The Contingency Plan

The lack of frequency between recent posts makes it hard to connect stories when I go to write another. I can't seem to find the string. I know it's my own fault.

So it's 6.30pm on a Saturday night and Wolf and I are cuddled up on our couch. We've been here all day, breaking up time with meals and drinks and all of the other necessities. I would normally say the light's been wasted, but we've shared a blanket, many cute little kisses and some serious conversations on everything from transformers to hair (he thinks I should wear mine straight instead of freeing my natural curls). He's drawn in his diary while I've scribbled in mine, I've taught him how to form the number five... and all of this seems so comfortably golden. Why would we want to do anything else?

And yet I feel guilty. I'm struggling with housework motivation. I literally have around 10 loads of laundry to clean and the house is messy. I know it wouldn't take long if I got into the zone, but that's the thing, I'd rather think.

I've been entertaining my mind with the most enjoyable things lately (well, at least enjoyable to me)... like reading about Japanese cell phone novels, bidding on vintage bow ties (feel like dressing like a man), searching for antique bird cages I want to fill with vines and beautifully bursting flowers and then there's music... it sounds so much better with good headphones on.

There's a lot I can and want to write about... soon. Like the fact that I had my first Family Court session on Wednesday after Luc made efforts to bypass my wishes concerning Wolf living here in Sydney... And a recent desire I have to create something instead of always PRing something. And the way I seem to have a twitter-esque expiry time for dates - 140 hours or less. Thanks.

But I don't want to delve into all of that for now. No. I should delve into my other dirty laundry - the literal kind. Once I've checked how my bids are going. And have finished reading that article.

it was the night of my work christmas party and i was in the mood for some fun. lord knows a girl needs some every now and then.

perhaps "fun" involved dancing quite controversially with a man everyone in the office thought was gay, kissing a popular tv presenter, convincing a bar owner to open his venue for our after-party and using my masquerade mask (yes, the party was themed) to channel the dominatrix within... regardless of this, i met this stunning man and i don't know how quite to sum up our experiences since.

we made eye contact. the stunning man (let's just call him TSM from now on) blatantly approached me at the bar and introduced himself. he later admitted he had a "steely determination" to meet me that night and asked a mutual friend about me before we spoke.

and we spoke for quite some time, bonded by a mutual affection for people watching (ok. mocking), a very similar sense of humour and some truly delicious kisses. he said he would text me in the morning for my email address and bang on 9.15am i received the message. twenty minutes later i had an email in my inbox.

and despite getting horrendously retrenched the day after we met (yes, just before christmas), he asked me out the following day. that night we visited two bars and a christmas party. the amount of laughter generated between us was ridiculous. we walked around the city for hours talking and shared a late night burger. we held hands (something i've never let a man do comfortably since luc). we watched a movie and discovered all of these random, quirky things in common (like a penchant for buying moleskin diaries but never using them; a preference for the exact same thing to eat for breakfast - scrambled/poached eggs, turkish toast, mushrooms and hash browns; being coerced by friends and resisting to watch the same two movies; and a massive addiction to chili). he wears nerdy glasses. his look is borderline rock with professor thrown in for good measure. he has a fascination with air crashes. he works in the film industry and is extremely creative. he is just my type.

so we had another date a few days later. the chemistry was amazing. a random person stopped us in public to tell us how in love we looked (which was a bit embarrassing)...

and then he left to visit family interstate. we kept in touch through long phone calls, emails and text messages. and then on new years eve i stupidly mentioned the possibly of being set up (the thought was planted by a very over-analytical friend who examined a group email) and he went silent. and to cut a VERY long conversation short - we became 'friends'. oh and i wasn't being set up. the guy, who my friend thought i was being set up actually has a girlfriend and we had to talk him out of being too cliche and proposing that night. yay.

anyway, i really hate to make TSM sound flaky because he's not. i guess i've failed to mention the guy is working through some very serious issues. and it's not the "i'm not ready for a relationship" kinda stuff, it's real life and heavy and something i don't really know about. i'm not even sure if he should be dating so i simply cannot get upset at him for any of this. the timing is very unfortunate.

anyway. the TSM has had some bad luck lately and after an amazing job offer and rediscovering incredible family support, he impulsively decided to move to melbourne. i really tried to be disappointed, but simply couldn't see what sydney has to offer him right now (besides one mid-week night a week with me - it's the only time i have free). the job was a dream job. he quickly found a great apartment. all the pieces seamlessly fell into place. i knew it was the right thing for him to do.

so we met last weekend to catch up. it was the first time i've seen him in about a month. we stayed in touch as 'friends' and although he was manically busy, he asked if i could drop by at 8am so we could have a few hours before he had to leave for the airport.

i nervously arrived at his place on time. we shared a looong hug and one of those confusing borderline kisses that falls half way across your lips. he had just showered and was waiting for carpet cleaners to arrive so we threw his mattress out of his second story shoebox onto the pavement below and collected up a few bits and pieces together. the steam cleaners arrived shortly afterward so we met them outside and while chatting to neighbours, the driver of the van hit TSM and knocked him over! he has a persistent back problem due to a past injury so he freaked out a little and i just didn't know what to do. the driver scolded me for not looking out for my boyfriend. neither TSM or i corrected him (it didn't seem appropriate), so instead, i berated the man for not paying attention.

TSM was ok so we went out for coffee. when we went back to his place, i gave him a back massage and a couple more loooong hugs, just to punish myself. he started to rest into my neck. i could feel his breath on my chest.

he needed to clean but i was concerned he shouldn't so i found myself cleaning his apartment - wiping down his walls, cleaning his kitchen and bathroom and wondering what the hell i was doing. he told me i looked incredibly sexy. i flatly claimed it was all intentional.

he had to sell his push bike and due to stress, accidentally sold it to a buyer, forgetting that he had made an earlier deal with someone else. he didn't have the first buyer's number and the guy was due over to make the exchange in 30 minutes. he felt extremely bad. i said he should use me to help the situation. the guy luckily called so we called him back. while the phone was ringing i suddenly asked who i should say i was (sister, friend, etc.) and TSM said, "say you're my girlfriend", so I found myself uttering those words and charming my way out of the situation to the point that the guy was laughing and joking with me at the end of the conversation. TSM said he enjoyed hearing me.

so we start having these deep conversations about life. i was cleaning his kitchen and found myself telling him about luc. he came up behind me afterward and held me. i turned around and he held me again and apologised. he said that although he knew he shouldn't, he really wanted to kiss me. i said that i understood. he turned to select a song on his laptop and stated i should've said that he could. i stayed silent but moments later found myself pulling him into me by his shirt.

we shared the most perfect kiss for whole the duration of the song. and then some. he sat down afterwards. he was dizzy and said he wasn't sure if it was because he was hit by a van earlier or because the kiss was so amazing.

we were in couple-mode for the next two hours or so. there was lots of affection, many intense kisses and a few moments when things could have become intimate, but i didn't let it happen.

after we had finished cleaning, we sat down on a dry piece of carpet. i gave him another massage. he rested his head on my lap and i gently massaged his face, stroked his hair, kissed his eye lids. there were great moments of silence. inbetwwen them, he played me all of his favourite songs and explained why they are important to him.

and then ten mintues before he had to leave, we spoke about "us" again. he likes me. wished he had more time to spend with me. deeply respects me, said that i 'got' him and vice versa, which is rare. there's an obvious and intense attraction between us. put us in a room together and he knows something will happen. when he sees me, he wants to do things he shouldn't think about as a friend. but he claimed things couldn't go anywhere. he was still depressed. he still had a lot to work through. it wasn't just about the move. he desperately wants us to be friends. he knew that we could do it. i stayed silent. said that i think that i like him. he kept insisting we'd be in contact.

shortly after i arrived back home, i received a text message from him, thanking me for everything. i replied and true to my expectation, haven't heard back since.

i don't quite know what to do with TSM. to combat the blues i've been trying to "live in the moment" and as corny as it sounds, it's really helped. and besides, my days are so intense. the only time i have to myself is late at night, when i really should be sleeping.

nevertheless, there's something about this man that captivates me. so, i've decided to write him letters. hand written ones. i have his new address and there's just something a little old school, unexpected and perhaps romantic that has wooed me to the idea. I don't plan to do it often, perhaps once a month...

i'm not sure when i'll send the first one. i'm thinking early next week.

One of my favourite things to do each evening, is to take off my shoes and venture into the garden. There's something magical about feeling the earth under my feet and between my toes - warm, fresh and alive. I know it sounds horribly literal, but I feel like it keeps me grounded. It reminds me that no matter what I've dealt with during the day, the universe is so much bigger than all of my stress.

Nearly all of my friends and family were shocked when I first started gardening. I took two weeks off work in November (first break of 2008, such a mistake to leave it so long) and there was something quite cathartic about all of that physical activity. I dug deep into each vegetable patch, sifted out the rocks and weeds, mixed in compost and plant food, plotted out where all the seedlings would go and then planted them in. It was hard work. And did most of it in a bikini so I got a tan to boot!

I initially created the garden for Hugo. He still doesn't like eating any green vegetables and I wanted him to learn that food doesn't just come from the supermarket - we can actually grow it too.

And although Hugo still doesn't eat green, selfishly doesn't like weeding and none of my vegetables have appeared yet (I guess it's only been two months), I can't tell you how good it feels to pick the lettuce, rocket, spinach and herbs I need for salads and for cooking. The favours are more intense, I waste less and as a result, spend less time cleaning forgotten, soggy bits of green out of my fridge.

I feel really lucky to have the space to have this garden.

It's 11.30pm. The deadlines of work surround me, but I became distracted with a personal project that lead me to this blog. That was two hours ago.

I forgot how much I invested here - from random observations to the break up of my relationship with Luc. It's amazing to have it all here in the one spot. There were times when I felt like I was reading the life of someone else, especially when reading about my daily life with Luc.

My days are so different now. I feel like a different person.

Hugo is asleep. He goes to preschool three days a week and spends two days with my mother. They have a mutual adoration of each other. Despite my desire for banter, he prefers to have 'quiet time' at the end of each working day. He sits there in his car booster seat, looking out the window and I call my mother or a friend. He was extremely shy at school but has come out of his shell this year. He now has a regular gang of friends at kindy. I was pleasantly shocked when he was recently called a chatterbox by one of his teachers. He hates to perform. He's affectionate and very protective of me. He likes to call me 'my sweet little girl' when we're at home, which kills me. I don't know where he got it from. And don't care. I adore it. He's more than half my height. He looks exactly like his dad.

My family have banded him around since Luc left. Our official line is Luc went on holiday but we're not going anywhere. It seems to have worked well so far. Luc has called once in the two months since he's left. He didn't leave a number and I didn't ask. Hugo didn't want to speak to him when he called. I'm conscious of positive male role models so my brother, my dad and my brother-in-law (and his three sons) spend a lot of time with him. I love seeing the boys together.

We still live in the same house. We have two vegetable patches and grow basil, Italian parsley, oregano, sage, rosemary, coriander, garlic, thai basil, lemon grass, pak choy, rocket, english spinach, spinach, eggplant, cucumber, carrots, capsicum, tomatoes (roma and big red), chillis, zucchini, blueberries, passionfruit and strawberries. I adore this place. Our space is starting to look stylish and more authentically us.

So... I'm wearing headphones in my home office, listening to music that keeps me 'motivated' while I try to pressure myself into doing more work. Despite my clean house, there's a pile of dishes in my sink from having friends here earlier for dinner. I made marinated lamb cutlets and mashed potatoes.

I feel exhausted but content. I think I might leave everything and just go to bed.

* Watched my younger sister fall in love for the first time
* Witnessed the break down of Luc's relationship
* Seen Luc loose access to his second son (she left to go on holiday to her homeland of London with their son and once there, broke up with him)
* Received the news that Luc is leaving the country, indefinitely, to heal, and found myself extremely grateful that I negotiated for Hugo to stay with me
* Allowed Luc to stay at my place (his lease had run out) so our son could have more time with him before he left
*Accepted an apology from Luc for all the pain he has caused me
* Found myself utterly heart broken again
* Saw one of my best friends, Penelope, get married in Byron Bay
* Cursed single living and its downside of being struck down for four days with a horrid fever, vomiting and tonsillitis, unable to get up, eat, talk or go through a day without sweating through clothing and sheets
* Stopped casually smoking (mainly as a result of the above)
* Received a promotion at work and my own division of the company
* Started two thriving garden patches - one with herbs and lettuce and another with fruits and vegetables and discovered a love for gardening
* Contently maintained my disposition on dating and subsequently ended my casual arrangement with Jack
* Lost another three kilograms
* Endured the pain of laser treatment to avoid ingrown hairs (I'm now a major fan)
* Met a group of international superstars
* Found myself at a loss

Perhaps not so coincidentally, my desire to date has waned with the realisation that I'm contently happy with my life. And I'm sincere when I write this. I feel like I have almost everything I need in my life for now. I know this may change, but it's a first since my separation with Luc so I feel good about it. I desperately wanted to replace him and feel relief that it's no longer the case. Nights aren't as hard as they used to be. Alone time doesn't feel as lonely. I can breathe.

Nevertheless, being single has made me sense the absence of touch in our society. I'd hardly get any hugs if I didn't have Wolf!

I met up with Jack about a month ago, and although I have to write about our encounter, he did say something I couldn't argue with, and it's that we can't underestimate the effect of someone else's touch and skin against our own.

I realised this recently when I went for a massage. Instead of booking into a ridiculously priced day spa, I walked into one of those Asian establishments whose walls are filled with diagrams of body parts and accupuncture points, where they serve green tea and wear long white coats for an air of officialness. My place of choice is within a shopping centre that has been nicely decked out, even with the beige wearing pretentious folk who use basic English and speak very. very. slowly. and. clearly. to. those. giving. them. the. massage. unaware that the young men are bilingual and studying degrees in IT, law or medicine.

I digress.

I was lying face down on the massage table and felt embarrassed and a little sad when I realised that the man touching me was the first to do so in some time. And I don't mean it sexually, as it wasn't that kind of a massage, but just in general.

Ok. So I will pre-emptively admit one thing - since our catch up (which certainly came after that massage), Jack and I have entered into some kind of ambigious arrangement where we have a physically connection. I would describe it as occassional sex (in the rare instance that we're both available and in the mood) but he disagrees as he claims he can't just have sex with me due to our "connection" (please note my cynicism). I don't want to date so I don't dedicate a lot of my time to the whole thing.

And due to our history (I unfortunately cannot deny that we have a connection), there are times when we talk about work and books and stuff, but other times when the man contacts me with random things that he wants me to do to him. And our correspondence has made me wonder whether the age old stereotype of the man wanting sex and the woman wanting to be touched isn't that much of a myth after all.

Jack teaches courses in negotiations and so I've been trying to figure out what I really want. I certainly have things to trade, but as I'm writing this I'm thinking of three very simple yet truly intimate things like a massage, touches and kisses and to be held while I sleep. I wish my requests were more debauchted as I'd feel more comfortable requesting them. I'm not sure whether I will ask him for these things though as life is so good and getting my wish could rock my boat a little too much.

Yes. Life is really good, but there are time when a girl just wants to be touched.

It's taken me over a year and a half to feel genuine positivity about my life since separating with Luc. And now that I've gained this perspective, I'm really protective of it.

I like my life. I naturally adore time with my son, who turns four next month (!!). I love being his Mum. I enjoy my job, my clients and the people that I work with. I like my little house. I have an amazing network of friends and family and all of the drama that dominated my family life when my parents separated has waned. My brother and sister are dating really great people and it makes me so happy to see it. We have big family get togethers again and they're warm, fun and no one ever really wants to go.

So in amongst all of this, Luc's girlfriend sent me a text message:

"I have the content of the conversation that you and Luc had last Wednesday where you speculated upon the parentage of my child. I have spoken to L about it and have forwarded the message onto his mother. Please never contact me again and you are no longer welcome in my home. K"

I was pretty shocked when I received this message. Although I can see how she could be offended, the reference was actually a dig I made at Luc because he asked me the same thing when I was pregnant. But of course she wouldn't know this without asking me.

K and I have been on pretty good terms lately so I'm pretty bummed that it's come to this, but with that said, I've only been to her place a handful of times to pick up Wolf. I certainly don't linger.

I realise my role is the scapegoat but despite this there are surely larger issues at hand. Why is she snooping through his computer? The main focus on the conversation she mentioned was Luc complaining to me that he's unhappy, didn't want to have the child, thought it was a one-sided decision, isn't excited, thinks it's been a big mistake, didn't plan to have a baby with anyone but me and doesn't know what to do. That would've been a horrendous thing to read within two weeks of your baby being born (especially with all of those hormones!).

Besides the joke mentioned, my response to his outburst is that he needs to pull it together as he now has two sons who equally need him. And that I'm happy to spend extra time with Wolf so he can adjust and help K out, as she apparently experienced a horrendous birth.

Anyway, I have responded and was thankfully with five close girlfriends at the time so we discussed the situation and possible consequences in depth.

I avoided any digs about how justified would have been in making such a statement, especially since she was married and cheated on her husband with my partner. And I didn't make any mention some of the bigger issues she has at hand like the overseas offer he made to me the day after that conversation. I really have no intention of being involved in the possible break up their relationship.

So instead I wrote this:

"It was a personal joke taken out of context... I am sorry if this was hurtful but it was unintended. Please understand that my sole priority and interest is the well being of hugo, so that is the last i will say on the matter. What you think and do is a matter entirely for you."

She hasn't responded.

Nevertheless, Luc did a few days later saying that she unfortunately found what she was looking for and that his mother didn't appreciate the message as she thinks very highly of me. He said it was unfortunate that she found the conversation as it wouldn't have been a pleasant thing to read, but it was a conversation never meant for her eyes.

I since haven't asked any questions about his relationship with K because I sincerely have no interest in it. It's none of my business. And although I have no desire to get back together with him, I'm thankful that I now have a great excuse to avoid meeting his other child.

Above all of this, I'm really thankful that I can just leave all of that drama and happily carry on with the little life that I have.