The Contingency Plan

It's 8.30pm and I'm sitting here at work absolutely stressed. It's reached a stage where I've looked at my 'to do' list and it's growing tremendously and I don't know where to start. I think I've re-written it at least twice in the vain hope of clarity.

So here I am thinking this online verbal release will help me return to my work focused, but have just realised I sent an internal team 'to do' list for one of our clients accidentally to a journalist. Ok, time to quit work for the night... Lucky there was nothing incriminating in that message.

I have two days left here and it's become apparent they're not going to cope without me. It really concerns me as I'm part of a very robust team.

As you know, our account director left two weeks ago and our group account director is on holiday for two weeks, which means I've been heading up the team under the supervision of my managing director. The problem is, is that there won't be anyone senior on the team next week and everyone's stressed to the point of tears. They're good workers but understandably need some guidance, especially with the extra work load. And it sucks as I've really enjoyed being in a greater management role too.

I thought about working back another week or working from home next week but my MD won't let me as she knows I need to switch off, have some time alone and sort out my shit for Wolfie's arrival. And I'm not fighting her as I know she's right.

Damn. Hate being this stressed.

just called the hospital for my results and..................

I'M ALL CLEAR!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!

:)

sooooooooooo relieved.

Lucas and I have already been far too productive for a Saturday morning. We woke up at around 7.30am, cleaned the house, had some breakfast, a house inspection, resigned our lease, and here I am at 10.20am, already tired and ready for a nap. It's such a beautiful day that I feel it would be a waste of time to do so though.

I've been exhausted ever since my blood tests on Thursday. The blood suckers kept me there for three hours and I had to fast and have a blood test each hour. I'll find out the results early next week but have been trying to keep off the carbs and sugar just in case. It's hard.

Next week is my last week of work. I can't wait but know I'll miss lots of people there. My Group Account Director has gone to Vietnam for a holiday so my last week will be without her and I'm so much happier for it.

I can't wait to get the house really organised and ready for Wolf.

Oh, so tired, need to give into body and rest.....................

Face off

I still feel like I'm settling into this blog, even though it's been a few months.

I generally don't concern myself with the opinions of others, but for some reason your thoughts are a consideration. The online blogging world can remind me of high school where people have cliques - I know, you like me even more with that statement - and that also bothers me as it shouldn't be a consideration.

While reading Hot Toddy's humorous blog tonight (http://hot-toddy.blogspot.com/), I started thinking that perhaps this blog is missing a face and feels two-dimensional, but if you're reading this and think it's something else, tell me.....

I'm often told my face looks familiar. I don't know whether it's because I was pretty damn social in my younger years... nevertheless, the only famous people I've been compared to are obscure - the French queen from Braveheart, Isabella 2 from a Brad Pitt movie I can't remember the name of, and of course, Chanel from Australian Idol (yes, that's the one I pride myself on the most). As you can see, there's no correlation between the looks of any of these women, which means people are full of shit.

I smile a lot and have a big smile with big teeth. My teeth are pretty damn strong too. So strong they've chipped two of Lucas' teeth - what more could you ask for than teeth so strong they can eat other teeth? My lips are small but full and can obviously stretch to fit my big smile and big teeth.

I make a lot of eye contact with the people I speak with. My eyes are light brown, almond shaped and my only feature that looks Asian. I sometimes get annoyed when people think that I'm fully Asian. I don't know whether it's because I don't really fit into that culture or whether it's because Australia wasn't as multicultural when I was growing up so I always felt out of place, was occasionally teased and all the boys preferred girls with pretty blonde hair and blue eyes so it wasn't until I started university that I started to embrace my looks.

My nose is pretty average. If Wolfie's a girl I hope she gets my nose as Lucas has a pretty prominent one and I think guys get away with that more than girls can.

I have high cheekbones that stand out more when I'm my normal slimmer self. It's hard to find glasses that don't look ridiculous on me because of them. I think my cheeks are Lucas' favourite part of my face as he's forever kissing, squeezing and biting them - I pretend to be able to handle this only in moderate doses, but I actually love the affection.

If I could change one thing about my face it would be my skin. I suffered from acne when I was a late teen, which left some scaring. I dream of having flawless skin and have looked into cosmetic surgery a couple of times but have never been compelled enough. The need is nothing drastic, but a thought that always lingers. Cutting my hair short when I was around 19 was a big challenge as it left my skin exposed for people to scrutinize and gave me nothing to hide behind, which is why I had to do it.

I don't know how old my face looks. I still get asked for ID when I go out, so I guess things aren't that bad but when I look into the mirror I now see a tired person with a little sparkle left. Perhaps I'll wear some make up tomorrow.

I'm worried.

I've done some online research into gestational diabetes and hope to God I don't have it. I know my blood sugar levels were high, but I'm in my 34th week of pregnancy and you usually find this out around your 28th week. I hope the time delay hasn't caused any problems.

Part of me is really damn annoyed at the hospital as they sat on my results for two weeks before telling me anything. They were suppose to call but didn't. And the other half knows there's just no use as it won't change anything.

I'm worried about Wolfie's health and about my own health too. And from what I know, I'm eating all the foods I shouldn't (if I do have the condition), which makes me feel worse. I wish I already had the tests back so I could make some wise plans from there.

Too much of a good thing

I'd normally be thrilled by thought of a manditory carb and sugar rich diet, but a day and a half into one I feel gluggy, drained or buzzing like I'm on speed. Poor Wolfie will probably put on 10kgs over the next few days.

As part of the deal, I have to eat ten out of the following 13 options each day:

• 1 slice of bread
• 1 small bowl cereal
• 1/2 cup cooked porridge, rice or pasta
• 1 medium potato
• 2 plain or sweet biscuits
• 1 piece of fresh fruit
• 150mls fruit juice, soft drink or cordial
• 1/2 cup canned or stewed fruit
• 300mls milk
• 1 small serve jelly or custard
• 1 scoop icecream
• 3 tsp sugar or honey
• 1 slice cake

Help....

No. Two - Copy Cat Chanel

So after the ending of a long week, I allowed myself to sleep until just past 1.30pm and felt renewed from the rest. Lucas and I had our traditional Saturday morning brunch and while he went to the pub with friends, I rested some more and prepared myself for the big night ahead.

The whole company was on call to help with the pre-launch of a major new perfume bearing the name of the current queen of teen pop. Partnering with the biggest television and radio shows in Sydney, we held a party for just over 1,000 girls (and some boys) between the ages of 13 and 18. I wasn't bound to go, but there was no way I wanted to miss out on this event.

The venue was a teen dream. Complete with disco-lit floors, mirrored ceilings and plush pink and blue chillout dens, the three storey dance party was perfectly decked out and filmed live on television. It also featured a professional nail and makeup parlour, a roving magician, fortune teller, cartoonist, fake tatooist, fashion parades, special celebrity acts, major giveaways, candy boys with perfume samples, fairy floss, Krispy Kremes, picture booths and absolutely everything including all food and drinks were free so the girls could spend their money on pre-launch purchases of the fragrance.

And the party was crazy. The girls had all won their tickets through a variety of media competitions and were absolutely hyped. For this very reason, we each had a set role to try and control this hype, from checking partental conscent forms at the door to manning each section of the party to ensure everything was fun, safe and secure.

My initial role was disco door bitch, but changed at the last moment to involve chaperoning the Australian Idol guest we had appearing that night. A major teen girl heart throb, I spent the rest of the night eating, drinking and hanging out in the green room with him and the other celebs. It was such hard work.

But I must say that my guest was not only an absolute spunk, but possibly one of the nicest guys I've met. We got along extrodinarily well and effortlessly talked for the whole five hours we were together. I haven't connected with someone like that in a long time.

Even after he had made his appearance, he stayed and we hung out at the party. He then not only stayed around to help me and the team with the clean up (he took out a great load of trash), but then accompanied us to the pub for an after-event drink and stayed until the bitter end.

The night was also interesting as it gave me an ever so small insight into the life of a local celebrity. The poor man was absolutely mobbed wherever he went, but my true insight was experienced at the pub.

I've been told a number of times that I look like one of the girls on the show (Chanel) and we were discussing this (he disagrees) when I was tapped on the shoulder by a pretty blonde who had approached our table. She apologised for disturbing me and I instantly assumed she was wanting the Idol's attention. To my shock, she then continued to talk to me and asked for my autograph. The table started to softly giggle. I tried to explain that I was a 'normal person' but she was convinced, especially as she saw me with 'the another Idol' and had already called her brother, a huge fan, with promises of an autograph.

The whole table then errupted with uncontrollable laughter as I sat there, showing off my pregnant belly, trying to kindly convince this poor girl that I wasn't who she thought I was. The Idol was in hysterics as I tried to persuade the girl to have a real Idol's autograph and was met with total disinterest. By this point everyone encouraged me to just give up and sign the blank receipt tape. With the help of the Idol, I wrote a message for the girl's brother, "Hi Sam, thanks for your support, you rock, xChanel' and passed it over to the thrilled and thankful girl.

As the night progressed, the Idol then enjoyed himself by offering my picture along with his whenever fans approached. This lead to confirm further suspicious and influenced more people to think I am who I'm not so I'm afraid I'll never live this down and unfortunately have a new nickname... Chanel.

No. One

What a weekend. Jammed with stories, I wish I could sit you down and verbally explore each one. That way I could be forgiven for jumping from one to another.

I had planned to write a blog earlier last week with a detailed update on how my pregnancy is progressing, but had a fortnightly appointment on Friday and thought it logical to just wait until after that.

The midwives had teased me for being too boring in my last appointment so as I sat confidently in ward nine, reading my book club book, I was entertained with thoughts of what the last six weeks would be like (hasn't time really flown!).

I really enjoy these hospital visits. The widwives are warm and knowledgeable and Wolfie is developing nicely. It has a strong heartbeat, is still head down (getting ready to come out), very active and larger than usual.

Towards the end of my consultation, my widwife Kathy asked if I'd received a call from the hospital regarding my last gestational diabetes test. I hadn't but could see where this was heading. They only call if the results are positive and my tests had come back so.

The news was overwhelming. I was exhausted from work, a lack of sleep and emotional arguments with Lucas and had to control myself to prevent tears.

Kathy reassured me this wouldn't have a negative affect on Wolfie and that my system should revert back to normality after pregnancy.

So I'm currently on a special diet to test the intensity of the condition and depending on the results may need to continue on a sugar controlled diet and move from the normal midwives clinic to a high risk clinic for the birth. Depending on Wolfie's growth, I may also need to have an earlier caesarian. The hospital would then monitor little Wolf to see how it copes with its reduced sugar intake - I'm currently giving it loads, which explains its larger than normal size.

Shaken but determined to stay rational, I waited outside for Lucas to pick me up in the car we'd just bought. He missed the appointment to make sure we could have the car as soon as possible and was so proud. The car is ideal for our needs and he scored it for a great price, but was disappointed when I didn't share his enthusiasm, even after I'd updated him on my appointment. Again, it seemed like we were in parallel worlds trying unsuccessfully to reach.

That night after work, I picked Lucas and a friend up from the pub and after briefing hanging out, Lucas and I took a long drive up the coast to test out our new vehicle. The journey was long and dark and we both didn't feel like music so we spoke the whole way. I think the freedom and excitement of our first car in nearly three years calmed us, relieved some stress and helped to mend our earlier arguments.

One our way back home we took a detour to the city and stopped by Harry Cafe de Wheels for a classic hotdog to top the night off. The weather was in opposition to the recent heat so we sat in the car devouring our dogs. At the end of our meal, Lucas ran to the bin and bumped into a group of our friends, who were drunk and ecstatic about the car. They know how much we need and want one so we all sat in and and around it (we couldn't all fit) to share stories of our night. And as simple as it sounds, I think sharing that cheap meal and their excitement was just what I needed to provide some much needed hope, laughter and optimism.

The best part of today was calling New York in search of a famous fashion photographer to use for a client's new product launch. I couldn't find his agent's details anywhere and after explaining my situation to the gallery that sells his work, was abruptly told that he's been dead for two years.

Oops..

I think I'll just stick to technology.

It's Tuesday night and Lucas and I are beached on the couch watching the Monday night NFL game on cable. This is the primary reason we have cable, and tonight, the Packers are playing the Titans. I'm not a huge football fan, but am learning the players and the game and always root for the opposing team to Lucas to make it a little more interesting.

Tuesday night football has become a bit of a tradition now. And it's little traditions like these that I love... Like having a shower together and then meandering out for brunch on the weekends, going to the mall to wander through the games and electronic, homewares and clothing stores and then having vietnamese soup in one of the nearby Asian stores, watching 'Sex in the City' each Monday night, and visiting our favourite nearby restaurant, Lavender Blue, each 1-2 weeks for good dinner.

Well, the game's nearly over, the Titans are thrashing the Packers and it's still so warm (hence hard to sleep). Today was 35 degrees and tomorrow will be 37 - scary as it's still just spring.

I'd love to hear about your little traditions as well, if there's anyone out there....

xx

I took the day off work today. Although I had cramps and back pain in the morning, the main reason was tiredness and a lack of inspiration. I felt like I needed time to myself after the events of the weekend. I'm not going to do the same thing tomorrow though, as I'm just starting to feel back in control of my work.

Sunday with Dad and Lucas was better than I anticipated. We intially went to the Sydney Fish Markets, but didn't manage to leave the carpark after a run-in with some people there over a stupid car space. It was so petty. There was a miscommunication between Dad and the people in the car as they thought he was stealing their spot. Dad was already in the space but was going to move, but the other family were too busy getting out of their car, yelling and swearing at us to realise. So we didn't move. They then threatened to scratch Dad's (new) car so we decided to just leave. Dad's not the kind of person to take shit from anyone, but I knew we wouldn't be able to relax and we didn't want to cause a scene. This kind of behaviour is normal in the area I grew up in. I'm so happy I don't live there anymore.

So after all of that drama, we decided to take a 30 minute drive up the coast to one of the northern beaches. The drive was long and windy and I enjoyed the sun on my translucent skin. Lucas sat in the front with Dad and they talked cars and sports the whole way. I liked being quiet. We decided to visit one of the big pubs in the area and sat in the leafy beer garden by the water, eating fresh seafood and chips.

By this time I felt relieved Lucas wanted to come. He seems to bridge the gap between Dad and me and has more in common with him. Dad and I would've ended up discussing the family.

Dad has a love for boats so after our meal we took a short walk around the area. Dad stopped to chat to the locals and Lucas and I reflected on how we were feeling about our time with him. And I liked it because it wasn't perfect, but it was just enough for now.

Today I did some more reflecting on my own. I didn't sleep in and initially wanted to do some more cleaning, but spent the whole day rugged up on the couch in front of the telly instead.

'The Joy Luck Club' was showing and strongly reminded me of my relationship with my mother. It's hard to be the daughter of an Asian mother with a son. My sisters and I each have a stormy relationship with Mum. She's always compared us to others, we were raised to serve our father and brother, we were told to give back expensive gifts (even birthday presents) and obedience was key, which meant we could never argue with her or show emotion that would question her actions or make her loose face (like hurt or embarrassment). I'm the only one who's ever had the courage to stand up to her.

And now that I'm a five years into my relationship with Lucas, and after the events of the weekend, I've realised I'm now struggling to know my worth. I've become so dependent and needy and find it particularly relevent to Lucas. I keep having thoughts that I'm going to be a single mother. I used to be far more confident than this and it sucks because we have a wonderful relationship otherwise. I think my non-existant sex life with Lucas is affecting me too. I know I'm sexy woman, but am at a loss on how to get him out of his lack of drive now that I'm so pregnant. And I don't want to sound conceited, but I know that I look good pregnant. In fact, I hope I look this good once I've given birth. Even Jack said (in front of everyone last book club) that I look 'absolutely stunning' pregnant.

But I know this doesn't help my dilemma. Jack isn't even a consideration. I don't know what will right now, but I'm hoping these recent thoughts will help me reach a good path.

John Howard won the election yesterday. This will mark his fourth term in office, which is quite an achievement. He apparently won by quite a majority, which surprises me as I thought it would be a closer call.

And it's here my political interests end.

I have a confession to make.

I'm not enrolled to vote.

Voting isn't an option here, but if you haven't enrolled then you kinda get away with it as you're not on the electrol lists. I think I could get into a lot of trouble, which means I've avoided the issue.

I didn't think many of my friends possess strong political beliefs, but discovered quite a few do and were mortified when I told them where I stand.

I know I could take more of an interest, but I just think it's a load of bollocks and don't trust politicians.

Part of me does feel bad. Not a very big part though...

It's the end of my baby shower. The time is 9pm and I feel tired and nostaglic while Lucas and close friends drink wine and beers on the seawall.

I'd normally join them and feel excluded not to be out there, but I'm exhausted and am enjoying the time alone. So much has happened in the last 24 hours.

Ying. I had an abusive call from a client yesterday morning, which made me cry. Yang. The arrogant bastard called at the end of the day to apologise as he realised he was in the wrong. Ying. One of my colleagues whom I started with three years ago left the company. Yang. I felt in control of my accounts for the first time in months.

Even though the day was draining, I worked back late to avoid extra stress next week, but at around 8.30pm realised that Penelope and my mother had both pulled out of helping me with the party. Penelope had an emotional break up with her boyfriend and moved out on Thursday night, so I didn't expect her to drop everything and help me. My mother on the other hand, didn't want to let down some of her friends and wanted to see them beforehand.

I called Lucas stressed after creating a quick menu and a shopping list and asked him to come along and help me carry bags at the store. He was livid that I was left in this situation, tired and didn't want to help me. By this stage I was distraught and ended up have a huge arguement with him. He said most of my friends and family are unsupportive shits and if they're going to be like this, then I shouldn't at all bother doing anything for them. I can see his point, but knew I had 18 people coming over the next day and could never have a garden party that started at 1pm and not offer any food.

We were in the process of resolving our argument when mum called through on my mobile. She knew I was upset at her and said she'd bring plenty of food and drink to make up for it and then asked if anything else was wrong. Although I was a blubbering mess, I knew this was my chance to confront her.

So I started talking and the floodgates opened. For the first time I didn't consider her feelings above my own. I didn't insult her or say anything mean, but I didn't hold back in fear that she would cut me off.

I'm tired of her leading a double life with her new fiance. He doesn't know she has children, we don't know where she lives (and haven't for over two years), can't call her at home as she won't give us the number and only talks to us when she's at work. We're a second priority to her, yet she has the gall to accuse us of not providing enough morale support for her during her divorce to dad.

We ended up speaking for around an hour and half. She admitted to pushing Natasha, Andrew and I away as she was 'scared of us hurting her and decided we didn't need a mother anymore'.

And although we spoke for a while, the conversation ended ambigulously. She asked for more time to think about everything. Part of me is so disappointed as she's being saying this for years now and another thinks I've already lost her. But the yang to this is that I'm no longer festering.

I then came home waddling and puffy-eyed to Lucas and we stayed up for another two hours talking. Although it ended amicably, I have to admit part of me is still upset. I often get the impression that half of him isn't here with me. He's always consumed with his own thoughts and desires and I then become confused as I'm unsure whether it's just my pregnant emotions running into overtime.

Today woke up early, cleaned the house and made food for the baby shower. The party was warm and enjoyable and we received fantastic gifts, but I now have a kitchen full of dishes and leftovers. Everyone's left, Lucas went straight to bed and I feel depressed.

My dad also called and wants to have lunch tomorrow afternoon. I know he's making an effort and don't want to discourage it, but I'm feeling emotionally and physically empty. I know if I have one-on-one time with my dad, we'll end up talking through 'the issues' and I'm not sure whether I want to this weekend.

And I'm upset with Lucas because he's been of no help to me today. I know I hate asking for help, and although I do have lovely friends, I honestly thought I wouldn't have to ask this time.

Smoke and Mirrors

As part of the London internship at work, we were individually interviewed by, and had to present to a panel of three judges. They included a psychologist and two communication directors that work for some of the the largest and most successful companies in Australia.

The judges were briefed to be harsh. One of them was particularly arrogant and intimidating and would check his mobile phone messages, walk around the room, play with the display cabinets and stop and ask you questions while you were presenting. As you can see, the aim of the experience was to see how we each reacted under pressure, which I think is fair enough as they were offering a free, all expenses paid trip overseas to work with a great agency.

The room was also designed to be daunting: the judges were seated on a solid, wide table with a single chair in front of them in a very large and empty room.

After each person had presented, we were then put through a question and answer session. The questions had been carefully crafted by the management team and I was apparently asked the hardest questions out of the group (I was the last to appear before them).

One of the questions I was asked was whether it was ok to lie to the media. I answered that it's theoretically not ok to lie to the media, but that it's common to divert attention from an unwanted topic to another more desirable one. They then asked if I had lied to the media. I said that I hadn't, but that it was my job to portray my clients in a positive light so I had avoided answering certain questions by spinning them around to focus on something else.

I know it sounds like a fickle comparison, but on 'The Next Top Model' tonight, Tyra Banks was teaching her young disciples to cover their flaws to always make people think they're visually perfect. My first instinct was to think how purely draining this would be, but then it reminded me of the question I was asked during my interview and the similarities didn't seem so far apart.

Yes, I've been examining my line of work a lot lately. I'm unsure whether it's because the industry is so cut-throat and you have to literally watch every little thing you say or do and I don't know if I can be assed anymore, or whether it's because I'm so eager for a break.

On the contrary, there are many times I really get a buzz out of my job. I like how its creativity works in synergy with its strategy. I'm learning to come to grips with my competitiveness, working with very demanding clients who often don't understand what PR is, dealing with consistent negotiations and deadlines, and although I love the drive of working hard to achieve a tough goal, I often feel jaded and uninspired. Every client craves the big bang and wants you to do whatever it takes to get them that goal.

But within all of that smoke, glitter and corporate razzle dazzle, I feel like I'm loosing my edge and creativity.