The Contingency Plan

Growing so fast. Almost too fast

It's silent and hot with the invasive heat only momentarily relieved by the hum of a white fan. I've been sitting here with my eyes closed, focused on my breathing... "breathe in air, breathe out frustration". Frustration oftens sits beside me, nothing satisfies and the heat weighs upon me, numbing my actions. I mean to do so much but often blob here on the couch, consistently thirsty. Energy is consistently sucked from my being. The house feels cluttered. Luc is telling me about his business. He's excited, explaining concepts, I nod and keep writing, only barely grasping the basics. Hugo is asleep and Rachael is out so it's just the two of us making brunch, eating, devising plans and cursing the flies. I don't know where most of our friends have gone. We're all too busy, too tired, too overwhelmed. Weekends were recently packed with laughter and conversation but are now reserved for proper sleep, eating and rest before another five day onslaught. Luc and I talk about doing things but end up still sitting here. He's whistling and I'm feeling guilty. We argue about small, stupid things like whether to throw out a heater and what to do about the humidity. We agree on a mutual hate of flies, especially the ones that fly around together, fucking.

how to follow up on that last post? those feelings weren't just an odd outburst. i'm still quite mad yet have struggled with what i think my (two or so) readers would think of me.

sometimes i also question what I write because there are a few 'friends' that have this address. i don't know whether they read this and simply don't trust them with my feelings. i might as well start a new blog. hm. a consideration.

life lately seems to be scattered with moments of heart wrenching pain and sweet elation. one doesn't overpower the other so at times i feel confused about the direction i should be taking my life in.

the thing i undoubtedly struggle with the most though is people's self-centredness. even one's spirituality has become selfish. it's all about 'my' growth, my path, my voice, my freedom, my destiny. giving to others is unheard of unless there is a reward system, tax deduction or at least some significant public recognition.

you know, i don't think people want more professional therapy and counselling. from my experience lately they want friends who aren't always busy, people to get involved in their business, to help and actually discuss their life, dreams, problems and remind them of their triumphs. i personally don't understand why i can't find this outside of my relationship with luc.

urgh. i'm so pissed and just dying for some violence.

can't be fucked lately.

no actually, i can't be fucked with my family. and some of my friends.

the ones who endlessly take and don't give a toss about my thoughts or feelings. i've stupidly kept giving (to keep things up) but would rather pull every hair out of my body with rusty tweezers.

At first I passed it off as just a bad day.

Had three media knock backs on a damn good story I'd worked so hard on (all because they thought everyone else would cover it), discovered my older sister's maternal father had died, burnt the banana bread and the canneloni, had a horrid night of sleep with Hugo waking up consistently because of his teeth.

And then a new day.

A ten minute trip took an hour making me late for a hopeful meeting that resulted in nothing. Discovered, while on a beautiful walk with Luc through the city, a problem I'd experienced once I'd given birth had re-occurred and I'd unknowingly shit myself. It wasn't too bad, but oh, what a heart-breaking low. Sat in the public cubicle for 10 minutes silently sobbing while stripping myself of everything soiled, mainly my favourite undies in the tampon bin. Thanked God for black clothing.

Came home determined to power on. Kept working. Called friends who weren't around. Gave my exhausted lover a foot rub. Made spaghetti with ricotta and oven roasted vegetables for dinner but somehow under-catered for all.

And today after a tiring morning with a grumpy toddler, my brother called with a surprise of my uncle on the other end. He arrived from Taiwan two days ago but no one had told me. The scene was joyful in the background, lots of talk and laughter. They had already made the dinner reservation plan I was suppose to organise. They were all going away together tomorrow. I heard my mother in the distance saying 'no, we can't see her tonight, we're busy'.

I don't usually post forwarded email messages but....

-----------

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but
we weren't overweight because

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, Xboxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

My laptop is sick at the moment so I'm writing from Luc's huge 24 inch screen. I feel very exposed with my thoughts typed out on this large piece of equipment, so different to my lovely little laptop. I hope it gets better soon. Luc's managed to backup most of my files but I'm not happy people, not happy!

Hugo and Rachael are at playgroup at the moment and by the time they gets home Hugo will be ready for a nap. Yay! I know there's nothing wrong, but he's now 15 months old and still isn't walking. It stresses me out and yes, I do lay awake at night thinking about it but knowing that he'll get to it in 'his own time'. Babies obviously have no sense of time so I can just see myself carrying around a huge three year old monstricity, rocking myself to sleep at night, arms crossed, mumbling 'in his own time, in his own time'.

Anyhow, before checking on my laptop again, I'd like to otherwise like to report that work is going well. Although business is solid, we're happy it's not booming as we're still getting used to working with much smaller brands and all the admin that accompanies a business. Boo. The media reacts differently to the smaller guys so we're finding our groove there too.

I'm meeting with my former investor this Wednesday for coffee so that should be interesting. We meant to do it last year but it didn't work out and I'm thankful for that as I feel like I'm in a much better head space now. I have a strong desire to meet up with all the amazing people I worked with in that crazy dotcom time. My old investor still runs a successful VC firm, along with a million other money-making ventures and was very quick to reply and schedule a coffee time, which felt nice.

Chloe and I also have a new business meeting on the house-boat of a potential Client. I love the mad ones so I'm looking forward to it.

Squirrely was right; the list was/is simply too long. I gave myself a tiny month to get through it all, which provided no time for surfing ebay, reading blogs, watching tv, and eating ice cream with Rachael.

But anyway, I'm happy to report that I've done the important things.

I've sorted out care for Hugo by hiring a fabulous au-pair.

Hugo started weekly playgroup and Gymbaroo, and I find out this week whether he made it into swimming lessons (the lines are long for the good places).

I've created a basic website for work.

I've totally organised one of our spare rooms (as Rachael stays in it) and am half way through the second.

I only have around five loads of laundry to finish the lot (we've seriously done around twenty loads and have taken to febreezing and wearing our underwear four times - normal, inside out, back to front and inside out back to front).

And although I haven't taken on an art project (Luc and I have been going through a rocky patch so I haven't been able to muster the inspiration to paint anything for him), but I 've been cooking nearly every night, which I think is quite an achievement and nearly all the meals are new ones so that feels like quite creative.

And the office isn't totally done, but it's in a state where our admin assistant can come and work without any issues.

That's not tooo bad...

I received an invitation for another hens night today. It involves a civilised lunch where I have to share one of my favourite recipes for a 'hens recipe book' and then go rockclimbing at an indoor centre nearby.

Whatever happened to getting shitfaced while wearing a manky white taffeta veil, hiring a stripper and then singing raucously to naff retro songs while watching the scrags of the group get it on with anyone/everyone?

Last weekend was Kian and Amelia's wedding. It was a perfect, stunning occassion.

Being in the Whitsundays was both a treat and torchure as the jellyfish infested waters are uninhabitable. Yes, that means no swimming for fear of hospitalisation. Like being a diabetic in the mother of all candy shops.

But it was otherwise perfect and stunning.

On Friday morning Luc, Hugo and I left home for Long Island on the Whitsundays, which can only be reached by plane and then ferry/helicopter

Our flight was cancelled and combined with another, which didn't turn out too bad as we were joined by a group of around 10 friends also travelling to the island wedding

After arriving on Hamilton Island we boarded a helicopter only to find it was experiencing a technical malfunction. We had to wait an hour until another one could come and were compensated with free golf buggy hire to explore the island

Hamilton is without a doubt beautiful, but a busy tourist/family destination packed with people, buses and of course, golf buggies

Buggy-jam

We were extremely thankful to arrive in a very cool, airconditioned, large, gorgeous bungalow that sat directly on a private beach

Views from our room

Sunset from our verandah

First morning in the Whitsundays

View from my hammock

Luc, Gordon and Leilani went for a kiak before the wedding

The three stoodges all managed to tip their vessels but amazingly remained unharmed

Soon the chairs were set and everyone was dolled up for the wedding

Backdrop

Pretty paperwork

Aisle

Amelia prepares to walk

Done deal

Hugo met a little Bella, whom he loved to kiss on the trip

Photo time

The sun quickly dropped

Another Mr and Mrs

Lovers

This is what we woke to on our last day

Hugo reluctantly ate some watermelon for breakfast. The heat and humidity were almost unbearable at times

The pool was the saving grace of the resort. Warm but still very refreshing, it was open 24 hours a day so we all spent many hours wading and sipping cocktails

Kian braved the jellyfish infested waters to bid us farewell

Hugo was rather grumpy throughout the trip so I think he was happy to come home

But I was sad to leave the beautiful island (our bungalow was on the far right)

And then it was back to Hamilton for a few hours before flying home