The Contingency Plan

Perhaps not so coincidentally, my desire to date has waned with the realisation that I'm contently happy with my life. And I'm sincere when I write this. I feel like I have almost everything I need in my life for now. I know this may change, but it's a first since my separation with Luc so I feel good about it. I desperately wanted to replace him and feel relief that it's no longer the case. Nights aren't as hard as they used to be. Alone time doesn't feel as lonely. I can breathe.

Nevertheless, being single has made me sense the absence of touch in our society. I'd hardly get any hugs if I didn't have Wolf!

I met up with Jack about a month ago, and although I have to write about our encounter, he did say something I couldn't argue with, and it's that we can't underestimate the effect of someone else's touch and skin against our own.

I realised this recently when I went for a massage. Instead of booking into a ridiculously priced day spa, I walked into one of those Asian establishments whose walls are filled with diagrams of body parts and accupuncture points, where they serve green tea and wear long white coats for an air of officialness. My place of choice is within a shopping centre that has been nicely decked out, even with the beige wearing pretentious folk who use basic English and speak very. very. slowly. and. clearly. to. those. giving. them. the. massage. unaware that the young men are bilingual and studying degrees in IT, law or medicine.

I digress.

I was lying face down on the massage table and felt embarrassed and a little sad when I realised that the man touching me was the first to do so in some time. And I don't mean it sexually, as it wasn't that kind of a massage, but just in general.

Ok. So I will pre-emptively admit one thing - since our catch up (which certainly came after that massage), Jack and I have entered into some kind of ambigious arrangement where we have a physically connection. I would describe it as occassional sex (in the rare instance that we're both available and in the mood) but he disagrees as he claims he can't just have sex with me due to our "connection" (please note my cynicism). I don't want to date so I don't dedicate a lot of my time to the whole thing.

And due to our history (I unfortunately cannot deny that we have a connection), there are times when we talk about work and books and stuff, but other times when the man contacts me with random things that he wants me to do to him. And our correspondence has made me wonder whether the age old stereotype of the man wanting sex and the woman wanting to be touched isn't that much of a myth after all.

Jack teaches courses in negotiations and so I've been trying to figure out what I really want. I certainly have things to trade, but as I'm writing this I'm thinking of three very simple yet truly intimate things like a massage, touches and kisses and to be held while I sleep. I wish my requests were more debauchted as I'd feel more comfortable requesting them. I'm not sure whether I will ask him for these things though as life is so good and getting my wish could rock my boat a little too much.

Yes. Life is really good, but there are time when a girl just wants to be touched.

It's taken me over a year and a half to feel genuine positivity about my life since separating with Luc. And now that I've gained this perspective, I'm really protective of it.

I like my life. I naturally adore time with my son, who turns four next month (!!). I love being his Mum. I enjoy my job, my clients and the people that I work with. I like my little house. I have an amazing network of friends and family and all of the drama that dominated my family life when my parents separated has waned. My brother and sister are dating really great people and it makes me so happy to see it. We have big family get togethers again and they're warm, fun and no one ever really wants to go.

So in amongst all of this, Luc's girlfriend sent me a text message:

"I have the content of the conversation that you and Luc had last Wednesday where you speculated upon the parentage of my child. I have spoken to L about it and have forwarded the message onto his mother. Please never contact me again and you are no longer welcome in my home. K"

I was pretty shocked when I received this message. Although I can see how she could be offended, the reference was actually a dig I made at Luc because he asked me the same thing when I was pregnant. But of course she wouldn't know this without asking me.

K and I have been on pretty good terms lately so I'm pretty bummed that it's come to this, but with that said, I've only been to her place a handful of times to pick up Wolf. I certainly don't linger.

I realise my role is the scapegoat but despite this there are surely larger issues at hand. Why is she snooping through his computer? The main focus on the conversation she mentioned was Luc complaining to me that he's unhappy, didn't want to have the child, thought it was a one-sided decision, isn't excited, thinks it's been a big mistake, didn't plan to have a baby with anyone but me and doesn't know what to do. That would've been a horrendous thing to read within two weeks of your baby being born (especially with all of those hormones!).

Besides the joke mentioned, my response to his outburst is that he needs to pull it together as he now has two sons who equally need him. And that I'm happy to spend extra time with Wolf so he can adjust and help K out, as she apparently experienced a horrendous birth.

Anyway, I have responded and was thankfully with five close girlfriends at the time so we discussed the situation and possible consequences in depth.

I avoided any digs about how justified would have been in making such a statement, especially since she was married and cheated on her husband with my partner. And I didn't make any mention some of the bigger issues she has at hand like the overseas offer he made to me the day after that conversation. I really have no intention of being involved in the possible break up their relationship.

So instead I wrote this:

"It was a personal joke taken out of context... I am sorry if this was hurtful but it was unintended. Please understand that my sole priority and interest is the well being of hugo, so that is the last i will say on the matter. What you think and do is a matter entirely for you."

She hasn't responded.

Nevertheless, Luc did a few days later saying that she unfortunately found what she was looking for and that his mother didn't appreciate the message as she thinks very highly of me. He said it was unfortunate that she found the conversation as it wouldn't have been a pleasant thing to read, but it was a conversation never meant for her eyes.

I since haven't asked any questions about his relationship with K because I sincerely have no interest in it. It's none of my business. And although I have no desire to get back together with him, I'm thankful that I now have a great excuse to avoid meeting his other child.

Above all of this, I'm really thankful that I can just leave all of that drama and happily carry on with the little life that I have.

i find myself battling with the notion of marriage lately.

in one corner sits the idealistic and romantic kazumi. the one who wants to stand in front of her loved ones and profess a deep commitment to one above all others. and have him vow to the same. she dreams of that (almost) smug security, of all the plans that can be made. she wants someone to stand next to her and be a witness to her life - in all of its raw fullness. and she's a damn sucker for a great party, especially one that she's responsible for. she wants the warm celebration, the pictures, the music, that divine dress and all that style. she wants to toast. and she wants to surround herself in that glow and pass it all onto her children.

yet other corner bears a kazumi that is a creation of her experiences. the one that knows nothing in this world lasts forever and that promises are often broken. that you can never guarantee you'll love another for a lifetime and vice versa. you can only speak for today. she wonders whether that promise breeds complacency and utterly unrealistic expectations. she knows the statistics. she kinda believes weddings have become another form of mass consumerism. she's been frightened by the expos and magazines. and don't get her started on the way marriage seems to frame relationships in terms of "success" and "failure", which seems to strip any value and growth from the experience.

i realise this situation is so far removed from my every day life yet i still think about it because i want to form an opinion. i'm not sure if i'm any closer to cementing anything. the farthest i get is the notion that i'm ok with marriage as long as the promises are formed around a commitment to try and work things out when they get tough and not 'til death do us part.

any thoughts??

At times I wonder if I'm lying when I say that Luc and I have an "amicable" relationship.

On the surface, the statement rings true. It's been months and months since our last nasty exchange. We're in touch at least a few times a week, usually over messenger, our conversations vary from discussing Wolf to music to the day's events and are generally pretty pleasant. I think we're quite considerate of each other. I happily shift our schedule if he needs time. He recently picked Wolf and me up when I left my car at work (client event), drove me into the office and took Wolf to kindy before driving back into the city to start his day. He still asks me for career advice and I still get him to fix any IT woe I have.

Despite this, he has become a father again and failed to tell me about the birth of his new baby (boy). I found out over a week after the birth (in true form via messenger) and we shared a pretty distressing conversation. He claimed unhappiness. Said he felt the decision was a one-sided one, that he didn't want greater responsibilities, another child. He felt it was all an incredible mistake. He expressed disappointment over the whole experience - it wasn't the same as when we had Hugo and he feels uncomfortable talking about it with me as he didn't want to have a child with anyone but me.

The next day I checked in to see if things had improved. They hadn't. And he asked me to move overseas with him. Again.

Fast forward another week and he offered to pay for my accommodation for a year if I move with him (we'd return here in time for Wolf to start school). He then added that if K is the only thing holding me back, then she doesn't need to come with us...

Luc came over last Wednesday night to drop Hugo off. The three of us shared a mixed mushroom risotto I had made for dinner and strawberries afterwards for dessert. Luc and I had a glass of wine. Hugo ate everything without contest. Luc played with our son and put on a show for him while I did the dishes. We then briefly spoke about the issue. Hugo called us onto the lounge and we sat on either side of him. Elated, he made a comment about how great it was that we were all together and would cuddle me and then with his dad, happily shifting between us because he could.

I firmly said that I wouldn't move with him and had no intention of breaking up of a family home and although he tried to pursuade me otherwise, Luc didn't push the point. We both changed Wolf into his pyjamas. I took our little boy to bed and Luc lingered, wandering around the house before reading a magazine.

Weary from the day, I stayed in bed and Luc left after closing the windows, turning off the lights and softly saying goodbye.

I'm listening to Jeff Buckley's "Everybody here wants you" and am trying to write structured and articulate sentences, but the song and his voice are unraveling me...

I entered this October long weekend quite uncertain. Wolf was scheduled to stay with Luc (it's his turn this weekend) and a bestie that I usually hang with during my "single" time was flying to Melbourne to see about a boy.

Dance classes were unfortunately not an option. During a GI Jane moment three weeks ago, I lifted a number of heavy gardening pots (full of dirt), shifted them up some stairs and although I did bend with my knees, my back has been strained ever since.

And the last thing usually on my list was definitely not on the cards because as cliche as it sounds, I'm not in the mood. Plus, after a three year distance, I saw Jack again a few weeks ago and he's back on the scene in a capacity I'll need to outline in a different post.

So with all of this in mind, I had planned to hit the beach, equipped with a book, an iPod and the strong desire for an awesome tan. I need to unwind and have felt quite ungrounded recently, but the weather has been totally shite.

But it's not all bad news because abandoning my usual options has forced me discover a range of new ones - ones that I cannot believe I've forgot or neglected like:

• Brunch with the company of a newspaper
• Hitting the markets with Ivy for vintage homewares
• Designing artworks that I plan to paint for Wolf's wall
  
• Helping my girlfriend unpack her newly arrived stock, trying half of it on in the process and scoring a shameful amount of freebies (four dresses, two tops, a pair of pants and two pairs of sandals)
• Playing dress ups and thinking of creative combinations that will keep me going for at least a few of weeks at work
• A delicious wine bar in the afternoon
• Daydreaming about a secret crush, who I hear has grown a moustache
• Choreographing a cheeky strip tease
• Reading, reading, reading
• De-cluttering my storage area and throwing stuff out
  

And there's still a day to go!