and crackers. It's delicious stuff, but this is what I eat for dinner when I'm on my own. And canned sardines and occassionally turkish bread too. And chilli. I know it's random, but cooking feels like such a waste of effort. My shopping cart looks like I'm perpetually entertaining!

Luc has totally disappeared since our stupid conversation last week. I told two close girlfriends what had happened, but that was all, so the whole incident has quickly evaporated. Nevertheless it's left me raw. I was upset for days after what he said. I did five dance classes within a three day period. I look great :)

But Luc was overshadowed by someone else last night. He belongs to a short but intense six month relationship I had in around 2003 or 2004. I haven't seen the guy since then but wow, what a shock! We broke up not because our feelings had changed but because he was taken and I didn't want that. He said maybe, hopefully, we'd meet again and could be together when the timing was right.

I didn't expect to see him last night and vice versa. I turned up to the party late and we spent around 30 minutes stunned, looking at each other, candidly admitting how hard yet how good it was to see the other. He asked how he looked (good, better than before). I was thankfully handed two glasses of wine and immediately started smoking. We spent a few hours catching up, neglecting the rest of the party despite jokes from innocent friends that 'something was going on'. Apparently one of my colleagues walked back into the party after handing me alcohol outside and said 'those two definitely know each other. They look like they used to date'.

No, we weren't obvious at all.

Our eye contact was the same as before. The chemistry, still so strong. It took me off guard. I noticed that his leg touched mine as we sat. It wasn't heavy but enough for us both to feel it. And I didn't move away. Neither of us did. The same thing happened when we stood, but with our arms. At times one of us would mention a memory, the other would counter it and then we'd quickly change the subject. I'm surprised at how much he remembers and admits to remembering. When colleagues came out to join us, he told them to go back inside and get a drink. We spent nearly the whole time alone. I hate the way we can so easily talk and how he makes me laugh. He actually asked me what he should do if he was out together with his girlfriend and saw me. I answered that she doesn't know anything, there's no reason for her to, so it should be fine. But the fact that he asked that, in today's context makes me nervous. He said he was shaken to have seen me.

I feel myself at the edge of a dangerous situation. He's still with the same woman. They've bought a house together. I didn't even ask if they were engaged. I don't want to know but suspect they might be.

He left the party four hours after he said that he would. I mentioned also wanting to leave to avoid crazy drunkeness and he immediately told everyone we were going. I gave him a lift home and the ride reminded me of our first kiss. Crazy, delicious and passionate in the back of a cab. I knew, he was thinking the same thing as he sat opposite me as he said, "I can't believe we're here again." We didn't do anything though. He asked the driver to stop at a nearby intersection of his street, kissed me on the cheek and left.

I feel immature and exposed today. How can someone have this effect on me? I'm filled with sadness and desire. I want time to quickly pass so I can try to forget about all of this and bury it within the hectic pace of work and life.

So I keep thinking of the client. The one I mentioned late last month. He called on Sunday night to catch up and invite me to an intimate birthday party he's holding for his birthday next Monday night. He's closing one of his bars and restaurants for the small celebration. His assistant was in touch today for my details.

The ex I saw last night doesn't think I should go out with the client as despite the way we get along, I don't feel that zing. Another friend of mine believes you don't know whether you have the zing until you kiss someone.

I don't know. The only thing I'm certain of, is that I have to stay away from that ex of mine. Both of them.

Not sure how to properly say this... I think Luc is trying to somehow get back together with me, or at least open that option again.

We were chatting about his baby yesterday and he said that he's still shocked about how things have turned out. He didn't want to have this experience (childbirth) with anyone but me. He's doesn't know why things ended up between us the way that he did. He's made such a mess and doesn't know what to do. He's jumped from one person to the next and hasn't resolved how he feels about me, nothing's changed since we split up last year.

He then asked (again) if I'd be willing to move with him to Europe.

No lie people. No lie.

Although most of Sydney is cursing this weather, I'm relishing the rain. I've watched more movies, have enjoyed more time with Wolf and eaten more food than I have in months. I'm bored, but very lazy... hence we watch more movies and cook more food. To my surprise Wolf seems to enjoy it too.

So... I find myself living two very different lives. I know I've delved into this before, but it still messes with my mind.

For instance, in the last half of last week, I had a BIG drinking night with my colleagues until the wee hours of the morn, the next night was an MTV party with various media and socialites where I stayed out partying until 3am, pashed a gorgeous but very gay fashion photographer, then Wolf came over the next day at 2pm and I've spent my time since then being a totally domesticated mother. All signs of the the partying extraordinaire that I was have been superficially banished... for now.

Last weekend was the same. I went down to Melbourne with a friend for work and we totally fell in love with the city. There are so many men down there! We gorged on breath-takingly delicious food and were thoroughly entertained by the bars and clubs. I then returned home late Sunday morning and spent the rest of the day with Wolf, playing with trucks, drawing pictures, making dinner, giving him a bath and getting him ready for bed, before dropping him at kindy the next day.

This contrast of life isn't just limited to the weekends either. Weekdays are the same, especially the ones where Wolf spends time with Luc. I usually work back those nights as coming home to a totally empty house is strange. The spaces are big, cold and silent, I eat snacks for dinner and smoke cigarettes, sleep is tricky and harder to achieve. I'm reading a lot more than I used to.

There are many moments when I'm thankful for the difference, but there are many when it feels overwhelming. I miss Hugo so much when he's away. My time can feel pointless without him around, especially when I'm in a bar trying to be picked up by a self-engrossed 22 year old. I try to quickly fill the minutes until Wolf is with me again. I realise these things will take time.

On a different note, to my surprise, nearly all thoughts of the beautiful man I previously discussed have subsided and have been replaced with interest towards an industry contact I saw for the first time in around five years during the week. He's older, funny and I find him fascinating. I definitely get the sense he's interested in me. In a matter totally cliche, our eyes kept meeting at random moments during the night. He kept telling others how stunning he thought I looked, how glad he is to see me, how he loves my really short hair (it's seriously short) and how the industry's missed having me around. Or maybe his interest was clear when he wanted us to leave the party and go to another pub together (we didn't, I still had to look after clients), or when I jokingly asked about what kind of woman he hasn't dated (he's dated every kind from strippers to belly dancers to phD students) and he cheekily replied, "a half asian, half irish mother of a three year old boy". Cheeky.

Anyway, no plans have been made since we saw each other, simply talks of a drink soon so I'll have to keep you posted. And I'll have to keep my own emotions in check to ensure I'm casually getting involved and not aggressively trying to fill time as mentioned above. And to make sure my boundaries are healthy. And my expectations too high. Or too low.

Sigh.

I'm excited though. And the level of excitement I feel exceeds that which I felt when the beautiful man emailed me during the week to ask me how my week has been and when we can catch up next.

Ok. Movie time. I'm hungry.

Can someone tell me why the movie, "P.S I love you" has been categorised in the "romantic comedy" department here?

Seriously! I've never cried so damn hard in a film before!


P.S. I'm absolutely convinced that I'm destined to be with Gerard Butler. Just so you know.