The Contingency Plan

my only company tonight is the rain. i can hear its echo and the movement of cars driving outside. the house is dimly lit and although this is a blissful time of solitude and silence, i feel quietly panicked.

hugo is sleeping and i'm online to google parental separation and its effects on a two and a half year old boy. hugo can definitely sense something is wrong and he's been a clingy and angry child over the past couple of weeks. mum was looking after him last night and called me today, worried as she saw so much anger in him, anger that was never there before. she said that she overheard him talking to himself last night (this was when he was upset after i had left) and he was livid and yelling things like 'go away, i don't want you here, i don't like this' and he was then trying to push mum away, which is something he's never done before either. he's never said this kind of stuff before. he's usually sooky when i leave but perks up a minute or so later.

he's started to really fear abandonment too. he's ok when it's just the two of us at home or when harry is staying over (which i'm encouraging more now that luc is away). but when luc is around, he has to be in the same room as me, whether i'm cleaning or taking a shower. he really freaks out if i'm not within sight. there are other things i've noticed too, like he wants to act like a baby more often, doesn't want to feed himself anymore and wants me to feed him instead, wants to drink his bottle all the time, wants to hold my breast if he's upset or insecure (which is unfortunately quite often) and he's already started to talk about monsters, which i was surprised at and think could signify fear and insecurity.

hugo still consistently asks for his dad but when he is around, hugo's angry and stroppy towards him. luc has always been a loving and attentive father with hugo and this is perhaps the hardest aspect of this situation - i can handle the personal rejection, but it's the rejection i feel towards hugo and 'us' as a family that upsets me the most. luc rarely plays with hugo. he has a short attention span and is eager to 'put on a show' to pass the time. he doesn't react well when hugo is upset or angry - he yells back, threatens time out and doesn't take suggestion from me lightly in this area. the time he spends at home dimishes by the day. 'home' is now a place for him to simply sleep, shower, occassionally surf the internet, collect his things and go. he's rude whenever i try to talk to him. i try not to let this bother me, but know that i'm a decent person and have done nothing towards him to make him consistently behave such a horrid asshole.

i read an article today that said that hugo will be grieving, just as i am and that deeply hurts me. despite the good and bad days, i feel such a heavy and overwhelming loss and the fact that my innocent and beautiful boy is experiencing this too upsets me to no end. i wish i could bear the pain for him.

after researching and working out my finances i simply cannot afford to move out right now. we still have five months left on our lease and i'll need this time to figure out whether i can continue with my company or will need to give it up for a full time job. as much as i really want to, i don't think it would be wise, in the long term, to just up and leave right now.

and i think i can really focus on this now that we have a new au-pair too. luc encouraged me to get another one (to justify him not being around and to support his decision to go away for a few weeks) and i think i hit the jackpot this time. she's only three years younger than me so she's more like a housemate than a teenage daughter. the difference is amazing. she's just been an au-pair in the US for two children so she's sooooo good with hugo. we have similar interests and i'm looking forward to focusing more on moving forward. luc wasn't around a lot when our last au-pair was here, but hugo didn't feel the brunt of it as much as there was always someone else here. i'm hoping that this new au-pair will help him feel more grounded. hugo's taken to her really well so far.

i haven't told her that luc and i are separated as the situation is still so tender and i don't want her to feel like she's caught in the middle of it. i think it will also help to create some solid boundaries, which i think are needed. they're forcing luc to behave less like a brat as he doesn't like to loose face. i do want to explain hugo's behaviour though, so i think i'll tell her that he hasn't been reacting well to luc's absence lately at leave it as that.

soooo, i'm reading that i should encourage activities that help hugo express his emotions. painting and physical activities are good. so is time with harry as he's the same sex as luc. i should maintain our routine and allow for a bit of babying, but must set clear limits and boundaries and not over compensate by allowing things i normally wouldn't. i also plan to track down some books that will emphasise how much we love him and will always be there for him, despite the changes (as there will be more to come).

i also plan on also organising a coffee catchup with luc (outside of our home environment) where i can talk to him about all of this. i don't know what's going on in his head, but I need to at least tell him of the effects of his actions - from one parent to another.

i'm open to any other tips or advice....

I know there will be good days and unpleasant ones, but yesterday I felt positive and didn't cry and I think it was quite a breakthrough after months of misery.

The sadness is still there, but quieter now. I'm spending lots of my mental energy building up strength, praying and reminding myself of all the positives, like:

* I can re-build my life as I want, on my terms;

* I can be rid of Luc's bad financial decision-making and his weak social skills;

* I don't have to sit around every night watching tv. It's his favourite thing to do, he used to guilt me into sitting there as our "time together to relax", which was ok, but I like to be active and found myself still watching it every night, even when he wasn't around. Now I play with Hugo before his bedtime, we listen to music, read or draw, and if he's asleep then I call friends or catch up on bits of housework, read or write and reflect. It's refreshing;

* I don't want to hold onto his thoughts about me as my own - I know that I'm still attractive but think that I'm more than that too. You wouldn't go for me if you just wanted someone pretty to look at, I'm far too fiesty, knowledge and inspiration hungry and cheeky for that and have always wanted more for myself than that too. I don't want to forget this within all his rejection;

* I'm hopeful that I'll find someone else. I don't want another relationship any time soon, but I'm looking forward to being with someone who I'm a little more compatible with. This experience has made me realise that I do want to get married, have a big family (whether biologically or through adoption) and that although I want to be really successful, I don't want to focus purely on materialistic things. There needs to be a spiritual connection too, which I feel my union with Luc has lacked; and

* I've had Hugo at a young age (25), so there's time for me to find someone and still have more children. Chloe has friends that went through what I am at 38 or 40 and they couldn't have any more babies by the time they found another partner. I hope this won't be the case for me, whatever age I am.

I always fear that I'm sounding corny, but I am clutching onto any good news I receive and am keeping even the small stuff top of mind. If a campaign for work is moving along successfully, then I remind myself of that success everyday, for days. If Hugo eats a good dinner then I am thankful, if I remember to move my car in a parking zone and avoid a fine, then I'm ecstatic. When a friend (Drew) buys me the most beautiful looking poppies I've ever seen, then that keeps me uplifted. If Hugo plays quietly, giving me extra time to make some work calls, then my day is made.

After months of sitting here on the couch, crying and wondering whether Luc will be coming home and being heartbroken over of his words and actions, I'm ready to rebuild my confidence and my hopes on new ones.

I'm ready to be happy.

At first the sadness invaded my nights. I'm an easy target in the dark, sitting here alone, watching the telly or playing with Hugo and his toys. I'm still getting used to how two dimensional my life feels now that Luc is rarely around. Our space remains hollow.

Hugo misses his Dad. He's even making up stories as to why he's not around. Sometimes he wakes when I'm putting him to sleep and wants to know where Luc is. He disagrees when I say he's at work. Hugo thinks Luc is out buying him presents.

I bawl every damn day. Who thought I had so many tears? I'm tired of my grief but feel there's still so much inside.

Luc is like a ghost in our house. I still smell him in our bed. His clothes mixed in with mine. His stupid gym towels. This aftershave. He still leaves his shoes in the hallway, his razors all over the bathroom vanity, his cereal bowls on the counter. Still half full of Cherio flavoured milk.

I went to work today, the fresh air shocking me back into the world outside of my four walls and found that the sadness never leaves. It shamelessly lurks in my shadow. I experience brief moments of freedom when contemplating work, new business proposals or media angles but am then shocked into the realisation all over again.

His heart is no longer mine.

This last week has felt significant. It's been nearly two weeks since Luc verbally expressed unhappiness and his behaviour since has been truly abhorable. The average time he was coming home was around midnight, Hugo doesn't really spend any quality time with him and he simply does not want to be accountable to me in any way (he's actually said this to me to).

I told Amelia our situation on Friday night. It's too hard for me to pretend anymore. We're pretty close to her and Kian so she was shocked and instantly went home to share the news. Kian was upset that it took so long to tell him and came over straight away with a bottle of wine and some take away Thai. On his way though, he also called Luc and said that he wanted to candidly chat to us both and get everything out in the open. Making me wait was unfair, especially as he's not around for Hugo and is leaving me to do everything. They came over at around 8.30pm and left at 11.30pm. I knew Luc wouldn't take it well and was right. He never came home that night.

He stayed away the whole night and didn't call. I finally got through at around 3.30pm the next day and he said he stayed with a friend drinking for most of the night. He didn't feel I had a right to be angry. It was only one night. He later came home around dinner time after chatting with Kian. I tried to talk to him but he wasn't in the mood so I said today had to be the day.

It's 3.10pm and Luc and I have just finished the conversation. Hugo is next to me, playing with his favourite trucks, unaware, the movie Cars is playing in the background and Luc has just left, wearing my favourite smell almost with cruelty, gone to get some coffee and to think.

This is so hard. I haven't been happy but my word, I really wanted a life with him. I wanted marriage, babies, old age - the lot. I feel so crushed. So broken.

The hardest thing for me to come to grips with is that we're parting because he's no longer attracted me. Said he hasn't been for years (even before Hugo was around)... I feel like an unattractive fool. I feel deceived. He can't explain the times that we have been intimate. There's a lot he can't explain.

The conversation was difficult. I was angry, rejected and emotional and he sat there the whole time, calm and composed. This feels so unfair, I always come across as the crazy one.

And even though I feel such crushing emptiness, I'm relieved as there is finally a resolution. I can move forward, I'm no longer in limbo, waiting, alone.

We have officially separated.

there are certain things one must do when alone at home with a child. i've been going insane. the loneliness and expectation unbearable.

don't get me wrong. i'm totally ok to be by myself but this is different. the average time for luc to come home this week has been midnight and i find myself anticipating every sound near the door, jumping at every phone call, text message or email, thinking that it may be him.

but it rarely is.

we reached a new low today after he called to argue as he didn't have enough money to buy a new suit (a new hugo boss suit, outright). the money wasn't there because i paid our bills and rent, and not because of anything extravagent for myself. our discussion was long and bitter and even though i'm fairly cool now, there are two things about the conversation that can instantly boil my blood:

1. he just has to wait only one week until he can buy the suit

2. he challenged me to go out and make as much money as he does (the context being that i can't - not that i believe it)

i've tried to stay open to a reconciliation but admit that as each day passes, so does my patience. yesterday he actually told me that i had 'let go of my game lately'. when i asked him to expand on exactly how i had done that, he couldn't elaborate. during the first few years of our relationship we couldn't even say 'shut up' to each other. name calling or swearing was unheard of. it hurts to see how these boundaries have been worn down to nothing.

i've told my family and my really close friends about the situation. it's been liberating to finally admit what's really going on (i think that's what has changed the most since last writing here - those around me actually know what's going on).

chloe and i have already discussed business changes to accommodate my new life. my brother and sister and thinking of moving in with me for support. mum might join us next year.

i'm trying not to close the door but it's hard when he's not making any effort.

It only took a month and here I am again.

To be honest, I've been quite happy away from this blog. Things were shiny and clean and I started writing more frequently on another blog I've had for a couple years for family and friends. I liked what I was writing and I was getting great feedback from fam around the globe.

I have no idea whether people still read or check this blog. Nevertheless, I hope this can be a safe place where I can air my thoughts and get the response and advice of some well-wishing readers.

Sooooooo, for the past month or so, Luc has been really distant. He's been distant for longer than this, I guess to the point where I can't remember when we were last really close. But now he's never home, he work backs late every night, gets home on average, at around 9-10pm, then stays on his computer playing video games, chatting with friends or doing "more work". He doesn't want to talk, there's absolutely no physical interaction (no hugs, kisses, brushing of hands over limbs or even holding of hands) and whenever I've raised the subject of distance, he's defensive, accuses me of being too sensitive or having too many issues and I then succumb, feeling needy and pathetic. He's not here when I wake up and he goes to bed after I do or takes Hugo to bed and leaves me awake, alone at night. I've been lonely and miss my partner.

To make matters worse, we haven't been able to find another au-pair. It's winter here and this time of year tends to clash with the graduation schedules in places throughout Europe so we're up against at least another three great families for every single au-pair that comes through. We've even trialed one who absolutely wasted a week of my time before deciding that the job wasn't for her (insulting me on the way out, which was hurtful and unnecessary). So on top of running a growing agency of four staff with a eight month pregnant business partner, I'm doing absolutely all the housework, groceries, bills, laundry and looking after Hugo full time. I'm not really coping. Luc does nothing.

So I've managed to arrange an agreement with my brother, who comes over two days a week to look after Hugo. This at least gives me time to get some proper work done. I'm just managing to keep everything in control. Day cares centres around here have a six month waiting list. Pre-schools are even worse. I'm totally stuck.

So last week we were into week four without an au-pair and I was close to burn out. Luc still wasn't around so before he left for work I said that I couldn't do this anymore and asked if we could chat about our relationship as it just isn't working. We've been doing the same thing for nearly a year now - a few good months then a really bad week where everything nearly falls apart and then it's back to normal again. And I'm stupid and soft and give in to his occassional niceties, clinging onto hope, confusion consistently lingering.

I was later at Chloe's house (as Harry was looking after Hugo) and Luc came online and told me OVER MESSENGER that he'd like to go away alone for a few weeks to work out whether he still wants to be in our relationship. He was stressed with work and needed to wait until his current project ends, but for the first time admitted things aren't right. He wasn't sure if he could give me the friendship, love and partnership I need and needed to get away from everything to clear his mind and figure things out.

It was at this point that I fell apart. I bawled to Chloe. Went home and drank some wine and was distraught that after seven years, he would tell me this over MSN.

Fast forward to the weekend and he was being totally passive agressive. He made plans with me (optional plans with friends) that he cancelled at the last minute, leaving me in the lurch... twice. He couldn't be bothered to leave on time to pick me up from dance class (after offering to drive me in) and left me outside in the cold for an hour and I'm subsequently fighting off a cold. He later needed to go and work from the office, but when I called to see if he could pick up some milk, he was having coffee with friends. I've asked if he's having an affair and he flat-out right denies it, even though this is classic affair behaviour.

So yesterday I said we were over. We then had an honest conversation where he said that he wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore, isn't attracted to me anymore and thinks that he's been this way for years - even before Hugo was born, doesn't want to marry me, but isn't sure. Which is why he still needs to go away. Because even though he says all of this, he still cares for me and things could work out - he just isn't sure. He then told me to 'put my attitude in check' when I felt mad and disappointed.

Today he said that he wasn't sure if he wanted to have more children. Later he asked what was for dinner and wanted a positive house environment as the current one is bringing him down.

I am so confused. There are further details I've either forgotten or can't be bothered sharing in this makeshift summary of events. But, one thing I have determined is that I've been unhappy and need to decide what I'm going to do as well. I feel I deserve more than this and unsure whether I should wait the six weeks Luc wants to decide whether he still wants 'in' on this relationship.

My gut is usually strong and my intiution keen, but am confused. At times I feel I should wait it out and give this every chance that I can as it surely deserves it, but then I get so mad and wonder whether he can give me what I need, which I don't feel is a lot.

I managed to sleep last night by picturing myself in a happy relationship - lying in bed and cuddling, sharing good conversations, laughing, cooking together - the man didn't have a face and it worked, except that my visions were consistently muddled with black and white shots of Luc and I getting married. Candid shots of family and of the life we have built together over the past seven years.

The only way I'm getting through this is to think that if Luc and I separate, then it's a chance for me to re-build my life as I want it. And if we get back together, then we'll be stronger.

Anyone know a good psychic?