The Contingency Plan

The notion of a rebound fling makes perfect, absolute sense to me lately. I understand these situations can become tricky and unfair, but I don't want another serious relationship. I'm after frivolty that makes me forget the pain and helps me move on.

I don't understand why this pain lingers. I find it all together bothersome. I look at Luc and I don't want to be with him. My heart has totally shut him out, yet I'm still utterly crushed by what he's done to me. It seems so very unfair.

Anyway, my freelancing work takes me to the center of the city four days a week so I've been leveraging my time and meeting up with friends for lunch or dinner, and today I realised that I've been on four non-dates in the past two weeks. Each situation is pretty innocent, but I admit that I've really looked forward to each one. The only reason why I even use the 'date' word is because of the undeniable chemistry of each situation. I've never been wrong when I've felt it like that in the past.

Each of the four different men are attractive, witty and very successful: one journalist, one actuary, one lawyer and furniture designer. One dinner, two lunches and one drink after work. Conversation flowed, eye contact was perfect and in each case, we ran well over the allocated time we made for meeting. Promises were made to meet more often.

But each of them are non-dates becauase there's no way I can date another journalist and the other three are new or very old friends that have girlfriends - two just started seeing someone and the last has returned to a rather confusing relationship. And there's absolutely no way I would knowingly be the "other woman" or date someone who could do that right now.

I feel myself bouncing from the notion of one person to the next. I know each small flame is a pure fantasy, but I don't care. I seem insatiable and curse the fact that I've felt something like this with four men who are unaccessible. But my heart has the answering playing and the excitment of one person fades into the face of another.

it's a gorgeous day here: glowing and kind with a cool breeze.

hugo is happily occupied with his trucks, creating fake garbage from scrunched pieces of paper to place in his miniature vehicles to dump. i adore his sound effects and quiet chatter but might distract him shortly to rescue my favourite necklace that's being transported from one vehicle to another.

if my break up with luc were to be experienced with steps, then i think i've reached the next level. we've settled our child support agreement, custody and the division of assets, hugo is used to him leaving at night and i prefer it when he's not around. there seems to be momentum and acceptance, even if it's still awfully painful.

luc seems to pay more attention to hugo now that we're separated. he comes over a few nights a week to be with him and they play, read books, talk - luc was always preoccupied when we were together, always tired from work. yesterday they spent the day outside and luc actually dressed him, brushed his teeth, washed his face and got his bag ready without complaint. it was a first. he never did this with me and although that makes me sad, i think we're all better off if the separation means more happy, quality time for hugo where he sees his dad actively doing things instead of just sitting at his computer.

isn't it strange how one person can affect your life so much? i feel like i've unhatched from an egg. i actually feel younger, even though my life isn't necessarily easier. i'm making new friends, loving my freelance work, i've lost a lot of weight and have gained a great deal of fitness. i did an intermediate/advance dance class yesterday and loved it. and, god bless him, was even hit on by a nineteen year old boy last week who was amazed that i had finished university. he figured out that i'm older than 23 this week when i told him that my longest relationship lasted seven years. cute.

i'm going away in september for three days with penelope and four other girlfriends to the country. we've hired out a couple of comfortable rooms, have already booked in treatments (massages, facials) and i cannot wait. we're all really looking forward to it. i can't remember the last time i went away and bonded with some girlfriends. penelope had to talk me into it and i'm glad that she did.

it's a dark and cloudy saturday afternoon and wolf and i are having a lazy day. we slept in and are still wearing our pajamas. luc called earlier to take him out but wolf isn't feeling very well (temperature, coughing) so it's better for him to stay at home.

today feels good as i think we're all moving forward now.

luc has unofficially moved out. he doesn't stay here anymore, perhaps one night a week, and is terribly uncomfortable whenever he's here. the atmosphere in the house is slowly lifting without luc here. there's conversation and laughter at night, we watch movies, make delicious dinners and wolf is used to sleeping with just me in the bed. he no longer asks where his dad is at night.

it occured to me today that i should start packing luc's stuff away boxes. his clutter is everywhere - clothes, shoes, bags, tech crap - i'm tired of looking at it and want to almost cleanse the house of him.

i'm starting to get used to the thought of him living with someone else. the thought of hugo being with the two of them still bothers me though. "bothers" is quite the understatement. hugo said her name the other day. i don't know how luc expects to keep his relationship under wraps when he does stupid stuff like this.

i've had a child support agreement drafted and have discussed the terms with luc. he seems fine with them so it's a matter of signing and submitting the papers to an agency that will monitor the payments. i hope to get this finalised during the week.

custody seems to be another issue though. there's no doubt hugo will live with me, but luc would like to have him every other weekend (which is fine) plus two nights a week. i'm not sure about the two nights a week for the following reasons:

* luc has never done a lot of every day things with hugo. he would always bitch and complain when i'd ask so i just did it myself to save the drama. he rarely bathed him, made him a meal or put him to sleep, he's incredibly impatient when dressing him and still puts nappies on him, even though he's potty trained. i worry about hugo being with him, though i understand it may be a good thing. nevertheless i'm suspicious of his intentions as he currently sees hugo around 1-2 times a week and if he'd really want to be a part of his everyday life he'd do it now.

* hugo slept in the same bed as me and luc. we all loved it. when i asked luc where hugo would sleep (when staying with him), he said "with me" and i know that really means "with us" and there's no way i want my son sleeping in the same bed as the other woman.

* i don't think it's healthy for hugo to come and go from one place to another so i thought i could suggest an arrangement where hugo stays with him for two nights during week one and then on the weekend for week two. this ensures hugo is with luc two days a week, regardless of our weekend arrangement.

so many changes are taking place. i managed to get through week one of working two jobs and am looking forward to next week. the extra work has been an absolute godsend and i relish the challenge of keeping it all together. i'll start looking for another place in around six week's time.

my current idea of bliss is wolf and i being settled in a great new place with a fantastic new aupair, hugo going to preschool a few days a week, me finding work to suit and us all shifting into a comfortable routine.

I absolutely adore Eveline Tarunadjaja's art on Lovepad. Love love love.

This is one of my favourites, called:


I've decided that once Wolf and I are in our new place, I'm going to treat myself to some of her stuff, sort of like a 'congrats' present.

I'm amazed at how some doors open while others close.

I started some really exciting freelance work today. I'll take about four days of my working week, which is quite convenient as my business is slowing down a little. I'm charging an hourly rate so this work will let me save the money I need to move out soon with Hugo. Being back in an agency is quite a relief. I adore the simplicity of turning up, doing my job and then going home, and love working on a big brand again. I've really missed it.

So, after quite an intensive first day in the office, I went to a loooong meeting with one of my own clients and then came home to Wolf and our really wonderful au-pair, who gave me notice that she's leaving. She can stay for the next month or until I find someone else (if I can manage to do that sooner). She's depressed and horribly homesick and I totally understand her position. Nevertheless, it sucks. She's the best au-pair we've had to date and it took such a long time to find her.

I think I screwed up our working relationship though. I ended up telling her about me and Luc and perhaps it was the wrong thing to do as the boundaries became too blurry. We get along so well so I started to see her as a friend who looks after Hugo while I work. I know she has her own issues (the whole world doesn't revolve around my separation) yet I can't help but think that my personal dramas made her decision to leave easier to make. She plans to return to Germany as soon as I secure a replacement.

Luc didn't come home for four days last week. He went to work on Wednesday and didn't come home until Sunday afternoon, and even then, he disappeared for around three hours at night. It's 10.30pm Monday night and I don't think he'll turn up again. I plan to finalise our child support agreement this week and then have him select definite days/nights when he's here. He cannot come and go as he pleases.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself tonight. I could easily revel in my recent turn of events, but my gut tells me that I have to power on through this. I have to gather all of determination, work hard, clench my jaw and do whatever it takes to get through this, preserving as much happiness for Hugo and me as possible.

Even though this is my blog, I'm sorry to be writing about this so much. I do talk about other things and I think I am (slowly) getting on with my life... I guess I need to vent as well.

Yesterday was Luc's birthday. It's been three days since he's been home. I know he's been out with his girl and their friends, celebrating. I know the other woman that he flew out here goes home today, disappointed. The audacity of this man to have three women in the same city within kilometres of each other! I know he's been using our son as the reason why he's not always with one or the other. It makes me so angry as Wolf hasn't seen his Dad in days. He woke up today asking for his Dad and started crying when he couldn't find him.

The realisation that he's a perpetual cheat and liar has eased my ego but has made me question how I could've spent the last seven years with this man. He's been my best friend. We're shared the same bed, have seen each other every day - we've had a child. Why didn't it click earlier? Was he always like this or has he just recently hit some kind of character low?

I've always thought there was some goodness to Luc but I wonder whether that was his way of hypnotising me into a false sense of security - or whether it was a way of creating one for himself.

I think my heart and home have been a safe-haven for him over the years. I've always trusted him. I've chosen him above others. I've put him before myself. I've truly loved him and have taken care of him.

There have been so many times when I've wanted to tell him that I know. I've wanted to kick him out, I've wanted to tell him to stay the fuck away from me. I've wanted to contact all of these women and tell them about each other and his real character. I've wanted to tell his mother. I've wanted to tell him how much he's crushed my insides and wasted my time but I've given him enough.

I'm staying for now as I need to establish a strong financial base and get my plans in order for me and Wolf before moving out. It would be stupid of me to go now as I wouldn't be able to support Hugo or myself. Although I'm getting legal agreements drawn up, I know that I cannot count on Luc once we're gone and never want to be financially dependent on a man again.

It's 5.26pm. The traffic noises outside are intensifying. Wolf is still sleeping and I plan to figure out dinner after this post. Our nanny is on the balcony, sitting under the apricot sky, happily chatting on the phone. This scene would be perfect if my heart weren't so heavy.

Last night I discovered that Luc has been partly living with the second girl for some time now. He's been dividing his time between our house and hers, lately spending far more time there than here, even nights. They plan to move in together once Wolf and I have moved on and have already been viewing places to live.

I suspected an affair between Luc and this woman four years ago and realise they may have been in contact this entire time. Who am I kidding. Of course they have been.

To avoid madness, I've been opening up a lot to friends, at times just sitting on the other end crying. I feel empty and despondent and like such a damn fool.

I know this may sound dramatic, but I just can't take anymore of this drama. In my sadness, a stronger side of me has come to light and I've set my plans. I hope to move out with Hugo in a couple of months, stay close to the city (so I don't have to travel far for work) and am starting to freelance my time out to the highest bidder. And I have a bidder.

Harry: I've been worried about Mum lately
Me: Oh really, what's up?
Harry: She's been really emotional and depressed. She calls me every day -
Me: - And the difference from normal behaviour would be....
Harry: I had to talk her out of setting up another massage parlour last week. She was ready to go overseas for the girls and started scouting places in Perth
Me: Oh shit
Harry: Exactly. She was going to tell us that she went back to Taiwan and just come back after a few months with a house deposit. She only decided against it because she knew we wouldn't approve.
Me: I see
Harry: I'm so glad she's opening the ice cream place instead

It's 11pm and I'm just recently home from my first dance performance in, oh, around seven years. The last two weeks have been consumed with dance classes and rehearsals. They have been a relief, channelling my anger and hurt, but now my body is exhausted. And even though the event was a success, sadness and a low vibrating depression billow through and around me.

I feel lost.

I don't know where I belong anymore. I'm making lots of new friends, but most of them are single and I don't feel like I belong in that category. I don't like spending time with Luc yet time apart is also hard. I can't bear to talk about my situation yet don't know what else to converse about (outside light and superficial speak). I don't know where I should look to live - near the city, friends and work or near my supportive, busy and rather unreliable family. I don't know whether I should continue with my business or find a job. I can't see myself in another relationship but desperately want someone to love me and hold me and prefer my company.

I want to be alone. I'm so tired. And I think I've discovered another person Luc's involved with, besides me and the other.