The Contingency Plan

It's a warm night and I can feel my skin still sticky from an earlier dance class.

The house is still and I'm alone. Harry is out, Emily is asleep and Wolf is staying with Luc at his new pad. I feel guilty for enjoying the serenity. I feel silently ecstatic, perhaps another side-effect of the class.

I would normally be going to bed now, preparing for my first permanent day at work, but there have been some last-minute developments (namely the client I was to work on dropping the project) so I'll now be starting in January 2008. As you can imagine, this isn't the best financial outcome, though I'm relishing it on other planes. I thankfully retained two ongoing clients with my business so that should sustain me in the meantime, along with continued contract work with the Agency. This also allows Chloe more time to transition into work again.

Yes, I'm trying to stay positive.

My social networks are also expanding. I'm noticing a few different friend groups developing, which makes me really happy. I'm seeing the crew on Friday night for dinner at Ivy's house and hanging out with friends from the dance studio on Saturday night. I cannot wait to go out and dance dance dance!

Due to the events of my last post, the romance has absolutely died between me and the fling and I notice I barely think of him now. I would normally replace him with random thoughts of someone new, but I can't be bothered. I thought I would respond well to the meaningless sex (particularly as I really welcomed it) but I didn't. Maybe it was the wrong fit? Perhaps I work best when I'm in a relationship and can add more than just a body. Perhaps it shows that I'm not as confident as I would like, or maybe that I like to have something deeper. I don't know.

Luc and I had lunch today and I mentioned casually dating to him. He was really good about it but absolutely drilled me for names and details, which I refused. He also suggested something very intruiging, which is moving to London in around a year's time. We could both move there with Hugo, live separately but still be supportive of each other, travel and earn the pound. Luc has the potential to make a killing there in IT and the PR industry is huge in London and I could easily find work given the brands I've managed. I actually like the notion! I've always wanted to live London and travel throughout Europe and this may be the ideal way to achieve it, while keeping Hugo's best interests in mind.

Anyway, that's it from me today...

It's 9.16pm, Wolf is asleep and both Emily (au-pair) and Harry (brother) are out (not together). I'm relishing the silence, exhausted but also ecstatic to be alone.

Today's the first day I've felt well since last Tuesday night. I had a fever for two days and a stomach bug for three, lucky I was sick as my laptop also crashed. Mum saw me yesterday and claims I've shed half my body weight since last year, which is quite the statement coming from her. I admit it was comforting, though I wonder whether that'll change now that I can hold food down :)

My thoughts feel scattered tonight. My hormones are charming my logic and I've felt weepy and very vulnerable. Being home and alone all of those days hasn't helped my thoughts towards my "casual affair" either. I have seriously over-analysed the situation, have thought of all the other women he's definitely courting and my reaction to this varies, depending on the strength of my hormones.

I luckily confided in a good male friend who had to outline the perameters of the relationship I'm in. For instance, it's not unusual not to hear from him in three weeks and suddenly receive a drunken midnight call. He knows that I'm busy until next weekend so I should see whether anything happens then to determine my next steps.

I feel so foolish and naive as I'm really used to serious dating and none of this frivolity. It's hard.

Hm. He's now online and wants to chat..........

So today... I woke up sick with a cold and a raging fever, went into work where they said they've run out of budget for my freelance rate (I have to wait until next week when I start on a permanent basis to return), came home and my brother Harry's car was broken into (his Xbox, iPod and new cufflinks I bought for him all taken) and then our latest au-pair flooded the bathroom tonight while I was upstairs asleep on the couch, the water spilled throughout the hall into my bedroom, ruining my all time favourite Mimco bag, a $450 bag I worked very hard for a year to purchase.

And in my weakened state, I'm not sure if I really am cut out for this whole casual dating thing. I really wanted someone to bring me chicken soup today.

Being single again is delightfully strange after a seven-year relationship. It's been nearly six months since Luc and I separated and some of my friends have already started to suggest dates. There's been a hot highschool teacher, a blush-worthy builder and intense IT guy, but I've absolutely avoided any serious situation, especially in connection to valued friends.

The thought of another long term relationship absolutely repulses me.

I'm amazed at how much my relationship with Luc has changed me. Perhaps it's not so much what he has done but how I've reacted. Keeping his secret my own for so many months and having to act almost without emotion when I felt disembowelled has built a second strength and a way of compartmentalising things I didn't think I was capable of.

I think a large part of me is angry at the way Luc almost stripped me of my sexuality. There were years of almost no intimacy, carefully covered under the guise of tiredness and stress, when he was in fact with other women. I remained faithful and frustrated, my confidence waning with each passing day.

I was concerned it would be hard to find a date when I first started going out. I was very aware of the fact that I'm a young single mother who leads a pretty demanding life. I don't have a lot of time inbetween Wolf, my career, my family and friends, managing the house and dance class. And for some reason, a stereotype lingers which suggests I instantly want commitment and marriage from a man because of my situation, which clearly is not the case for me. Men can be fearful of the fact that I have a child, but sometimes even more intimidated by the fact that I'm reasonably successful, independent and have a live-in nanny at 28 years old.

Inspite of this, I've wanted to lead somewhat of a double-life for some time now, but it can be tricky to find the right person. The thought of an illicit and arcane affair excites me, especially given my arrangement with Luc where I have every second weekend free of the Wolf. The balance of being a mum one weekend and something quite the opposite, without the awareness of anyone else, appeals to me more than anything else.

And so it was quite coincidental when I met a rather charasmatic man recently on a Friday night through a mutual acquainance. Eight years my senior (but hidden magnificently through amazing genes), we quickly bonded over cheeky conversation and he soon realised a common interest after six hours of an abundance supply of alcohol.

I've since been entertaining a candidly open and casual little affair with this very experienced single man. No one knows of our arrangement and we're both absolutely fine with that.

There's a theory that you attract the energy that you put out there and I think this just may be the case.

I think about blogging often as there's plenty to talk about, but often can't be bothered. I log in and then find myself blank.

I'm sitting on the couch at the moment, entertaining myself before starting a new task for work. The weather's sunny and bright but cool with a strong breeze. Harry's been staying here for the last couple of weeks and is almost like a shadow, returning home late at night and sleeping during the light. He recently quit his job and I have no idea how he's managing to get by (besides living rent free here!).

Despite my recent dramas, I think I'm reaching a point of happiness. I can see myself happy, which is more than I can say a year ago....

Today feels like a new day and there are so many reasons why.

* During an argument last night (and influenced by hangover-induced haze), I told Luc that I've known about his affairs. He's been surprisingly, really damn nice to me ever since.

* I negotiated details for my start at the Agency early last week and begin full time on 1 November, 2007. I have a great package and have negotiated a pay review in January :)

* Chloe and I had dinner on Thursday night and discussed details of putting our company on hold while she focuses on her babies and I pursue consistent money.

* Mum and I started discussions last week regarding the purchase of an apartment. I want her to give me the money she was going to give Luc and I so I can buy an apartment and get out of this renting rut.

* My weight loss is coming along nicely. I'm taking a simple approach - exercising lots, drinking lots of water and eating well and am determined to reach my ideal weight by summer, which is very possible.

* I'm getting excited by the notion of a great relationship with someone new. I was absolutely disheartened as I'm in a weird place where all the men my age are career and party focused, sans children and intimidated by my life (even though I have no intention of introducing anyone to Hugo). I know it'll be years since I'm in a relationship again and despite my lonliness, I'm starting to be ok with it. It feels like a natural progression.

* And on that note, I've really scaled back on my relationship with the lawyer. No more daily conversations or calls before bedtime, no more late night internet chats and I'm calling my girlfriends when I need a supportive chat. To subtly test his feelings, I made mention last week of a cute guy I met out last weekend and slightly exaggerated the extent of things, saying that he bought me drinks all night (true), that we had great conversation (true) , that he was very attractive and well dressed (true) and that we swapped numbers at the end of the night (not true). His reaction was interesting, consistently bringing him up in our conversation and suggesting we call him to join us for dinner during the week (but not in a good way). Funnily enough we haven't spoken as intensively since.

Anyway, Sunday afternoon is quickly approaching and I have a long list of things to do - everything from laundry and cleaning to dance classes and work.... I'm still juggling two very intense jobs and am naturally scared of the week ahead.