The Contingency Plan

Thanks to Denise for the link to this...

Hugo gives his dummy the thumbs up 

Although he loves his dummy, his hands have a habit of taking it out of his mouth, playing with it and dropping it to the floor. He then cries for it, I wash it and give it back to him and the cycle continues... 

Whenever I sit Hugo upright now, he kicks his feet up, slams them down to lift up his bum and then slouches. It always makes me laugh, which makes him do it more. He usually ends up lying down.

This is Hugo laughing at Luc's antics 

For the past week or so, Darwin has been under threat of a type five typhoon. Its been all over the news and its citizen have been preparing for the worst.

Luc and I were watching this show tonight and one of the show's hosts, stand up comedian Dave Hughes mentioned the biggest sellling emergency supply has been... beer.

The sadness is heavy. And I wish it weren't so. It's the kind that sticks, just under my skin in a slow and lukewarm bubble. It piles on the kilos. Bloats. I wish I felt elated and empowered but I feel droopy. Turgid.

She distributes a newsletter of poetry each week. It's simple but beautiful. There are themes. Sometimes the words are borrowed, other times they are her craft, but either way she creates an introduction and summary purely worth reading on their own. She sent one to me today.

The words are brilliant. They are vibrant, happy and quite delicious. I used to devour them, but now they leave such a sour taste in my mouth and the sourness iritates my insides.

I have so many other friends so I don't know why Ali still bothers me. I feel safe in the friendship of these people, we have a long history, they make me laugh, they know my tic and tock, so why? I don't understand.

Perhaps I'll ask to be taken off the list. The words upset.

Our very tired baby trying to avoid sleep earlier today

Tonight I write from the cooler comforts of bed. Although I can hear the rhythmic brush of breezes outside, our windows are closed to keep hungry mosquitos at bay.

I look to my right and see a very tired Lucas trying to tempt sleep and between us, a very restless Hugo, whose arms and legs compete to determine the faster. His breath is short, his beloved dummy neglected by his side, he stares at the laptop screen on my legs and all Luc can say is, "now you've done it; your typing is getting him all excited."

But wait. His chubby legs now rest elevated on mine and I can feel his soft, warm breath on the tops of my arm. As I watch his eyes slowly close I fear by the time we move next week (therefore having room for his cot), he will abandon its comfort, preferring that of our bigger version.

But don't we all aspire to that next step? Hugo's definitely reached it, his beautiful, lonely bassinette to my left, partially hidden by a spare blanket.

Don't get me wrong though, the situation isn't all bad. I adore waking to see him right there touching my face and Luc, of course, loves it too:

"He's so small, he smells so good and I won't get to do this for long," he says, brushing his cheeks back and forth on the top of Hugo's hair.

But as the one who settles him each night, I see the shaking heads and hear warning words of other mothers reading this.

So I figure this will be good for the next week.

And of course we'll then be enveloped in a sleeptime crisis, or maybe I'll be lucky and he won't quite mind it at all....

Fingers, toes, arms and legs (vainly) crossed...

So it's final - we're moving!

The application has been made, the deposit has been taken and we've notification to our current landlord. I've already booked the removalists. I've sourced boxes. I've started to get organised. It's final. Oh so final.

So on 25 March we'll leave this stunning apartment to enter a beautiful home. It's truly the transition from one phase to another: from an apartment to a house, from life as an irresponsible couple to having a family. And a business. Thank God no pets!

And to top it off we're having a party! A picnic in fact. Not this Sunday but next, and yes, there will be photos :)

Hugo was around two months old when Luc and I started to shower him. Luc does it more than I (as I get to bond with Wolfie while breastfeeding), but it's something we all thoroughly enjoy.

At first I was surprised. He took so well to the shower and would briefly cry if water splashed on his face, but has since learnt to trust us and even tilts his head back towards the spray to wet his head. It's so damn adorable.

After Luc showered tonight, I handed him our bare babe and while preparing Hugo's towel and pyjamas watched them together. They were unaware I was doing so, which made the scene even the more touching.

The two of them look so natural and similar together with fluid movements and a simple routine. Luc was confident in what he was doing and his hands looked so big against out little baby's body. There were no tears or panic (on either end).

After his body was wet, Hugo's chubby little arms held onto his Dad while he leant back to wet his hair. I then watched as Luc raised him near the head of the shower so Hugo could feel the jets on different parts of his body. He cooed, squealed, waved his arms and kicked his free hanging legs in excitement. This merely encouraged his Dad, who proceeded to make silly noises and that's when the laughter began.

Hugo turns four months old today and I'm so proud of us all, especially our baby who's rapidly changing into such a strong, social and happy little boy.

Water baby (this is actually me and not Lucas holding Hugo)

I woke up early this morning. I did a few loads of laundry, indulged in a long shower, opened up all the windows and downed a glass of Pepsi while looking at the sun shimmering on the waking waters.

It felt like a brilliant start.

There's nothing I relish more than spare time. Hugo was taking a nap with Tash (who's been staying with us for the past few days) so I took the opportunity to check my email and suddenly my stomach churned. I hesitated and then clicked on the link. She'd finally replied to my message.

Ali and I became friends through work. We instantly clicked and spent a lot of our spare time together. We spoke almost every day, we shared our writing, wrote together, drew attention, caused havoc on the town and she even ventured to call us kindred spirits. Although it was a little sentimental for me, I quietly agreed. The bond was undeniable.

This continued for months as our friendship deepened but she abruptly stopped talking to me after a picnic Luc and I had last February. By this time Ali had met Tim, who she was smitten with (on New Years of all nights) and Tim and Luc had become fast friends. After this, Tim stopped talking to Luc as well. The only thing we could think of was that Tim didn't want to leave the party and Ali got pissed as they were suppose to meet her sister that night.

I've mentioned it briefly in a past post, but never confronted her about it as I decided to just let it go.

Fast forward a few more months and shortly after the birth of Hugo, Ali started to call and chat to me online about the experience and how I was faring. We'd talk for hours and I mistook this interest as genuinely concern, but then discovered she was also pregnant. As soon as I learnt this, the correspondance abruptly ended again.

Yes, I know, I should've forgotten about her at this point, but as sappy as it sounds, I was sincerely worried. I found pregnancy to be an emotional experience. Ali's relationship with Tim was only 12 months young, they had never lived together, he was a studying artist whose only income was a part time job at an art store and her family lives interstate so I wanted to make sure she felt supported. So I called a few times, wrote a couple of emails and sms'ed her mobile phone to just say 'hi' but never received a single reply.

So last Sunday I couldn't sleep and decided it was time to face things. I had a hunch she felt like I'd done something to hurt her and wanted to express that I really didn't know what it was but wanted to make things right between us, not so we could become close again, but just so the situation was set straight. I wrote the note carefully, said I'd follow it up with a phone call a few days later and pressed 'send'.

So over a week and a phone message later I read the opening sentence:

"Sorry I’ve been a bit elusive of late but things in my life are changing a lot and very quickly."

I knew this was the case and kept on reading...

"As you know, once you have the baby there is minimal time just for each other or those close to you – so our evenings have become “our” time where we both turn off phones and just spend time together."

U-huh...

"Unfortunately that only leaves the days for me and my own head space and with having to start mentally preparing for leaving work for a few months these have been incredibly hectic, along with everything else.

"I guess you could say that I have chosen to pull back from many people in my life solely for the reason that I need to make more time for “me”, my friends and family.

"Hope Wolfie is well.

Thanks,
Ali"

I was disappointed. She didn't ask about me, there was no reference to why this all happened and I couldn't believe she could be so cold, I obviously don't fit into her 'friends' category anymore. There were times in the past when I felt lonely, but Luc and I have a fantastic group of close friends now so I just don't need this.

I feel a little relieved, but nevertheless sad.

I don't think I'm going to reply to that note and think after Sophie and Ali, I really don't need any more dramatic, childish chums.

Gordan, Natasha and I sat out in the garden on Saturday night and took pictures of what we saw. We've decided to mount the best ones in our new place, that way we can still see our view whenever we like. I love the idea. Gordon works in photography so it will be much easier than I thought.

Anyhow, this is our first effort, simply taken with a digi cam. The tripod and professional camera come next week. What do you think?

I simply love the colours of this picture. It was a stunning sunset. 

The clouds streaked out from Harbour Bridge over the city making it look like the focal point of this painting 

The sky became dark within a matter of minutes 

The moody clouds create the perfect backdrop 

I like how this picture looks like it could be dawn or dusk 

Night falls 

Does this look like a three month old to you? 

I didn't think so... (this is Hugo with Natasha)

Tash is his new best friend

The windows are closed and my blanket is wrapped tight but the cold blue air still permiates my creaking knees and toes.

It seems I'm loosing more than just heat today. It started out small. I couldn't find my glasses, misplaced a CD and bacteria beat me to my banana, but before I could re-open the fridge to find another treat, I realised I'm also loosing my current home (even though we're gaining another great one) and the spark in my relationship with Luc to stress.

I don't have a text book reaction to dealing with these losses. This time, I took after my mum in mastering the art of tongu-fu and verbally defended myself and my relationship with Luc with conversations, requests, reminders of our past passion and as a last resort, arguements. None of it has worked.

So today I encouraged him to go out with his friends. When he returned Natasha and I were watching 'So I married an Axe Murderer' for the one hundreth time so he retreated to his cave to watch action flicks and play video games.

The couch feels cold without him but I just hope that by giving things a rest, our relationship will re-gain some energy. Like Pantene said, "it won't happen overnight", but this time I hope something will warm up, even if it's a little.

He was unsettled so we ventured into the illuminated night. The stunning scene had a strong sense of calm, emphasised by the soft sound of the sea. Our surrounding sky was cool and clammy but provided a refreshing break from the confines of our apartment.

The occassional black bat flew past and at first Hugo was excited by the lights of Luna Park, the grandness of the bridge and the shadows of the Opera House but then he relaxed. I changed his upright position to snuggle him to my breast, sang muted melodies and within moments his handsome eyes closed. Mission successful.

And besides being beautiful, the experiences was also sad as Lucas and I have decided to move. We've found a house without any stairs or communal walls and it even has a garage, unlike our current place. These streets are clogged with cars and we've spent many a tired time circling the block until something came up.

But this place is so picturesque. The small suburb of McMahons Point is like a village filled with intimate restaurants and cafes, the salt of its surrounding waters and the knowledge that even though the city is just there, a small body of water blocks its traffic, noise and bustle.

It's my perfect location.

But now I'm moving and have to remind myself that sacrifices must be made. We're simply running out of space. We're stacked ontop of each other, things can't have their place, the steep stairs are just too hard (there are nine sets of them) and yes, they prevent me from going out. And that is driving me mad.

So I plan on spending every possible moment by the water with Hugo, enjoying this delicious hideaway Luc and I have shared for two years before we enter the unknown that is suburbia.

It's going around. This isn't the only bug I've caught lately...

Called New York to try and hire a prominent fashion photographer who has been dead for two years

Discovered I was pregnant when there was only three months to go

Gave my autograph to two people who had separately mistaken me for an Australian C/D grade celebrity... while I was nine months pregnant

Accompanied my mother while she searched for a central yet discreet location for her next 'massage parlour'

Hung out with Massive Attack after one of their Sydney concerts to see them fanatically watching a soccer game

Blew a six figure amount of investor money on my flash in the pan dot.com idea

Managed to get hired again by the same investors for another job a month later

Shaved my head. Twice

Had a touching conversation with Christopher and Dana Reeves during their visit to Sydney a couple of years ago

Fell in love with someone over the Internet... or does everyone do that these days?

A juicy Portuguese chicken burger, a piece of Tex Mex Mexican pizza (think beans, sour cream and guacamole), a small tin of sardines in olive oil and a bowl of vanilla ice cream.

And it's all starting to repeat.

Thank God I'm alone right now.