The Contingency Plan

The rage has returned and I'm here in the darkness, headphones blasting and fingers madly typing.

Luc and I can't seem to get it right lately. We've returned to our old habit of arguing over messenger, even if there's no one here to over-hear our words, which feels totally pathetic.

Although I was gone for only three hours today and will do the same tomorrow we argued because his weekend "was gone". He's lacked time out.

Are you serious?

I've lost count of the weekends/nights I've been alone looking after Hugo after a stressful work week because he's working, or I've gone out with Hugo (which at times is harder) to allow him some space.

It doesn't take much these days for me to become fugitive to an overwhelming fury. I can't talk. I spit my words out. I try to exhale all the negativity but feel so utterly consumed. He just doesn't seem to get it and nearly all my girlfriends face a similar situation. Why are we ok with the sacrifices? Why can we happily and without complaint give up our bodies, time, careers and love and they can't?

When I point out that I work just as hard managing my own business along with everything for the house, which includes making all of our tasty, cost-effective and nuitrious meals, and Hugo at night he states that I don't have to work so the stress really isn't valid!!

There are times I feel we both know it won't work out but we're clinging onto tenuous strings and pushing eachother to see who'll snap first.

More than anything I feel confused. We don't argue for long. We both don't hold grudges. With sufficient breathing time we're always quick to make up. We don't like conflict, especially with each other.

So even though I'm livid, I know it won't last. We'll make up to only do this all over again sometime soon. And it's during these times that my relationship with my rage feels healthier.

Autumn has such a calm about it. The weather is settling after the buzz of summer and although the days are still warm, the humidity no longer hangs about.

Today was sunny and Penelope and I drove down the road to King Street, Newtown to check out the shops. The strip houses styles a little more ecclectic than most and there are plenty of interesting people to look at. When I was younger I really loved drawing attention to myself but now I like being in the background and drawing energy and inspiration from such vibrant locations.


Anyhow, I bought some deliciously fresh smelling soy candles and four cushion covers, a tshirt for me, one for Luc and a pair of absolutely adorable pants for Hugo. Pen pointed out how I have absolutely no hesitation in buying things for others but hold great doubts when it comes to anything for myself. She's right. Perhaps it's part of being a mother? The guilt is always present. I always think there are better things to spend our money on.


Luc is currently sittting directly opposite, facing me. He's typing on his laptop and occassionally looks up to say things like 'today piks spilt bacon juice on my foot', and then looks down and starts typing again.

'Piks' is one of the many nicknames we have for Hugo. It's a derivative of 'pikachoo', which took over from Wolfy when he was born. Also from Pikachoo are 'choo' or 'choo choo', 'pooky', 'boo' or 'boo boo'. I find nicknames essential for anyone I love. They also tend to be viral. Rachael also calls Hugo all of the above.

Luc just farted and it sounded like someone honked on an old school horn. He looked up and asked, 'could you hear that circular saw?' and then continued reading. Dork.

Shopping felt good today, though I still couldn't find anything that I really loved. What to do? It's probably a good thing as we're still saving for a car. We should be able to buy a nice one at the end of this month. We're lucky we live so centrally so the void of wheels hasn't impacted us too much.

Tomorrow Chloe and I are off to Ikea to find things to kit out our office. Yes, office. We've taken over the lower level of her beautiful house and will transform it into an office space for an important pitch at the end of the week. We have very different taste so it should be an interesting day.

You likey?

Meme instructions: Look at the list of books below. Bold the ones you've read, italicize the ones you might read, cross out the ones you won't, place an asterisk after the ones on your book shelf, and place (parentheses) around the ones you've never even heard of. (Bookseller addendum - only my personal shelves count).

The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown*
The Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger*
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy - Douglas Adams*
The Great Gatsby - F.Scott Fitzgerald*
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee*
(The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger)
(His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman)
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince - J. K. Rowling
Life of Pi - Yann Martel*
Animal Farm: A Fairy Story - George Orwell
Catch-22 - Joseph Heller * I’ve tried reading this book about ten times and can never get through it
The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien The movies were enough for me
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon*
Lord of the Flies - William Golding
Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen*
1984 - George Orwell*
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - J. K. Rowling
One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden*
(The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini)
(The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold)
(Slaughterhouse 5 - Kurt Vonnegut)
The Secret History - Donna Tartt
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte*
The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - C. S. Lewis*
Middlesex - Jeffrey Eugenides*
Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell*
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte*
Atonement - Ian McEwan
The Shadow Of The Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon*
The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway
The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood*
The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
Dune - Frank Herbert

[Note this was taken from yesterday's journal]

Yesterday was a good day. Hugo only wanted breast milk once during the evening so I gave him some cow's milk and he really enjoyed it. He drank two glasses! Yay!

I also started working upstairs and that seems to work better for us. I was formerly conducting my all important business our lounge room and was consistently distracted by the television, food, noise and of course by Hugo.

Luc had to go onsite though so I hijacked his desk. The day was so productive and Hugo was better behaved too. When I'm around he wants to play with me and becomes upset when I won't so he was really well behaved. It made the weening process easier too as I only saw him periodically when he was busy. The day was a full one though. He had play group in the morning from 10-12pm, he then had a nap for two hours and the rest was spent playing with Rachael.

Rachael usually puts him to bed during the day but I took over yesterday as my breast were filling up and I didn't want to get mastitis. Hugo seems to understand that he can have neh neh (Mandarin for boob) when going to sleep and it's made sleep time quite special. He claps his hands and gets really excited every time it's bed time. Putting him to bed is totally void of grief.

His appetite hasn't increased (he's never eaten a lot which was part of the reason why I breastfed him past 12 months old) so Rach and I are making sure we give him plenty of healthy snacks like sandwiches, cheese, pieces of fruit, juice and milk. He loves cheese and meat.

I had quite an emotional day today though. I cried for two hours and hate these times when I'm weak and hurting, but still strong to hold it all together. It wasn't about the breastfeeding but about things I've cried over many times before, which is why writing about them again seems pointless.

But of course, tomorrow will be a better day.

[Note: This has been taken from yesterday's journal entry]

9:37am: For a while now I've wanted to ween Hugo around his 18 month milestone. It's quickly approaching so today is the day we start.

I've decided to totally stop during the day but still breast feed when I put him to sleep. This isn't just for him, but also for myself as well. I've really relished the experience and will surely miss its pure and simple intimacy. But my body is starting to feel tired and it's time to socialise him in this aspect. I've tried this once before and he cried for hours so I'm prepared and feeling strong.

Weening him in stages will also help with my milk flow as it's still quite strong and I don't want to freak my body out in this process.

1.19pm: Hugo's just gone down for a nap. We had some of Luc's friends 'round for brunch this morning and as Luc and I were tidying up Hugo started pulling at my top for milk. I refused, offered him water and juice but no, he flew into an intense rage and spent 45 mins crying. Nothing would console him so we just let him cry it out. He occassionally stopped to see if Luc and I were watching him (if so he'd cry harder) and close to the one hour mark he settled down and watched some television. Another half hour later he came for a cuddle and I knew it was bed time.

10pm: I'm thankful Hugo's only had one major crying session today. He was in good spirits after he woke and we played with some toys and went for a walk to the park. After dinner I settled down on the couch to watch a movie with Luc and Rachael and he then approached. At first he tried to pull my top down, he then tried to get underneath and when all of this failed, he would cry, arch his back back, hit his head against the sofa and smack me. This would last for a few minutes and then he would calm down and take some water or juice. It happened around five times throughout the night and was absolutely heartbreaking to see him get so upset. I wanted to instantly comfort him but knew my actions had to be consistent otherwise they would be cruel. I was relieved when it was time to take him to bed. Breast feeding was a big comfort and it felt strange not to have it at my instant availability to console him. Today's been quite emotionally draining.

Help! What's happened to my blog!

I feel like sitting silently on the floor
Wild howling through the glass
Legs crossed and head to the ground
Bathed in luminous, autumn light
I feel like sensing simplicity
The rhythm of my heart and my breath
And a passion that heavily hovers underneath my breasts
Lying lower every day

Da' Loot Bags People Iced: Twenty Six Car Bombs Planted: Eleven Favorite Weapon Shards of Glass Arms Broken: Twelve Eyes Gouged: Thirty Two Tongues Cut Off: Thirteen Biggest Enemy: The Smuggler Get Your HITMAN Name

Today we won the account for a fucking fantastic jeweller and a lush new day spa.

Woohoo!!

I wonder if this means that jewellery and spa treatments are tax deductible??

The words haven't been flowing lately. And I feel quite guilty about it.

I had my day spa treatment today. It was at Spa Chakra, one of the country's finest. I sincerely thought the day would be one of life-changing relaxation and although five hours of massage, body polishing, facials and hand and foot spas is nothing to complain about, I left feeling replenished... but still me and wanted more than that.

I've been tired again lately. After completing the Spa's self-assessment evaluation I was reminded of all the emotionally/mentally/spiritually draining things have taken place in the last 1-2 years. Sometimes I feel I haven't moved on as much as I thought. I've merely lacked time to think about it. It bothers me that it took a simple ten minute spa questionnaire for this to click.

it was my birthday yesterday.

everyone who should've call did. i went to a great meeting and i spent most of the day deciding between different day spa packages - a present from luc. i'll meet up with friends friday night and family saturday and sunday.

i've never been one to expect a lot for my birthday. it hasn't been fantastic, but it's been good. i did things as i usually do everyday; worked, organised dinner and dessert, had a friend pop by, our admin assistant from work dropped off some papers, luc bathed hugo, i put him to bed and then we watched tv on the couch, cuddled until i was tired.

no fireworks, but it was good.

I really dislike shopping. I used to love hunting through shops for hours looking for the perfect outfit or accessory but who could be bothered? I'd rather buy something online or research what I want online and just go out and get it.

I think the main reason why I can't get no (retail) satisfaction is because everything is so sterile and mass produced. Regardless of trends, I'm not going to purchase something because it's in fashion. It has to have a 'feel' to it and I have to 'mesh' with that feel. I love interior design magazines but even they seem too polished this month. Boo. Sydney seems to love coordinating everything to the max. Ivy and I were having a discussion about it earlier in the week. She came over to use some of our new-skool technology for her old-school photography so it was a good chance to catch up as well.

Anyway, we were unsatisfied. Unsatisfied? Dis-satified? Huh.

Oh it's been a busy week. I have neglected this blog among other things. Chloe and I are absolutely swamped with work. We have over ten clients now. Fuck. We might have to hire someone on a freelance basis if it continues. I also helped a friend by writing a small article for the Sydney Morning Herald but forgot to check/save a copy of the paper from that day as I got sick, was too swamped and then Alannah called with news of her miscarriage. Double, triple boo. Who forgets??

My ovaries are hurting so I have to go to the doctor again. And I'm watching so much America's Next Top Model that I keep dreaming about it. Not fierce bitches.

So check them out.