The Contingency Plan

so what have you been up to lately?

forget the question of occupation, this is how we're being judged. i mean, how can nine to five cut it when you consider moments of freedom?

travelling is the ultimate of answers here. anyone who's familiar with our culture knows the young flee (usually to london) with backpacks full of desire for undetermined periods of time, and our travel shows always receive high ratings. perhaps it's to do with being so far away from the rest of the world.

and work is definitely the most pathetic of answers. recovering from work is even more disgraceful.

so let's take a quick kazumi toll of the office today to see the status of things:

88% of my office had a relaxing weekend - they did things like slept in, went out with friends for brunch/coffee, blah blah blah.

16% got drunk. that's four people out of 25. the company has the medium age of 24 so this disconcerting, surely the percentage should be higher.

16% worked. thankfully i'm not included in this number. this week.. hopefully those who worked did so drunk.

8% experienced a show (theatre + cirque du soleil).

interesting.... not really.

Take My Breath Away

Sometimes this blog feels like a form of self-preservation. When I was around 13 I was obsessed with diary writing as I thought it would help me to remember my candy memories when my mind was older and otherwise occupied.

There's been a lot missed in the past few years and it's a shame because when you can't remember you can't get lost, you can't billow.

Today the winds are cold and infusing. They rattle my white windows and remind me of love. Not of the lingering love I now experience, but of the airstreams that momentarily swept me up.

I still remember them all. None of the feelings were ever reciprocated so I had a penchant for collecting poetry and sad songs.

I think I liked it that way.

i feel wilted.

last night's emotions weren't just about me and lucas. we had our time talking things through and it's cool, but i then got upset from issues with my family, sophie, my job and my relationships - i'm not normally weepy so it must have all hit me at once as i was sobbing for hours. i felt like i needed it, which possibly confused lucas who just wanted me to stop crying.

none of the men i know, whether they're family or friends, gay or straight, know how to handle a distraught woman. especially if she's crying because she needs to, because she's overwhelmed with feelings.

and those terrified, rather bewildered looks just make you feel more like an alien.

all my close friends are now males, so it's times like these i would've called on sophie. she was perfect in the comforting department. i know many women call on their mothers but mine just doesn't function well on this level. she had a horrible upbringing and didn't know how to hug me until i was in my late teens.

don't get me wrong, she's warm, loving and generous, but she was also a gangster and still does things she doesn't care to share. i mean, how could she afford to give me that many diamonds on a wage from work with the disabled? i think this helps her stay sane though, it's her ying and yang.

nevertheless, today i found myself in chinatown having yum cha with mum and estelle. mum could tell something was wrong so her way of making me feel better was to feed me and buy me clothes. and hanging out with estelle was refreshing. estelle has down-syndrome, the mental capacity of a three year old, combined with an eating disorder that will literally eat anything. mum's been talking care of her and three others for over 10 years now so we're all like family. they've even spent holidays with us.

anyhow, i guess the day was comforting and grounding. i didn't think about any of my shit, i just ate, shopped and made sure estelle didn't try to eat anything she shouldn't (very important as the silly git's eaten batteries, paper, pens, etc. before).

and on the topic of eating, i think i'm going to stick with that theme and make myself some chinese dumplings for dinner. yum. cooking is so theraputic.

a tired tale

ironically jack emailed me today. said he was still very jet lagged but wanted to know all my stories to help him cope with another tiring day. sooo i wrote him a tale or two inbetween organising two media briefings, four advertorials, a product launch and attending a company lunch...

Love me, love me

I recently read an article about a book, worldwide Satchi & Satchi chief, Kevin Roberts released called "Lovemarks. The Future Beyond Brands".

According to the article, Roberts believes consumers want to be entertained, inspired and feel ownership in brands. Nothing new here, sounding ok so far.

But further to this, brands now need to connect with people on an emotional level to achieve cut through and if they don't, they'll loose the customer and subsequent sales. Hm. This is starting to sound questionable.

Working in the PR industry, I understand the need for companies to break through thousands of media messages to communicate a message, yet reading this, I feel ripped off about the whole 'lovemarks' theory.

Roberts may be correct, perhaps this is the only thing left to sell as we've developed immunity to current methods, but I still don't want advertisers (and people like me) selling love and emotions, and question whether I want a false and shallow 'relationship' with a company because they want me to purchase their goods. But perhaps this is nothing new, we've been selling sex for so long that love is the next natural step.

Anyhow, I realise all of my opinions are fickle as I haven't read the book, so this is my mission. I shall read the book and report back... more on this later, though I welcome anyone's thoughts in the meantime...

golden misgivings

even though i'm back with lucas (and i'm very happy with the decision), the issue of jack is still plaguing me.

i don't want to be with him, but god forbid, i think i'm being palmed off!

jack chased me for around three months and he was an absolute charmer. if we were to have dinner, he'd want to cook it for me (as taking me out would've been cheating), he'd make impressive meals that would've taken hours, knew every perfume i wore and what days i wore them, we'd stay out for hours in romantic parks just talking, blah blah, you get the point.

anyhow, this culminated in us being together. after being 'friends' for so long we ended up travelling through each and every base in the one night (oops), which i'm not fussed about, the only problem is that i never hear from him now. the difference in communication before and after the fact is significant and unfortunately undeniable.

he has said he's 'busy', but hell, i work 60-70 hour weeks so that excuse just doesn't fly (i don't actually say that to him). on the face of things this doesn't phase me, but i admit that when i'm alone i think of the situation.

was i being too clingy? did something about the experience put him off? was it too soon? on and on. he use to think i was intruiging, entertaining and intelligent - has that changed now that he knows me better?? i hate being a paranoid chick.

and now the thoughts have resurfaced as he went overseas for work for two weeks and came back on the weekend. yes, umi, it's only tuesday so don't freak out, he's probably jet lagged... nevertheless, i just know it's dead.

and i don't mind, i just wonder why.

still obsessed with the jewels.

i'm officially shallow.

what crisis??

today i received diamonds. four to be exact. big, beautiful, clear, stunning, sparkling jewels that adorn my finger. it doesn't seem right for me to have them.

thanks mum. apparently 25 is a good age to start owning diamonds.

mum and i both know the design isn't my style (the front of the ring is in the shape of a loose 's' with the biggest diamond at the top and the other three following, sliding down the shape), but i have to admit they are my new best friends. i never thought i'd ever be a jewelry person, but i'm in love. smitten. totally taken. love at first sight.

and penelope just got offered the job of her dreams.

and i also blitzed the proposal and pitch of a major campaign i've been sweating over.

so how can life be so bad?? especially when you have diamonds.

pizza with penelope

pizza was on the menu tonight. i indulged with penelope, we've been close friends since we were four years old and were best friends for around ten years. we grew apart when we were around 16 years old, most likely to establish our own lives and identities, but have remained good friends ever since.

i know i shouldn't make substitutes and compare people, but i find her more trustworthy and dependable than sophie. she's not as volatile and doesn't have as many 'issues'. perhaps i just don't have as many expectations.

anyhow, it's our tradition to go to a popular pizza parlour in paddington called arthur's (highly recommended to anyone in sydney). arthur's definitely boasts some of the best pizzas in sydney, but it's always busy and full of the fashionistas that live in the area, so we took our family sized delicacy to the unussuming pub next door for an instant seat, cheaper drinks and spent the next few hours catching up.

like me, penelope seems to be going through a bit of a crisis. she's miserable at work, doesn't have anywhere permanent to live, is fighting with her brother and her best friend (as she went to bible study instead of her birthday) and her love life lacks lustre.

you'd never think it from the surface though. she's absolutely stunning (former model), works as a successful fashion buyer and just seems to have things under control. it's so easy to think that of people though.

i'm starting to wonder whether this whole 'mid-twenties crisis' concept is bullshit. perhaps i'm just going through a shit time and need to get my act together. it's often easier to have a challenge with a label.

lucas is lovely and i am a fickle beast.

as you know, last night lucas took me out for dinner. we were having a rather belated celebration of my birthday so i arrived home to a very funky bag and skirt (he has impecible taste) before heading out to one of the nicer restaurants in the area.

and the dinner was lovely. lucas and i have lived together and have had an intense relationship for nearly four years now, and although our conversation still contained the intimacy of time, for the first time in over a year it also contained the excitement and attentiveness of people who've just met. it was so refreshing.

my relationship with lucas has been through a very tumultous period. i battle with thinking that i'm too young to be in such a serious relationship, with wanting time to myself and battling new emotions when meeting other men i'm attracted to. he's been experiencing something similar. i'm sure it's just natural...

but now despite my former decisions i'm really wanting to get back together with him and he's the same. we just seem to fit. but i'll have to totally end things with jack and that will make me sad as he's really lovely too. i don't want to loose his friendship or hurt him or feel too uncomfortable to stay in the book club so i'm going to have to be careful.

i just hope i don't make a fickle decision...

note to self, kazumi should not consume coffee in the morning and a hot chocolate in the afternoon. i'm absolutely BUZZING!!!!

well, the house is far from spotless but i'm feeling a little better about my 'friends' situation after a thoroughly enjoyable weekend. not missing sophie so much anymore.

i ended up at the surry hills festival on saturday, which was filled with good music, food & clothing stalls, and an abundance of people drinking never-ending bottles of beer from brown paper bags - love it when people shamelessly look like bums (and a welcomed sight after spending the morning at the sydney home show directing a pretensious tv cook, oh yes, fun).

the organisers had sectioned off most of the main street so people living there literally opened up their houses and joined in on the action. i spent my whole afternoon bumping into old friends, catching up over drinks and laughing. it felt so good to laugh and reminded me that my life has just been too serious and stressful lately.

so, in fulfilment of my last post, i spent the rest of the night impulsively hanging out with some fabulous people - eccentric, witty, intelligent and easy going (just my style) and getting home in the wee hours of the morning very drunk yet feeling fuller.

anyhow, i can't write for too long as lucas (ex-boyfriend of four years) is taking me out for dinner tonight... eeshk!!

Split-Level Living

I can hear my neighbours warmly greeting friends tonight.

It's been years since I've lived at home, but I still miss having friends pop by because they're in the area. It would happen at least a couple times a week when I was younger.

Over the years, friendships have fragmented and although I don't mourn the past, I certainly miss the comfort and security of having an established group of friends. What's happened? ... I no longer have to keep my apartment spotless all the time *grin*.

I live in a very different area to that in which I was raised. You could easily say I grew up in a dodgy area of Sydney, but now live in one of the wealthiest and most beautiful. And I went directly from one extreme to the other.

When I first moved here there were a few of things that really struck me: the quietness (I couldn't hear people's arguments, parties or the blasting bass of cars driving by), the number and ratio of luxury cars, the hoards of people exercising or walking their pets at any given time of the day, the overload of people wearing navy, white, cream and beige and the fact that I could walk around at night without a male or large group accompanying me. I felt so out of place!

Yet another thing I've also noticed is the lack of warmth and community, things seem so official. The only time I see friends is when we organize drinks or dinner parties and in my whole time I've never bumped into a friend on the street and subsequently spent the afternoon with them - my experiences are lacking intimacy.

Perhaps my goal for this week will be to get my place spotless and to invite all those old friends over... maybe I'll start a pattern.

red book of memories

to make work a little more enjoyable jeremy and i have been emailing each other various top five lists. we've gone through top five favourite songs, top five occupations, top five meals when you're broke and have a week before pay day, etc.

anyhow, he suggested top five childhood memories today and thinking about it was so enjoyable that i've decided to share my list.

so here they are, my top five childhood memories:

1. raising my sister. shortly after the birth of my sister, natasha, my parents purchased a chicken shop in possible one of the worst suburbs in sydney to pay off their mortgage. we moved into the apartment above the shop and my aunt came from overseas to help us out. nevertheless, business was booming and tash was very young so i spent all of my spare time taking care of her. i was six at the time and did everything from changing her nappies to feeding her and bathing her - the lot. the whole family was in the lounge room when she took her first steps and she came straight to me and would only walk to me for the first little while. we're still very very close.

2. i was a rather cheeky child. when i was around three, my brother was a year old and i was rather jealous of him so my mission in life was to devise plans on how to convince my parents to get rid of him. i clearly remember doing this. my favourite argument was that dad should take him to work and leave him at the construction site and that the workers there (as dad was a shift worker at the time) would take care of him. i still think it's genius.

3. as i've mentioned, my mother's rather eccentric. when i was in grade four, she decided she was tired of her shrinking breasts (bad side affect of breast feeding) and would jump the trend and get a boob job. i was going through a phase where i just wanted a normal mother not a crazy mother so she decided not to tell me, and said she was having a stomach operation instead. on the morning of the operation i went to school a little teary so the teachers decided that in chapel that morning the whole school would pray that mum's operation would be successful. the principle/pastor even got in on the act... dear lord, the look on their conservative christian faces when her 'stomach operation' resulted in big hooters...

4. the beach. because we lived out west, we'd make a whole day of going to the beach. we'd leave at 8am, spend every moment of the day in the sun, eat ice cream and fish and chips (mega treat!), leave just before sun set and fall asleep on the way home with warm skin and sand in our hair. as dad's scottish, he'd get really burnt so we'd spend the next week having back peeling competitions.

5. music. i know it's a general memory and probably more of an influence, but oh well. my parents both have rich, fabulous voices. everyone in my family can sing, and as brady bunch as it sounds (and before we turned into the debauched bunch that we are), we use to all sing a lot together in full harmony. i used to think this was normal. they also sent me to a small christian school that had a strong focus on philosophy and the creative arts, so music, dancing, singing and classic texts were just as important as mathematics.

6. adding another just cause i can... jumping on dad's stomach. being into martial arts dad had (and still does) a stomach of steel and use to let me jump on it until i was around three. so much fun!

ahh the memories...

Transformers

Being the little nerd that I am, I'm very curious to see how the upcoming Transformers game will fare. Does anyone else remember and have oh-so fond memories of that cartoon? It's always interesting to see how developers turn legendary movies/TV shows into games.

Out of the recent Matrix, Lord of the Rings, The Terminator and Harry Potter lot, I think the only two that have been decent have been the 007 and Star Wars games (I worked on the PR team of one of the two major consoles companies, which totally sucked me into the whole scene). Transformers however, is being developed here in Oz, so I hope it'll be reasonable.

Anyhow, talking about transformers, I'm totally sick of the way I look (and what a segue!). I desperately need a new image and we're talking a new haircut, new clothes - the lot. I'm totally bored. My only problem is that I've put on a little weight in recent times, it's nothing stressful or serious, but means that I can occassionally get really mad at the way clothes are made - it's not just catwalk models who want to wear the latest.

I recently went into a boutique designer store that only stocks small sizes. I discovered this when I required a medium and was disdainfully told by the snooty shop assistant that they don't make any - how ridiculous! Yes, I have hips so I can diet as much as I like and still won't fit into a small (tried that in the past).

Anyhow, we all know the arguments of how the fashion and media industries place ridiculous pressures on women to look a certain way, but fuck them; I'm not going to let this stop me from looking fabulous - these foolish and irresponsible designers can just loose out on my sweet, sweet plastic money.

I'll keep you updated on how both transformers fare... xx

Happy Mother's Day to all the mums out there!

And in particular my own. I have a stunning, unpredictable, wonderfully eccentric mother. Many people don't know how to respond to her - hell, I don't think I knew how to until I grew out of my teens!

When I was younger, family friends would often say that dad had mastered the art of kung fu but that mum had mastered the finer art tongue-fu. And it's true, I know of no one else whose words can possess as much fire as hers. She's taught me so much *grin*.

Yet it's not just her expressions that make her unique. When I was in high school, she used to make stories up of overseas relatives dying to get me out of class and into the mall. Despite my protests, she made me wear knee-high suede boots when I was 11... to church... and taught me how to exercise my pelvic floor muscles when I was 13. I didn't know until I was much older what they REALLY came in handy for. As pathetic as it sounds, my only way to rebel was to try and be as 'normal' as possible.

Many of my friends had their first proper, informative sex talk with her and after their intial blushes and shyness, would return many times later, shamelessly with a notepad and/or stories of subsequence success.

She smokes, she swears, both her belly button and are tongue pierced and she has an amazing figure with cheekbones so prominent they look fake. Women are often wary of her, men (including most of my friends) want to be with her, and gay men absolutely adore her. And as crazy as she is, she's so open about life and all its shit, and so accepting of others that I feel comfortable discussing or being anything around her - and that truly is releasing.

Closing Borders

Sophie came past tonight but I wasn't home so she left a package and a note with my neighbour:

Hiya Umi,
Hope you're well.
Thank you for allowing me to borrow the clothes in the bag, you are very generous.
Your belated prezzie is here too. I hope you like the book... if you don't, the receipt's in it to exchange - it's a traveling book that I thought you'd love.
This feels all so bizarre Umi... do you get the feeling you've been here before? I certainly do. And there's just so much stuff here between you and I? Past life perhaps. I don't know...
I am also sorry for the pain and sorrow caused. It has been extremely hard and painful for me since our last conversation. So much sadness about it all. Just wanted to let you know.
Although you have seen only my actions that appear heartless, I really do wish you lots of good things in your life and may your dreams come true and your love fly.
Love, Sophie

So many things come to mind after reading that note. My neighbour said she was crying while writing it, and part of me thinks that I should bad for her, but I don't as I think it's all self induced.

Did I mention she's breaking up our friendship because I don't talk about spiritual things and 'tend to my soul' as much as she thinks I should? Don't get me wrong, I certainly have a deeper side, but don't feel the need to discuss it in every single conversation we have. I want and need the light and laughter too.

I guess I'm feeling pretty ripped off more than anything. I'm the only friend that has stuck by her through her various obsessions and fascinations - from Anthony Robbins to a 'philosophy' cult to her latest guru and through some less than stella moves as well - from stealing a former boyfriend of mine to bailing out on our business when things started to get a little tough, and this is why this ground seems familiar. We've definitely been here before.

Anyhow, although we had a lot of good moments and I miss her and feel lonely at times, I'm tired of complicated and hurtful relationships so I don't think I'm going to pursue reconciliation. This has happened far too many times and I'd be a fool to think otherwise - don't you think?

The story started four months ago. Armed with an umbrella and my i-pod, I'd been drinking with work friends and was feeling rather relaxed and refreshed as I wandered through Sydney's fabulous fashion capital - Oxford St - in the rain.

I reached an intersection where I noticed two people waiting by the lights without shelter. Feeling quite charitable, I asked if they would like to share my umbrella and being a little tipsy/happy, started a conversation about their plans for the night.

Before we had reached the other side of the road, I'd discovered they belong to a quaint little monthly book club, had swapped business cards with both, and planned on attending their next little gathering, I was so excited!

Fast forward four months later and here I am after returning for my third time.

So let me tell you a little bit more about the people that go...

Regulars
* Jack - started the book club around 18 months ago with Isabelle. Warm, funny and engaging, Jack's a lawyer but also a professional Bondi Beach surf lifesaver in his spare time (yes... he wears those infamously red dick stickers). He's the man I met that day in the rain and from that time forth, has dubbed me 'the umbrella goddess'. Jack's just turned 31.
* Isabelle - friendly and cultured, Isabelle organizes each of the get-togethers and is the keeper of 'the book' (yes the book club has its own book). Isabelle's also a lawyer and was walking with Jack that fateful day I met them both. She has amazing cheekbones and a genuinely uplifting smile. She's in her mid to late thirties.
* Jeremy - has been a regular for around nine months now, but has been a student for nine years: first a law degree that he postponed, then a phD in English literature, which he's now completing while finishing his law degree. The thing I like best about Jeremy is neither that he's also a yoga teacher on Monday nights, nor that he's tall and extremely good looking, but that he's addicted to reality tv and trashy mags just like I am. He's 26.
* William - is a long-timer who's studying fine arts, majoring in art theory. An older man (early forties), William's very entertaining, expressive with his hands when he talks, pronounces all of his words beautifully and always holds strong arguments and opinions.
* Tara - discovered the book club through Jeremy. Super friendly, she smiles a lot, we tend to vote for similar books and she wakes up at 5am each morning to exercise, something totally beyond my comprehension. I'd say she's also in her twenties.
* Duncan - is a journalist with a wicked, dry sense of humour. A travel writer who has published his own travel book, Duncan's the kinda guy who always has a tasty story, whether it's of how he fought off a prestigious, multiple award-winning, and absolutely horny artist when he was 14 or of his recent geisha experiences in Japan. He has a head full of grey hair but I think he's only in his mid-thirties.

There were nine of us there tonight and after dinner we walked to our local bookstore where people picked their preferences and we then voted on our next selection. Some get quite passionate about the whole process, which always make for an entertaining experience.

Anyhow, the night was also significant because of other reasons, but now I'm tired so I'm going to have to continue with this one later... sorry...

If anyone's interested, we're reading Margaret Atwood's "Onyx and Crate".

xx

Funkalude

Today's playlist:

* As, Stevie Wonder
* My man, Dianna Ross
* Until you come back to me, Aretha Franklin
* I'm ready, Tevin Campbell
* What about your friends, TLC
* Pump up the Jam, Technotronic
* I wanna sex you up, Color Me Bad (haha)

The Special Ones

There's a kookaburra outside my window as I'm writing today. How's that for Mother Nature?

Yet even stranger than this bird's laugh, is a voice message I received today from Sophie, my best friend of seven years. We had a major falling out on Friday and although I don't want to take you through all the particulars, I will provide you with some background information:

* Sophie knew I wasn't looking forward to my birthday (I'd broken up with my boyfriend of four years just a few weeks beforehand)
* She was too busy to call me on the day (at a relaxation retreat, no joke)
* She called a couple days later to cancel our plans
* I didn't hear from her for over two weeks after that, she called as she wanted to pick up a book

Of course I feel hurt and disappointed by her actions, but that isn't the thing that's bothering me the most, rather it's the way she positioned everything on the phone today. She talked about 'managing our relationship', 'meeting expectations' and 'results' - since when did our friendship start sounding like a business meeting? Sophie doesn't even work in a field where these terms would be part of her vocabulary.

Her only excuse is that she's a bandit for those bloody self-help conferences and ironically just returned from a retreat with her favourite Indian Guru, who's known for her selflessness, empathy and compassion.

It just seems absurd when all I really wanted was some crappy phone call to say 'happy birthday'.

Klink klank... my two cents

I know a random list is oh-so unoriginal but it's the first thing that came to mind...

1. I love the sound and smell of rain
2. I enjoy stretching
3. My eyes are hazel my hair is jet black
4. The full fat option is always the better one
5. I've never touched snow
6. Dancing like a damn fool is good for my soul
7. I'm half Asian, half Scottish
8. I live in Sydney Australia
9. After a shower, I always moisturize
10. A guy I met online flew from Canada to Australia to meet me
11. I'm 25 and disheartened
12. I like cracking my knuckles. I can also crack my neck, back, wrists, knees, ankles, toes and on a good day, one of my pelvic bones
13. I work in public relations
14. I've been told my melting moments and monte carlos biscuits are to die for
15. I played classical piano for ten years
16. That was eight years ago and I'm saving (ha!) to resume the hobby
17. It'll probably take forever as I'm definitely a spender and not a saver
18. Reading is one of my favourite pastimes
19. I'm part of a delightful book club
20. I travel to and from extremes, the middle ground is challenging/ boring
21. I was the tallest person in my primary school from grade four onwards (I'm now of medium height, around 5'9)
22. I have a younger brother and sister, both whom I adore
23. I'm comfortable being naked
24. My nose used to be pieced
25. I love to drive fast and use to race guys down the highway
26. A bad speeding accident and some horrendous fines soon put an end to that old habit
27. I love going out for brunch
28. I like my eggs poached or scrambled
29. I have a weakness for sleeping in
30. I collected stationary when I was younger - how Asian of me!
31. I want to travel to New York, Tokyo and Spain
32. I occasionally write poetry
33. I love watching kung fu movies
34. I wish I were in a kung fu movie
35. I pretend I'm a tourist whenever I get lost
36. If I could lie in a painless, effective, yet relatively inexpensive electrolysis bath and look like a twelve year old for the rest of my life, I would
37. I relish time on my own
38. I get addicted reality TV and watching music video clips
39. I have a big smile
40. People NEVER believe my mother is my mother, they always assume she's my friend or sister
41. I practically raised my younger sister
42. My dad is an 8th dan kung fu martial artist
43. I've had an affair. He was (and still is) an engaged magazine editor
44. I don't have a favourite alcoholic drink
45. My parents use to sneak me into jazz clubs when I was underage
46. I love the smell of vanilla
47. I like playing video games, RPGs in particular, with the exception of Top Spin
48. I also pathetically get addicted to free cell, I find it relaxing
49. I love the beach
50. I'm impulsive
51. I've had three surprise birthday parties - 18th, 22nd and 25th
52. I passed philosophy at university by buying my tutor beer
53. I have a clear police record
54. I'd love to be a jazz singer in some smoky underground club
55. I have small feet
56. People watching is so enjoyable
57. I've had sun stroke. It was just in time for NYE 2002
58. I once played mahjong for three days
59. I like eating with my fingers
60. I get crushes on people easily
61. I enjoy swearing
62. I broke my arm when I was nine roller skating
63. I haven't broken a leg, but wore a cast for a week when I was misdiagnosed
64. I don't find cleaning enjoyable. I wish I had a maid
65. My favourite book is 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' by Oscar Wilde
66. 'The Moor's Last Sigh' by Salman Rushdie would be a close second
67. I love having my forehead stroked
68. I like biting, but only those I like
69. I love how my mum smells
70. Mum's cooking totally kicks ass
71. I like laughing myself giddy
72. I'm named after my grandmother
73. I rarely wear makeup
74. I've never been in hospital
75. I've never had stitches
76. My parents are divorced
77. My dad is 63, his fiance is 28
78. The longest friendship I've had has lasted 21 years. We're still close
79. I like sunbathing topless
80. I'm scared of heights, though I've been hand gliding and enjoyed it
81. I've also walked the Sydney Harbour Bridge and despite the 100km winds, enjoyed that too
82. My star sign is Aries
83. I can speak broken mandarin, but can understand more
84. I find exercising boring
85. I rub my feet together before falling asleep
86. I use to be a hair model and have shaved my head twice
87. I used to have 17 beauty spots on my face
88. I procrastinate
89. I'm very close to my immediate family, with the exception of my father
90. I wear glasses
91. I had my own business when I was 21 and raised VC funding for it
92. I rarely wear jewelry
93. My siblings and I all have naturally really curly hair
94. I'm fairly optimistic
95. I like doing things impulsively
96. I'm ok with small talk
97. I love pop culture
98. First time I fell in love was when I was 20
99. I enjoy sarcastic, dry humour
100. I love toy stores

take two

Her name meant beauty but she felt worthless like used teeth going on sale. Crouched into a corner she smoked the last half or her last cigarette and inhaled each breath as if it would unveil promises she longed to forget.
Their love had been intensely brief. It left her feeling like a novice flasher
the rush
the panic
she ran
the regret
overexposed and naked. She had revealed too much and longed for those parts back.
So she sat in corners and smoked all of her cigarettes in halves as if she could replace the smell of his skin and the mouthfuls of his breath with smoke to clear her dirty lungs.
She had dreamt of a life void of stains and scatted thoughts but had tumbled for a promise with the unfaithful and couldn't heal her bruises.

---

I wrote this poem around six months ago, it's one of my favourites...

just take a deep breath...

i always find the first sentence the hardest. it's always been the case and i've been a sporadic journal writer since I was around 11. blogging seems to be a natural progression, though I do feel late to the crowd. oh well.

as horribly cliche as it sounds, i feel as though i'm going through a mid-twenties crisis. i'm searching for plan b (c, d and/or e) and craving a drastic life-changing decision as all my foundations have recently been uprooted.

anyhow, i'm sure it'll be ok... yes... self-denial is so indulgent... :)