The Contingency Plan

The time was 9.32pm. Hugo was running naked through the house, giggling after his bath, Luc was chasing him, laughing, a nappy and pyjamas ('damas') in hand, Susi and I were watching recorded episodes of the O.C., the dinner dishes were still laying on the counter and a fan was circulating hot air around our full and noisy home.

My phone rang and I thought it was another journalist enquiring about a media release we'd distributed earlier in the day. I answered the phone and when I heard her voice, my back and neck instantly heated up, my stomached knotted and I was quite lost for words. Time expanded.

After two and a half years of silence, the time had come for our paths to cross again.

She stumbled through her first sentence. I asked why she was calling and started walking towards the quiet bedroom.

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Sophie was my best friend of seven years who shortly after deciding to follow an Indian guru also decided that I wasn't spiritual enough for her. I didn't meditate or practice the spiritual principles that she now followed. I naturally found this to be quite hypocritical as her beliefs encourage disciples to embrace and love people unconditionally. Nevertheless, Sophie made some very harsh and hurtful judgments and abruptly ended our friendship when I called to schedule a time to celebrate my birthday. Belongings were exchanged. She wrote a 'goodbye' letter. I remained silent. Shocked.

Sophie was someone I considered to be my kindred. What she did deeply wounded and infuriated me.

Over the past few years I've written about Sophie here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here.

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The start of our conversation was quite straightforward. Sophie said that she'd been through some recent changes and had realised how hurtful and judgmental she had been towards me and wanted to say sorry. Her voice was wavering. I could tell she felt uncomfortable. There were long pauses in our conversation.

Although I was very honest and straight forward, I wasn't mean or spiteful towards her. For instance, at one point Sophie said that it was important for her to say that what she did wasn't personal but a result of how messed up she was at the time. After a quick pause, I asked her how something like that could be impersonal and explained how her actions affected me. She listened and explained that she is still finding it hard to not judge and not become extreme in her actions and beliefs. And then honestly said that she felt her spiritual journey would be hindered if we remained close friends. That I could handle as it was the truth, unlike her 'it's not personal' line.

Ironically Sophie reminded me of what I was like when I was an extreme Christian as a teenager. Sophie's questioning her beliefs (are they her own or conditioned?), she's listening to other music besides spiritual Indian music for the first time in over a year and has realised that she can embrace people of other religions and beliefs and still remain strong in her faith.

A lot of questions were asked and after we spoke about the past, spent two hours catching up on the last two years.

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Sophie called over a week now and I think about our conversation quite regularly. We were suppose to meet for a quick catch up last Thursday but that didn't pan out due to work committments. This post has been quite tricky but helpful to write.

I was speaking with Chloe about the situation and explained that although I don't hold any bitterness, I'm still wary of Sophie and don't know to what capacity I'm willing to have her in my life again. I thought Chloe made a good point: my life has changed so much in the past two and a half years (relationship with Luc much stronger and more stable, we have Hugo (!!), our own businesses, etc.) and I don't have as much time to nurture a high maintenance friendship.

With that said, I am curious to see what the future holds.

Sounds like your friend is really going through her stuff. Almost like when an Alcoholic or addict does amends when they are doing their 12-steps. A fresh start for you both...maybe?

spirituality is quite complicated--no wonder people devote their whole lives to figuring it out; i hope we have more than one life time--i need an extention.

glad you have come to terms about the house and this friendship--always good to move forward.

SQ

It must have been hard for Sophie to make that phone call. However, I don't see how she expects you not to take her past decisions personally.
You seem to have been doing fine in your current life without her. When I have more time I will come back and read some of the "here and here and here"'s.

Funny, the Branch LOVES to crawl in bed naked right after his bath, especially when he's not quite dry.
-Junebee (it won't let me sign in!)

Em: Ah yes, twelve steps kinda stuff isn't a surprise for Sophie who's always been on the extreme and addictive side of the scale. There are a lot of addicts in her family (mother was an alcoholic, sister a heroin addict at 19)... I initially thought that I was open to a new start, but.......... ??????

SQ: I agree on the spirituality thing. I called Sophie during the week to see how a second conversation would bode and I don't know.... I so often find Western interpretations of Eastern spirituality EXTREMELY pretentious. For instance, Sophie only eats organic vegan food and her judgement on a working mother who offered frankfurts and sausage rolls at a kid's birthday party was extremely harsh and not something I have lots of time for.

Sometimes spirituality and 'real life' can really clash.

Junebee: Yes, I think the call would've been hard. I don't know how well our different lives and personalities 'mesh' now. I'm sceptical after our last conversation but think that perhaps I need to see her in person.

I laughed when I read your comment about Branch. Hugo LOVES going to bed ("bet"). He absolutely and completely loves it no matter whether he's dressed, naked, clean, dirty, tired or wired!!

You simply must post photos of those two beautiful children online sometime soon. I'm hankering to see how they've grown!!!!