The Contingency Plan

Last night's book club was really enjoyable. We met at our usual location and even though we had a smaller group of six, we were far more animated than our last meeting. Last month we were plain tired.

And for the first time I felt like I contributed in an intelligent and witty way. I think it's because I didn't really care how I looked or who I was impressing and relaxed more. I wasn't conscious of my actions. Past meetings have always been spiced with secret dramas. I like it a lot better now.

A thing I find interesting is that nearly everyone there is a lawyer. I like listening to their discussions and seeing how they interact with each other. I would never assume all lawyers are like these, but our group does seems to attract a certain type of person, perhaps because they're all connected through common friends. I don't think I fit the mould but it's not something I'm concerned about.

Anyhow, the people there are so different to my colleagues and many of my friends who are largely creative extroverts. It's the way they use language. Their words are precise and greater effort is taken into their selection. They have a million and one hobbies aside from working at successful companies and being in a book club, from art to acting, yoga and massage, to life-saving and languages. They listen very carefully to what you say. They dress more conservatively. They take time with things like eating, walking, selecting books and talking.

Since joining the book club I've noticed I'm impatient. I read a book to greedily inhale its plot and characters. I have to make a concerted effort to slow down and take in its finer points. When I was younger I'd speed read sections where authors had taken great pains to detail sceneries and environments and would be eager to know what would happen next. The result would be I could digest great books in mere days, but I've noticed when people ask me what I like about a novel, I find it challenging to answer their question. People often tell me I have great characters and stories to write a book on, but I simply don't think I have the patience (ironically three published friends have based characters on me. I haven't read any of them yet, not sure if I want to).

Anyhow, perhaps my fast moving mind is why I suit the work that I do. I've often given two minutes on the phone with a journalist, a couple of days to create a cut-through campaign for a tought client, and 30 mins to write a media release. We all work on multiple large accounts so time management is an absolute necessity.

I recently had presentation training and my trainer thought I had a very personable style, focused content and gauging enthusiam but said I rushed things. Apparently everyone in the company does. It takes discipline to speak slowly.

And I don't think this will change until I finish up here at work (five weeks to go!). Perhaps it's then I'll take some time out to breath and take up a slower pace. I don't know whether I'll enjoy it, but I guess that's to be decided.

I've been determined to turn things around these past couple of days. Miserable with work and many of my relationships, I've decided to become positive and active in creating change.

It's been challenging. I've noticed many of my thought patterns have been destructive. For instance, I was quietly convinced Lucas was loosing interest and cheating on me so my behaviour towards him was a little erratic, emotional and unfair (ok, maybe more than just a little). And the real reason he was unhappy and unaffectionate was because he was depressed about his job. He's now started at a new company and has been transformed into the loving, happy, funny and energetic guy I'm used to.

Anyhow, I have book club night tonight so I have to shoot. The book we read (Skinny Dipp) was a disappointing read. Naked of originality, it deserved to be thrown overboard.

It feels like I'm writing one drama after the other - if it's not my family, it's my job or my friends. At times I think I should just keep these events to myself, but you know me, I'll end up a festering mess and the purpose of this blog is to write what's on my mind.

This year has been one of my hardest so far. After being together for five years, Lucas and I broke up and then got back together, I lost my best friend of seven years, briefly dated a loser in the disguise of genuinely nice guy, started to hate my job, found out my 64 year old dad is dating a 29 year old, that my mum's engaged and living with a millionaire she won't introduce anyone to, discovered I'm pregnant and continued to deal with other family issues, as I'm sure we all do.

I'm disappointed Sophie hasn't called or done anything to congratulate me being pregnant.

I still haven't confronted my mum as she's either too busy too talk or I'm too tired to have the conversation.

I'm over it.

... but still strangely optimistic.

What a busy weekend!

Every few months the social committee at work hold a secretive event that's suppose to bond all the different groups in the company. We had one of these on Friday so I spent the afternoon pretending to be in a scene from the Great Gatsby dressed up in 1920s garb, playing badminton, botchi ball and crochet and eating some very delectable delights on a gorgeous heritage property with a jazz band playing in the background. It was so much fun and even though I'm seven and a half months pregnant, managed to hold my own and kick ass in the games, not that I'm competitive....

Lucas also finished his job from hell on Friday so we went out for a long big breakfast on Saturday morning to celebrate. We also made some major baby shopping purchases, buying a beautiful cot, matching change table, baby bath and all those little things you need like mattresses, mattress protectors, pillows, etc. I'm feeling much more in control now. The cot we're buying is a lovely solid timber model that comes with extra parts to turn into a todler bed so I'm very pleased with the purchase.

Sunday morning was spent with the family and was a relatively easy-going affair. I'm not sure how I feel about it all yet, still have mixed emotions. But the rest of the day was spent at a friend's birthday picnic, eating the yummy gourmet food they'd made, playing more botchi ball, some frisbee and catching up with old friends. Two of our friends there are photographers and ended up taking pictures of my belly. Perhaps I'll paste a couple online for your amusement...

But I think the most valueable thing I did on the weekend was to have some quiet time to myself. I've realised I'm always doing something and am rarely alone and still with my thoughts. So each night I wandered out to the garden and watched the bridge, the water and tried to still my overactive mind... Still getting there.

i'm seeing my dad this weekend. it's causing me some stress as he's never been to my house, i haven't seen him in over a year and wouldn't if i weren't pregnant. but i've lived without grandparents and don't want wolfie to do the same thing.

dad went through natasha and asked if he could come by with her and my brother this weekend and i softened.

at this point i have conflicting emotions. i miss him, love him and want him to be a part of this time in my life, but am still angry at how he's treated lucas, my family and me.

dad's never really accepted lucas. he believed lucas would just use me and leave me once he had a visa and kicked me out of home because i wasn't planning on marrying him. two years later i found out about dad's multiple affairs (and he wonders why i'm hesitant to get married!).

those times were hard because lucas' visa didn't allow him to work more than three months with any one employer and i'd just started in PR so the money was shit. the company i worked for (same as now) then hit troubled times and we were all asked to take a pay cut to help them make ends meet. despite this we managed to survive and save the huge amount we needed for a visa application so lucas could be a permanent resident.

dad's done plenty of shitty and hurtful things since so i'm just unsure about this weekend. i know i'm doing it for wolfie but i still wonder.

We have a good life together.
Lucas is divine.
I'm so happy to be with him.

So Sophie re-surfaces.

I spoke to a friend of ours today, Kris, who I first met through Jamie, her husband. Jamie was my hairdresser for years. I was working in retail when Jamie and I first met and over the years I've hooked everyone from Lucas to Natasha to Sophie, her sister and all their boyfriends along the way. He's an amazing hairdresser.

Jamie and Kris have a beautiful son now. Jamie recently quit hairdressing and Kris use to be in fashion but now designs her own range of absolutely divine baby manchester. They're the funkiest couple. We've always been relatively close but have been in touch more through Wolfie and our common experiences.

Anyhow, Sophie called Jamie for a haircut and ended up talking to Kris who asked if she'd heard any updates from me. Sophie obviously didn't know I'm pregnant and was naturally dumb-founded.

Kris said she was very silent at first and that it sounded as though she'd realised what she'd done to me and our friendship. She was devastated. Kris asked if she was ok and Sophie said she wasn't. She was at a loss and got a little upset. She then asked if I was ok, if I'm happy and felt sadness about not being there for me during this big time in my life.

Although I feel for her, I'm glad she knows. I do miss her and wish things had turned out differently, but I have no desire to call her after what she did. I know Sophie has a good heart and means well but our friendship is just too dramatic and I'm weary enough from recent events with my family.

Report from Camp Mutiny

It's with great regret that I report Mutiny at PR Point did not take place.

The troops and I met. We decided we were all overloaded with work and were understaffed by two and despite our previous efforts, management had not acknowledged this for over six months.

We knew we needed to have a good strategy as we have an extremely savvy managing director (the only one of the management team we really trust) and need a strong argument to hold our ground.

So with this in mind, we decided to take a two-pronged attack. Part one of our scheme was to individually reapproach our group account directors (GAD) and emphasis just how serious the situation was. If results weren't seen in a month, we would then, as a group confront management and hold a meeting to discuss why nothing had been done. We didn't want our actions to be rash, unwise and full of angst.

So five of the eight of us met with our group account directors (GAD) to discuss the matter. I knew my GAD was particularly concerned as our group morale is low and my colleagues and I had been rather blunt with her (she's been rude and horrible to work with for the last couple months so this was very releasing).

And I think the message got through as she took us aside today (almost a week after our assault started) and said support was coming next week.

So we decided to hold off on our mutiny... for now...

At times I think my past flings mean nothing. The bruises didn't mark, the obsessions were elementary and the feelings absolutely fleeting.

But then I'll come across a song we use to play, I'll read a similar name or better still, inhale the same smell of a stranger and the pangs will strike.

The words I collected from your breath, your delicate and mysterious flesh, your smile with its metallic reflection.

And I'll wonder how you managed to creep into those places where you reside. Dark and folded, pinned into me as validation.

There's a confrontation I have to make that I've avoiding. Actually there are two.

As I've previously mentioned, my immediate family is healing from the mess of my parents' divorce two years ago. I won't go into too much detail, but when things blew up, we discovered my father had been cheating on my mother for 25 years with various women, including a number of her best friends. I was really close to both parents and they'd often confide in me so I found myself in the middle of their mess.

At the time Lucas and I were living nearby and I'd quit smoking for two years, but on the night that I was called in to help I went through a whole packet and didn't really stop until around February this year. That night dad lied to me and said he'd only had one affair and mum went crazy and trashed their brand new house. I was called over to settle things down and to mediate their arguements. Later, dad would go to bed to find knives in his pillows and I had to talk one of mum's 'old friends' who'd come from Tiawan from trying to cause him major harm.

The arguments continued for days and towards the end I got tired of mum acting self righteous when I knew she'd done things to deteriorated the relationship. So with this, I confirmed dad's suspicions and revealed, in front of mum, that she owned a 'massage parlour'. I betrayed her trust but was tired from the secrets, the arguments and was stressed and wanted desperately to show that both people were to blame for this mess and should both take responsibility.

Unfortunately this didn't eventuate and the rumours started. Dad was a womaniser (which he is) and mum was a prostitute (which she wasn't, although she owned a part of the industry). I was angry at dad for starting this rumour as my younger brother and sister shouldn't have suffered from it and I was tired of being in the middle.

After the initial shock, mum disappeared overseas. She never said goodbye to anyone, but we all knew she was in Tiawan with her family. She's very close to my Aunty. She stayed out of our lives for around a year and it was familiar territory as it wasn't the first time she'd left without any warning.

It's now been two years and things are still raw. My parents claimed to have moved on but they haven't. Dad's been dating a woman, who's only a few years older than me for over a year and mum's now dating a millionaire who's crazy about her and wants to marry her. Everyone but me has met dad's woman, but mum refuses to introduce any of us to Benny. She won't even tell us where he works in case we look him up.

So this pretty much brings us up to date. And I'm mad because my mother is upset that my sister didn't stand up for her in a recent argument she had with dad and says that Natasha obviously doesn't need a mother figure anymore. At first I listened, but now, perhaps like the past I'm mad and can't believe she can so easily walk away again.

And I'm mad because I had to change the date of my baby shower because Mum'll be away in the Barrier Reef with Benny and his daughter. At first I tired to overlook it, but it upsets me that she's prioritising time with someone's else daughter, someone I haven't even met.

And the situation stresses me. Sometimes I just want them to be there for me and not have to sift through all the shit.

boy or girl? girl or boy? boy or girl?

each day i ask myself the same question, trying to tap into my intuition to provide insight, but quickly avoiding the answer as i don't want to get my heart set on one or the other. i'm still excited about the surprise.

and i think about the benefits and disadvantages of each sex. and of course this is biased.

but more than this, i wonder how i can instill principles and a hard work ethic into wolfie if lucas and i live a comfortable life. i don't want to raise a spoilt brat.

one of my co-workers is an only child. she's lived throughout asia with her parents, had nannies, went to boarding school and nearly anything she's wanted. she's very hard working, but she's also a brat who gets upset if her mother does housework on saturday mornings as her sleep is important.

lucas and i haven't lived in poverty, but we've both worked very hard for everything we have with little or no support from others and i think that makes us appreciate things a lot more.

but i guess these are questions many parents have.

and the countdown... i have 10 weeks until wolfie's here.

i know, time flies.

The skies are still crying and I'm contently alone in the otherwise silence.
The television tempts with escape but I'd rather sift through my thoughts and drink some tea. There are times I'm addicted to that box, but tonight it feels pushy.
Today was my first day back in the office and there's a mutiny brewing. And I'm afraid I've sparked it. Perhaps 'afraid' isn't the right word.
As I may have mentioned, there are a lot of unhappy people at work. More than half the company is miserable and ready to walk and it's the half that makes the agency money, the group I love and belong to. Thing about us is that we weren't always this unhappy. Lately I've noticed all we do when we're in a situation outside of work is bitch about work, so I've suggested we all get together and talk through what we're unhappy about, devise a strategy to conquer this and tell management to hopefully inspire action on how we can work together. At least then we're not just talking amongst ourselves. And to my surprise everyone's up for it, so we're meeting tomorrow night. Who knows what this will turn into. I just hope I haven't given birth to an ugly storm.

I took the day off work today. I stayed up until 2.30am last night upset and talking to Lucas and found myself utterly depressed. I simply didn't have the strength this morning.
It's now 5.17pm and I'm still in my pajamas. Lucas is cooking dinner and I've spent the last few hours working from home. I've enjoyed the quietness and the productiveness. I'm feeling a little better about things, not so stressed.

I've spent the last couple of weeks drained, emotional, working long, stressful hours and coming home to a haven of Lucas and television. I haven't been writing, reading or seeing friends as much as usual. There have been blog-worthy moments, but I've lacked the inspiration to write. Everything seems staccattoed, forced and frustrating.
The morale in the office is dark. Nearly everyone wants to leave. Last week I consoled a friend who was sobbing and physically sick from the stress and it makes me mad. The company has a talent for employing vibrant, intelligent and tenacious people and sucking the life out of them. We all feel jaded and long for time to escape and revitalise. I'm consoled with the thought of leaving. It's been three years and I'm a sucker for 'looking on the bright side'.
And the main thing I battle with is perception. I often find myself feeling insecure, paranoid and unsettled, especially when it comes to Lucas. He's great, but it's like he's never enough. I feel I crave more than he can possibly give and consistently need to keep myself in check. Sometimes unsuccessfully.
There's a storm brewing tonight. It hailed heavily earlier today and there's nothing I love more than a rainy night. I'm hoping the change of season will soon wash away my angst.
I'm looking forward to having a baby, but I'm tired and know that won't change once I've given birth.