The Contingency Plan

I'm disappointed. I have a resolution of loosing a lot of weight this year, but have done very little, ok nothing, to move towards this goal. I haven't even left the couch.

I'm such an emotional eater. Extremes find me easily here. I was anorexic for years when I was a teen (who wasn't!) and as soon as I hit my early 20s, I snagged a great boy, felt confident and comfortable for the first time and ate to make up for all of those missed meals.

But I can't use this past behaviour as an excuse anymore. I know better. I'm being lazy. So I've spent the last hour or so creating an eating plan that contains lots of good, healthy foods for breastfeeding mothers. Baby steps, baby steps.

I really hope it will inspire me to change.

There's a thunderstorm brewing and Hugo is lying on the couch between me and his Dad. He's covered with a light, crisp, white blanket and makes eyes that sit from Lucas to me and back again. He smiles. Lucas rubs his belly and everytime he does Hugo quickly kicks his legs and waves his arms. His breath becomes fast and he coos with a voice so beautifully fresh, pure and joyful.

We can now hear the outside pitter patter and this moment feels like perfection. My insides implode.

Lucas slowly rises in search of water and Hugo's eyes follow him, wait and look for him until he returns. They already share such a strong bond.

I'm watching MTV and "Blister in the sun" by the Violent Femmes is playing. This song was one I shared with Sophie.

We were in Byron Bay and the year was 1999. My manager at work had just fired me because I didn't want to move in with him and Sophie quit out of disgust. We each bought $600 worth of clothes with the last of our 50% discount and a one-way train ticket to Byron Bay. We were only meant to stay three days, but returned home ten days later.

"Blister in the sun" was playing the night we arrived. It was August so locals were littered here and there across the bar. We were the only ones dancing with eyes tightly closed and singing along at first, but then with crazy arms, shrugging shoulders, spirit fingers and smiles. Later that night I shaved my head.

That trip was fine liberation.

Life is starting to feel normal again. I've really enjoyed the last two days.

Although Hugo's routine has been a little out of whack, I'm sticking to our routine in the hopes it'll pan out. I'm using a method Chloe learnt from a reputable baby guru but don't know the full extent of the method. I have the guru's details but despite raving testimonials from devoted followers, she costs $160 per visit and I'm just not willing to pay that much... for now. We'll see.

I'm consistently reminded how lucky and very blessed I am. I used to be very wary of the word 'blessed', but I feel it. Having a baby has given me strength, but has also made very vulnerable as I treasure Hugo and Lucas more than I can express.

I took Hugo to the doctor today to get his immunisation shots and Mum and Natasha came along for the ride. I thankfully had to cuddle him around the torso as I couldn't watch him it get done. My job was to act as a comforting distraction that would keep him firmly on the bed and I was relieved to hold him during it. He cried and actually screamed a little. It was heart-breaking.

He's been upset since the shots, but has slept and fed a lot which has helped. I hope he feels better tomorrow.

And on the topic of feeding, he's become quite a big baby that looks almost double his age. He now weighs 7.6kgs - he was 5.5kgs the week before Christmas. Newborn clothes no longer fit him. Crikey. I think his weight gain may also be linked to my aching knees. It hurts to bend them. I used to get this every now and then as a result of years of dancing, but it's now ridiculous. I don't think I'm lifting him correctly so I'm going to try a more supportive method in the hopes it'll help. Having bad knees isn't good for climbing nine flights of stairs each day.

Tomorrow's my first book club meeting for the year. Although I bought the book... I unfortuately haven't read it yet. BUT my NY resolution was to read them all. I didn't specify when. Oh dear. I've also invited Lucas to come along and we're taking Wolfie as the worms are eager to meet him. I'm looking forward to seeing them all again.

I also hoping to have dinner with Anna beforehand as the office is just down the road from the book club meeting. She hasn't been doing too well. I have strong instincts when it comes to her. For example, I was worried about her over the weekend and she apparently broke down at a party due to stress from work. The last time this happened was last November. I had a dream where she was crying with big, exaggerated bags under her eyes and the next day she fainted at the office (again stress related). Anna has very strong character, but is quickly burning out there. She's been chucked in the deep end and they don't have the decency to throw her an inflatable of any kind. The only air she receives is their words and I know exactly what that feels like.

Anna and I were close at work but she never really calls or emails me anymore. She's always too busy working or partying, but I feel like she needs some support. I think I would like the same if I were in her situation.

1. Have Hugo all to myself... guilt free!
2. Pee or shower with the door open
3. Watch tv with the sound turned up loud
4. Leave my breasts out to dry after nursing
5. Enjoy family time alone with Lucas and Hugo
6. Stay in my underwear for early morning feeds
7. Use the hot water without fear of it running out
8. Decide between two bedrooms to sleep in at night
9. Watch 'Sex and the City' without feeling uncomfortable
10. Have loud sex
    

Today has been a reality check. I relish the time I now have to relax, but no longer have full time housework and baby support.

Lucas also went back to work so I went from having four people here to just me. I didn't have a chance to shower until Lucas returned from work from all the feeding, changing, laundry and cleaning. I'll have to be a lot more organised now. Damn.

It's the night before their departure and I'm sitting on the couch feeling heavy. After a rocky start, we now get along and feel like family. I'm going to miss them, especially Lucas' Mum.

They went to bed around an hour ago and Lucas and I sat here thinking how quiet it was. The three weeks have flown by so fast.

I'll be starting a new routine tomorrow and I hope Hugo settles into it easily. Having the in-laws stay was great, but in particular I was out with the baby nearly every day so my confidence has sky-rocketed and I no longer need a stuffed baby bag before venturing out.

For the last five days I've also been feeding him at specific times to establish a routine and it's certainly paid off. Hugo now sleeps throughout the night - from around 10.30pm - 6am. It's absolute bliss. He's far more alert and playful during the day and has become a little smiling chatterbox. Seeing a smile transform his chubby little face when he sees me and sharing baby conversations are my new addictions. I adore him. My life is so enriched.

Although my routine seems to be working, I declined another job offer a few days ago. It was with a budding record company who found me through a friend. I know she meant well, but this friend thought I'd have lots of extra time because I'm 'just a mum right now'.

Just a mum.

I'm amazed at how many working women I know treat having a baby like like a side project to work on before happily returning to the workplace.

Don't get me wrong, I love hard work and value my career, but am annoyed at how people underestimate the role and importance of motherhood and overestimate workplace satisfaction. It's like being traditional is suddenly radical. I no longer value my career above all and this is shocking.

When I was pregnant, many of my colleagues felt sorry for me. They didn't say it, but I could sense it in their tone and could hear it in the whisper of the walls. Apparently my life was over. I'd have to leave work. God, I'd have to deal with with a baby!

"Goodbye and good luck Kazumi," said a company director on my last day.

"And have fun if," she suddenly stopped in mid-sentence.

I smiled.

"'If I can' is what you want to say isn't it?" I asked.

"Yes, but I realised it wasn't appropriate," she said blushing.

"I wouldn't worry," I replied.

"I'm really looking forward to it."

In a company of thirty women, four out of our five company directors are childless. These are women in their late thirties and forties who are successful and amazing professionals during working hours, but I've had conversations with them when they're drunk and lonely, when they've realised they've passed the chance to have children, and when work has become their everything and I just don't want it.

Work just isn't worth it.

And this is why I refuse to ever say that I'm 'just' a mum. My hope is now to raise someone loved and wonderful.

The argument with Lucas' parents was stupid. They were uncomfortable with our generosity and wanted to refuse further hospitality. Lucas and I naturally shout them all we can and Mum had taken them out for yum cha and had also organised another harbour-side meal and a Bridge Climb, which they were really looking forward to.

Lucas' Mum was ok with this but her fiance wasn't. He's the kind that likes to split everything straight down the line, he separates his things from everyone else's and meticulously watches his items. None of my family are like this. Lucas and I aren't like this. But he wanted to refuse it all - the lunch and the Bridge Climb, which my Asian mother would've found insulting and very inconvenient as it was all was non-refundable. This was her gesture to welcome them into the family and show them a good time.

So we had a 45 minute 'discussion'. Lucas was bewildered and unhappy so I ended up doing most of the talking. Once we got chatting I realised they wanted to do everything we planned but didn't want to accept it as a gift. Lucas and I found it to be a weak excuse.

In the end they gave in on the proviso that we split everything from here on end. They also wanted more time alone, but positioned it as not wanting to burden or inconvenience us, which we tried to correct, but by this point I felt emotionally drained so I too gave in and went to bed heavy and dishearten. I'd tried so hard to unite us as a family and felt this was destroyed within an instant - it was us and them and they liked it that way. I'd just have to deal with it.

My immediate family life wasn't going too well either. Earlier in the day, Lucas had called Dad to offer to sell him our car. Lucas gets along with Dad better than I do and they talk cars together all the time. Dad really likes our vehicle and was coincidentally looking for one to buy for Natasha so it was a timely offer. We could get substantially more money if we sold the car privately but knew Dad was working to a budget and we'd rather keep it in the family.

So Lucas called Dad and Dad said he was flat broke and we'd have to get the money from Mum. We said he could pay us later but he refused this as well. This is where things get messy as I know Dad isn't broke. In fact, he's just spent $10k on his unemployed girlfriend, giving her a three month holiday to Africa so she can visit her family. You see, he not only paid the flight and expenses for her and her two year old child, but also forked out money to cover their rent during her trip.

I was absolutely livid. Mum consistently supports my brother and sister and has had to threaten legal action for Dad to do so. Plus, I don't understand how he can be so generous with his girlfriends (I recently found out he has more than one) and then be so stingy with his own children.

So I called him and before I knew it I was crying and telling him that he's going to end up a sad and lonely old man if he continues to consider his children as an after-thought behind his girlfriends and their children. He's only seen Hugo three times and on each occasion I'd hassled him over. And I hate doing it as he should be thankful after all he's done.

Dad tried to condescendingly brush me off. He said he didn't want to talk about it, that I knew nothing and was a silly and illogical girl, so I then said the one thing none of his children have said in fear of hurting his feelings.

I said I couldn't believe he had the gall to treat us so badly after he'd screwed around on Mum for so many years.

He then hung up on me, disconnected the phone and turned off his mobile. I haven't heard from him since.

I've been in touch with Natasha (another story) and Dad apparently has money now to buy the car. But I wonder if he knows that it's never been about the money. We were going to give Tash the car as Mum bought Harry's first. It was Dad's turn to buy Natasha's and Mum shouldn't have to pay twice, even if it's not a lot. I was mad about his lack of principles. About him lying and treating us second to his selfish desires.

And then I realised that just as he showed a lack of respect to us all by continually cheating on Mum, that nothing had changed. I felt hollow and broken. For years I've tried to prove my worth to him and it hit me again that maybe he's too self centred and just not interested.

But as I hoped, I do have good news to report. It's been a few days since our argument with Lucas' parents and things have improved. We had a few great day of sight-seeing and home life is no longer as tense. Perhaps we needed the talk to break down barriers and better understand each other.

Visitors, a new car, change in career and a fallout with my Dad. This year has been a spicy mixture of excitment and sadness that makes me believe I have interesting days ahead.

I've been meaning to update this blog for a few days now, but it's been hard to find time with Lucas' parents here. They arrived on December 30 and will leave next Monday on January 17. The visit has been happy and pleasant so far, though I've found certain aspects quite challenging. Let's just say living with another dominant mother has tested my patience and made me re-evaluate my character. My tolerance of living with someone new was extrememly low, but I've bited my tongue, smiled and am quite proud of the way I've dealt with the situation. I feel as though I've grown.

Practising patience and the event of the New Year also made me realise it's been a while since I've worked on my character. Without wanting to sound like a motivational speaker, I feel like I've lost track of myself the last couple of years. I'm not happy in my career, my close friendships have fallen apart, I don't quite like who I've become (less confident, lacking in patience/tolerance and lazy) and hate how I look - so it's time to turn this around. Can anyone say, "New Years resolutions"? I haven't made personal goals in years so this felt good:

2005 List

• Loose 20kg - mostly weight gain from my pregnancy
• Take and complete a course
• Regularly attend a dance classe
• Read every book club book
• Find a happy routine for our baby
• Always keep the house tidy
• Maintain a clean wardrobe - no clothes on the floor
• Write in my blog at least two times a week
• Expand my vocabulary - learn to use 50 new words
• Pay all my bills on time
• Volunteer or find a way to regularly give
• Purchase or aquire some art
• Find a close girlfriend to replace my friendship with Sophie
  

I'm quite happy with this list as it feels rather comprehensive, though I'm sure I'll add to it as the year progresses. And now that it's published I feel accountable, which is good. I'm also excited about taking a course and volunteering as it's different to what I've done for the past three years. Creating this list has given me hope and direction for the year.

Anyhow, I had a big argument with Dad this morning and now Lucas' parents aren't happy and want to talk about it so I have to go... I hope I report back with a positive result and shall write more about my new employment opportunity, our new car and my fallout with Dad...

Look at those cheeks!

Look at that smile :)

Ditto

I went to a funeral for my friend Matt last year. He was addicted to cocaine, went through rehab, got his life back on track, fell in love and was married for just a month before he died. He was also my church leader when I was 13-17 years old. Those years were full of crazy camps, girl power, mock surviver wars and talks where he taught me invaluable lessons of courage and self worth.

Matt wasn't like some of the church leaders I know. Some revel in the appearance of perfection, but he was raw, gritty and damn funny. He didn't hide his own downfalls and I loved him for it. He was passionate about encouraging and empowering young people and had started a national youth leadership foundation that has grown to become an influential national body, touching thousands of lives.

Matt was expected to meet his wife at an interstate conference, but the night before his flight, ventured out for a last-minute hit. This amazing man died with a needle in his arm in a grotty alley way. He deserved so much more and I could hardly keep from shaking when I saw his family wearing numb faces of grief and heard his distraught wife talking of his struggles and her overwhelming loss. She then layed flowers he'd grown for her on his coffin and above it, the most recent photo of him during his wedding day.

I also grew up with Bek at church. She was adopted and had a depressing family life. I knew she had problems and secrets I would never learn, but because of these, she was a hard person to crack. We barely see each other as we don't go to church anymore, but regardless, she grew to become successful lawyer and socialite full of agendas, a vindictive tongue and an obsession with material things, which is why I've kept my distance.

Today Penelope came over and I learned two things: Matt has a son and Bek is alive. These two things amaze me because Matt's wife learned she was pregnant with his child a month after he died and Bek was staying in Phi Phi Island, Thailand, when the devastating tsunami hit last week. Her fiance saved her life and she apparently has a new found, far simpler philosophy on life. She's had three operations in Thailand, has just come out of intensive care, is due home on Wednesday, but won't walk for at least another three months.

A friend recently wrote me an email saying, "life is funny, and difficult, and redemptive, and kind" and today, these stories reminded me of this.

Today's my Mum's 50th birthday. She loves the mountains so Harry, Natasha, Lucas and I are taking her here for a long weekend in February. It's been seven years since our last family getaway so I can't wait to tell her. I know she'll just love it. She'll also love all that 24/7 time with Hugo. I think she doesn't look a day older than 40.

My Mum 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

new years eve night

leading up to the big bang

the excitement builds

big...

BIG...

BANG!!!

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the finale

view from our balcony

autograph man, zadie smith
ground beneath her feet, salman rushie
the bride stripped bare, anonymous
dogwalker, arthur bradford
lolita, vladmir nabokov
lighthouse keeping, jeanette winterson

BOOK CLUB BOOKS I READ IN 2004
a fine balance, rohinton mistry
of a boy, sophie hartnett
the master, colm toibin
onxy and crate, margaret atwood
the shadow of the wind, carlos ruiz zafon
skinny dipp, carl hiaasen
fury, salman rushdie
voyage to the end of the room, tibor fischer
the line of beauty, alan hollinghurst