The Contingency Plan

I remember the first moment I saw the film "As Good As It Gets". My heart sank the moment Jack Nicolson's characters stormed out of his therapist's office and said to those in the waiting room "what if this is as good as it gets?" And although it's one of my favourite movies, I felt the gasp that one of the characters in that room made in response to that question.

I've struggled with seeing myself happy lately. Over the past seven years my life has been crowded with sad and dramatic events and part of me is fearful to want anything more. I can sit with this sadness. It's predictable, almost controllable. Happiness is distracting and fleeting.

I don't like talking about my sadness or depression here sometimes, especially because I'm happy on paper. I've been with Luc for nearly seven years, Hugo is beautiful, happy and healthy, I have the opportunity to build my own business with a wonderful partner, we have an au-pair for daily support. I have friends. We rent a place that overlooks the water. We have two cars, a big tv. This should equate to a heartfelt smile, yes?

But I'm missing the fireworks and the notion that my life is progressing excitedly forward. And I miss the feeling that I'm really connected to other people who will notice if I'm not around everyday. Or not even that dramatic - people who just like being around me and think of me.

When I was a young girl, I remember my mother and our old neighbours talking about the 'making the most of the life that you've picked' and wonder whether should this now apply to me. Are my expectations totally unrealistic? Do fireworks simply blind you from the harshness of reality and mundaneness of daily life?

I feel like I'm in a rut. I'm having trouble sleeping again and I don't know what I can do to get myself out of it. Sometimes I don't care either. I really don't want to be dramatic. I'm not dying. I guess I just feel like getting this out there.

Our current au-pair is a nineteen year old girl from Germany and even though she's leaving us in just over two week's time, I think we've bonded a lot over the last few weeks.

One thing I enjoy about this au-pair experience is the sense that I can be a bit of positive influence on these younger girls. I had a very rewarding experience with our last au-pair. When Rachael left us, she wrote a touching card about how living with us had changed her life, raised her confidence and helped her through some heavy issues she was working through. We're still in contact and I just love the communication.

Anyway, the down-side of the experience is that sometimes I feel like I've have gained a temperamental teenage daughter. She's living away from home (for the first time) and sees me as a bizarre mixture of mother and boss. Clear boundaries need to be set and consistently re-inforced and sometimes it's just not fun (though I'm trying to approach it as practice for the future). I'm learning how someone's upbringing affects their relationships. I'm not sure whether it's a generational thing or a matter of upbringing, but the younger girls are more about the 'take' than the 'give' and want everything and anything immediately. Or am I just getting older here?

Now that Susi's approaching the end of her trip, she's totally freaked out about the amount of weight she's gained while living in Australia, but instead of exercising and eating healthy meals, she's taken to just eating one meal a day. This has been going on for nearly two weeks now and is starting to stress me out.

I've had a number of conversations with her. I did the same thing when I was her age, so I tried explaining the devastating effects this has, long-term, on her body and its metabolism. I tried suggesting a number of small meals or snacks throughout the day vs. one big meal at the end and even said that if she wanted quick and effective weight loss, that there were more effective ways of doing it, but nothing I'm saying is having any effect on her. She doesn't need to be so drastic but wants to return home tanned and skinny and laughs off my efforts, insisting on continuing with this stupidity.

Luc tells me that I shouldn't bother or care, but I'm finding it hard to do this. I'm starting to wonder how I can effectively communicate the negativity of her self-inflicted actions? She mentions it almost daily so do I starve the attention (she's shamelessly used to an abundance of attention from her parents)? Do I just dismiss it as something most girls go through as stick with the positive re-inforcements?

Any suggestions??

Two weeks ago I went to work from Chloe's house. It was a Thursday, which meant that her beautiful little boy wasn't in day care so I brought Susi and Hugo with me. Susi was going to look after the boys and we were going to (try and) get as much work done as possible.

Our crew arrived, armed with Hugo's potty, snacks, drinks and extra toys (as other people's toys are always better than your own). We said hello to Nic, our new bookkeeper and her gorgeous five month old daughter, hi-fived our new Account Coordinator Monique and her cute 18-month old son, Ali arrived soon after with her divine two year old (who joined our boys in the back playing with trucks and trains) and we conferenced in a former colleague, Kate, to discuss a new business proposal while her eleven month old had her afternoon nap.

Some of our clients have no idea that our whole team currently consists of mothers (we don't hide it, it just doesn't come up). This hasn't been a conscious decision either. It's just the way things have turned out.

While chatting with our team on different occassions I've noticed that:

• We're all talented and ambitious women who held senior positions in reputable organisations before falling pregnant
• Despite trying, none of us could find a respectable position that would cater to our new lifestyle - only full time or occassional work was offered
• We all want a balanced lifestyle that ideally incorporates playgroup, swimming lessons and trips to the zoo alongside meetings, creative pitches and time in the office - and because of this, we get work done really effectively and efficiently
• When our kid is sick, we band as a team to get the work done. There's grace and emphathy. There's no guilt and the Client rarely knows the difference as the job gets done
• And we all make it work. Calls are conducted during nap times, writing is done at night or during naps, we're flexible for people to work from home or from the office when care can be arranged, as long as the work gets done, and manage it all via the great technology on hand - instant messager, conference calling, emailing, SMS.......

In 2004, the Australian Treasurer, Peter Costello made the memorable statement of: "If you can have children, you should have one for your husband and one for your wife and one for the country."

Yet this country doesn't really support mothers in the workforce, especially when it comes to basics like materity leave and child care. I recently spoke to a friend who was leaving full time work as a journalist to freelance from home as his wage literally paid for the child care bills.

And then there's the common mis-conception that, as a woman, your life (and career) is over once you have children. This used to annoy me to no-end when I was pregnant. Why should my life be over? If I want my life to be great after giving birth, then I will do everything in my power to make it so.

I understand the culture of traditional organisations doesn't cater to the modern 'stay-at-home career woman' yet I just don't understand why this is so. I know it takes trust, flexibility and imagination to make it work, but it's surely worth it as the current situation wastes so much talent, brains, skill and expertise.

In response to this, most of my girlfriends are becoming freelancers, commanding an hourly rate and in control of the jobs they take on and the hours they work. And it means we're attracting all these brilliant people to work with. We're pretty determined to make it work, not only to prove that we can, but also because we desperately want the best of both worlds - career AND motherhood.

I love days when all the kids are in the office. Sure they're a little more chaotic and we don't get as much 'solid' work done, but I love being able to hold Nic's young bella while brainstorming a campaign idea, playing ball with the boys inbetween tasks, comforting one child while his mother is on the phone and being able to share lunch all together. Life feels full on those days and intrinsically good.

I hope that despite the traditional workplace, more and more career-minded mums will band together like us to create a working arrangement that can tick all the boxes. And I hope we all become damn successful too.

Can anyone recommend some new blogs for this inspiration-hungry gal to read??

1. I am hopelessly addicted to the Gilmore Girls. The witty banter, the lovable characters and sugary sweet story lines... Susi got us onto the show, and when I write "us", yes, Luc shamelessly watches as well. Hugo even knows how to say "Rory". I hope it never ends. We've bought seasons 1-6 and are suffering from major withdrawals as season seven isn't available here yet. Nothing Amazon can't help...

2. Luc and I are thinking of relocating to London. We're pretty sick of Sydney and Luc can also make a respectable wage there as a contractor. We'd be much closer to his side of the family and the Scottish half of mine (and I guess the 'rest of the world'). I've always wanted to go to Scotland, perhaps to muster some kind of connection to that part of my heritage as I look so Asian. I feel that part of the world drawing us in.

We're thinking of either moving there permanently or seriously saving and coming back with enough funds to make a mortgage more managable here. The only thing holding me back is my business. Which I really do love. We're going to give our current life a year, during which we will do a lot of research, and if we're still over it by then we'll move. It will be an easier decision if my cousin D. decides to move there as well...

3. The young Wolf and I are officially night owls. It's 1.30am and we're still comfortably awake. Part of me feels very guilty (as we're waking up pretty late), but it's so much fun. Tonight we slow danced to Diana Krall, I taught him how to recognise the sound of different instruments (drums, piano, guitar, flute, etc), he brushed my hair while we watched tv, we made up pretend instruments in the kitchen, rubbed bellies and he told me that he loves me 'so much'. Tomorrow we're going to yum cha with Mum and Harry. Yum yum! And then we're meeting with another au-pair as Susi's leaving in three weeks.

4. Dad called me for my birthday. I missed the call, but on his message he said that he wanted to meet and talk through things. He's re-locating to Thailand in a few months and I know that I may never see him again but I can't bring myself to do it. And it bothers me how I don't feel bad about that.

Ok. Bed time...

It seems my hibernation has lasted more than just one afternoon and I cannot work today.

My senses are coocooned by outside's darkness and heavy rain. A light blanket is wrapped around me and I still feel fresh after my recent shower. Hugo is in the bath screaming "Noooooooooo! Nooooo!" while Susi washes his face. Luc is still at work. I have a hunk of beef baking with some winter vegetables in the oven, warm smells are wafting through the apartment.

There is no music. The tv is turned off. All I can hear is the downpour outside, the faithful drone of the oven and the chatter of my son and Susi (face washing now over). Perfection.

I'm tired of work so today has been good. Sometimes I buckle under the pressure of what to do when I have time off. Do I see a movie? Do I attempt the additional cleaning I alway "plan" (cupboards, toy boxes, pantry, fridge)? Do I catch up with friends? Spend that little extra time on those demanding clients?

I love the rain because it justifies my interior tendencies.

I'm almost hidden in the corner of our living room, surrounded by a mountain of toys and clean laundry, quiety typing. Tired.

The clouds outside are coloured grey and light peach and remind me of a particular hypercoloured t-shirt I lived in as a teen.

Hugo is playing with a variety of trucks on the stairs and Luc's downstairs installing a new sound system in my car. I'm usually in a dance class around now, stretching muscles here, pulling muscles there... but got my times regretably mixed up. I'm still in my dance clothes. Longingly.

Kian and Amelia came over earlier. Luc was out with Hugo and missed most of our conversation. We were all tired. Spirits low. The dark clouds outside reflected our individual moods, even though we weren't complaining.

Our house plans recently fell through. Business has been hard lately. And I'm finding it almost impossible to visualise myself happy and successful.

Luc and I went out for Penelope's birthday on Friday night. The dinner was delicious, but I spent a small portion of the night trying to explain to different people why Luc and I work well as a couple. Friday nights can be generally quite exhausting and we were a little tipsy, but Luc doesn't communicate well, especially with new people. He's ellusive, talks in riddles and short, closed sentences, can't be assed to explain things (like what he does for work) and unnecessarily contradicts lots of what I say. People expressed bewilderment at our union. It was disheartening.

We were supposed to go to a cocktail party held by a client of mine last night (Saturday), but I was almost relieved to discover Hugo had head lice moments before we were to leave. It meant I wouldn't see that side of Luc again.

Treating Hugo's head with medicated hair mousse, then picking and combing out the dead lice and eggs was one of the most disgusting things I've done, but better than dealing with another frustrating social engagement with my unsocial partner.

birds flying high
you know how i feel
sun in the sky
you know how i feel
reeds driftin' on by
you know how i feel
it's a new dawn
it's a new day
it's a new life
for me
and i'm feeling good (muse)

the notion of relishing each day is with me. it shimmies on my shoulders as i dance in class, whispers in my ear during discussions with my darling and is ever-present in my growing son as he starts to (woefully) say words the "proper" way.

luc is working from home today and susi has the day off so young wolf is in my domain. i love these days when the house is full of activity and other bodies. plates and coffee cups lazily lie on random tables, the tv is on and i can hear random expressions as they subconsciously escape luc's lips. chuckle. grunt. sighhhh. we make breakfast for lunch and stay in our pjs until strongly pursuaded otherwise. luc has moved his desk upstairs to our living area so he can work while we play. nicely nearby. hugo is navigating a small turquoise truck around his favourite, big fire engine (fire neh-nen in "hugo") and then runs to wee in his nearby potty and i internally burst with pride.

Sorry I haven't been in touch a lot lately. I think of some great things to write in this blog almost daily but the ideas never eventuate, billowing around my head until something else quickly consumes me.

Hugo's currently watching tv and Luc is on his way home after his weekly round robbin squash game. I have a business meeting in Bondi with a potential client in an hour. I'm still in my PJs. New business has exhausted us lately. Chloe and I have spent the last 6-8 weeks pitching for a phelthora of new accounts ontop of our current client list and there's still a way to go.

It was my birthday on Thursday. I turned 28. Luc took me to La Sala, which was perfect. The food was spectacular but we were both so tired from work that we almost fell asleep during our short cab ride home at 10pm. Our driver hooning down the wrong way of a one way street soon sorted that out.

Ok. Need to get ready now. Bleh.