The Contingency Plan

Sorry for the lack of posts lately folks.

In the past week I've had another media launch, two more new business proposals to write, have been organising my sister's huge 21st birthday party (this Sat night), visited the hospital to have tests in preparation for day surgery, found out my uncle has cancer (Mum's last brother left after last year), went to a fabulous magazine party and then totally lost my voice.

It's been two days now and I'm sooooo creaky. And because I have a cough, no voice and am a little congested, day surgery that was supposed to happen tomorrow has been postponed. By a month.

Urgh.

Although I've already fasted for a day, I was happy I found out before drinking the 1.5 litres of laxatives required and fasting for another day.

I give up. I'm frustrated and keep on getting sick so I'm taking the rest of the week off.

I have trouble winding down. Obviously.

When Luc and I first moved in together, I was amazed at how his minor habits were the things bugged the crap out of me. Although the love was strong, we'd fly into absolute fits of rage over things like dirty dishes, whether to wash our clothes in actual colour groups or just in lights and darks, or the way he leaves his shoes and socks riiiight by the front door, etc.

Six years later and we still argue about shit and our top five 'let's argue about shit' list is:

1. How anal he is about his technical gear. We currently share a home office and it's not going smoothly, mainly because he stresses intensely about stupid, petty shit - like the order of his wires, me leaving a notebook and papers on the desk or God-forbid cup or five (which I would take away after I'm done looking after Hugo and making dinner after work each night). To me, these things aren't worth arguing over as they take two minutes to remedy but he makes such a big, dramatic deal about them - accusing me of being negligent and uncaring. And don't get me started on the 46 character encryption passwords we have to use to access our home network. Which are regularly changed. Which he won't share over the telephone or on messenger unless the messenger is encrypted. I seriously don't think the Government or hackers (or whatever they call them these days) would be interested in our shit. But being a network security specialist, he begs to differ.

2. He never proactively takes photos of me so most of the pictures I have with Hugo or of myself are those close-up, take photos of yourself at arms length kind

3. He loves to sing his own praises. Literally. He'll sing songs about how cool he is, which I know is meant to be funny, but seriously now. I much prefer derogatory humour. It's seems more humble.

4. He doesn't like doing housework so he'll talk me out of doing it so he won't feel guilty. It's silly. I know he doesn't like doing it and am fine with that. I don't ask him to do it but feel I should still be able to if it's what I want to do. And the crazy thing is that he guilts me out of doing it! So we sit there, watching mindless tv together or surfing online (both with laptops on the couch), while the clutter piles up

5. He complains about how cluttered the house is. It's seriously not cluttered, he's just anal (point one) and lazy (point four). It honestly drives me nuts. I don't think it's realistic to think you can always have a spotless house when you have a toddler with no one actively de-cluttering shit.

I feel bad griping about him like this. He really is a good guy, even though I've just driven him out of the house because he's driving me NUUUUUUUUTS today.

At least I now have time to tidy and de-clutter. Phew!

Growing up in Australia with most of my family overseas, it was hard for me to feel connected or related to someone. Plus there was the fact that my siblings and I look so different to everyone else. We don't look fully Asian and definitely not Scottish!

The first time I really felt the bond of blood was around five years ago when I first started emailing my Scottish cousin, let's call him John. Although the correspondance was electronic, there was a definite, palpable connection. We spent hours emailing stories (he's crammed around five lifetimes into his current 40 or so years), poetry, drawings, memories, descriptions of family members, etc. I absolutely revelled in his words, which I felt such an affinity with.

Leading the very busy lives that we do, John and I haven't been as consistently in touch over the last few years. I usually call him on those long nights that I can't sleep and this time we followed it up with a few emails too.

And oh how utterly heartwarming it has been.

I have poured out my essence, the distance providing some safety and comfort in the process.

And because he's so far away I also gave him the URL to this blog with a mixture of fear and excitment.

And this is part of what he wrote back:

---------

My favorite moments on the journey of your blog are.....

i've realised i can't rely on other people to show me there's still good in the world. so, i've been trying to show it to myself instead.

are we unrealistically looking for perfect jobs that don't have any challenges or downfalls?

Dark and folded, pinned into me as validation.

But I learnt from a young age that my family and I didn't fit in.

It happened so quickly. Life becoming death in a matter of moments.

It's usually during these silent scenes at night when I sit and remember who I am.

Come home, goof around in the silence and BAM!

So dear friends I've decided to plan something. Surprise him. Woo him. But my mind is blank. I have nothing.

--------

I know he's so busy but boy, his blog would be an absolutely fascinating read. Yes, much like mine.

In a typically extreme way, I've been pushing myself lately to keep going. Rest has been a challenge. It's 2.44am and I can't sleep.

This happens 2-3 times a year. I'll stay up until around 4am, wired for no good reason, emotional, at times sobbing and in the stillness waiting for sleep to seduce me.

These events never really coincide with a major event or outburst and yet they leave me feeling quite clear. It's like the darkness prevents me from focussing on anything but how I've been and I purge myself of this heaviness.

Dad called a couple weeks ago.

Yes, wow.

But it wasn't because of our recent encounter. No, it took a friend on the verge of bankruptcy and some very bad PR to do the trick.

I was surprised when I answered the call and heard his fumbling words. He mentioned some names, said someone had died in a workplace construction accident, two others had been seriously injured on two different occassions, the media caught onto the story, facts were apparently misconstrued and Dad had assured the guy of my help... 'the guy' being the man who owned the company, the one being blamed for the accidents, investigated by the unions and hounded by the press.

Okay...

After providing a lengthy explanation on why I couldn't help, he lied about 'just' receiving my messages, said he had 'blasted' Elizabeth for her actions, claimed he was too clumsy in these situations and expected that to do the trick.

I made sure I told him how disappointed I was because of his actions and how they made me feel. He said he was going to make Elizabeth write me a letter of apology, but I know I'll never get the note. It's bullshit, but I said for good measure that she wasn't welcome again to our house.

So a couple of weeks have passed and I received a call from Dad yesterday asking to speak to Luc. Luc and Dad get along really well because they both love cars and similar sports so that's all they talk about. Dad and I however, have next to nothing in common.

Luc and I were on the way out at the time and Dad mentioned he had apparently arranged for Luc to fix the computer of one of his 'friends'. I was instantly sceptical and found out the 'friend' was Elizabeth, so I buntly said that weren't going to help. The cheeky bastard knew that Elizabeth coming over was a bad idea so he wanted to drop off her computer so Luc could fix it and then take it home to her.

Hello?!?!?!?

So I called him back and told him not to bother coming over if that's the only reason why. His answer was that he also wanted to hang out with Luc. Not me or Hugo, Luc.

My father has no fucking clue about anything. My rage is slowing turning into bitter pity. And don't get me started on the argument Luc and I had about him sticking up for me in these situations... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I was just reading through my Top 100 when I realised a few things have changed....

9. After a shower, I always moisturize - I try, but don't always have the time now. Since having Hugo I've managed to reduce my 'getting ready' time to just 15 mins and yes, this includes having a shower, brushing my teeth, doing my hair, getting dressed and perhaps slapping on some makeup

11. I'm 25 and disheartened - I'm 27 now and tired but hopeful

18. Reading is one of my favourite pastimes - I didn't finish a single book last year and have only read one this year

23. I'm comfortable being naked - Having a baby changed this a little, I'm still getting used to the stretch marks

27. I love going out for brunch
28. I like my eggs poached or scrambled
29. I have a weakness for sleeping in

... reads the last three, drools and dreams....

47. I like playing video games, RPGs in particular - don't play video games anymore. Perhaps I'm over that phase, shrug.

64. I don't find cleaning enjoyable. I wish I had a maid - A weekly cleaner and an au-pair with "light housework duties" will cover that off, tick!

74. I've never been in hospital
75. I've never had stitches - Hugo changed all of that

Wow, all of those changes were due to Hugo, my blonde haired boy who currently loves to lick my face (laughing hysterically the whole time), feed me his half eaten, half sucked food, watch buses and trucks zoooom by, read books, smile/stare at pretty girls, and kiss, wave and shake hands with anyone leaving.

He says 'no' with a really strong Aussie twang.

I'm sick AGAIN!!!! Fucking hell. It's a cold this time. I'm so frustrated and unimpressed.

I've been thinking it for a while, have resisted the need so far .... but fuck it.

I think you guys rock.

There are some really fantastic blogs out there that cop a lot of undue flack from its readers, but I feel so lucky to have a fascinating, kind, funny and friendly bunch. I like you all so. much.

xx

I've become cynical. I lately loathe any kind of "you can do anything" hype that's so prevalent in today's society. Television seems to be full of this rhetoric, kids shows in particular.

I've been trying to figure out why this grates on me so much. Raised in a very penticostal church (Hillsong anyone?), I was conditioned from a very early age to believe that I can change the world, can really 'leave my mark' on the globe, am destined for greatness and can achieve great things. The definitions of 'changing the world' or 'greatness' were never outlined, but being young this had everything to do with something huge and very distant from every day life.

My every day life has been something I've considered in great detail lately. My ten year high school reunion is this year (and may have already passed) and although I don't keep in touch with anyone and have no desire to attend, I still can't help but think of the bullet points that would be on repeat. I mean isn't the purpose of such reunions to swap basic (career/kids) information, comment on how everyone looks and go home hopefully feeling so accomplished in comparison to everyone else?

These would be my bullet points:

1. I own a pretty successful PR agency with a business partner after working for one of the country's best/largest agencies for years (Chloe and I recently met with our accountant/financial planner who was very encouraged by our first-year progress)

2. I've been in a relationship with Luc for seven years this year and we have an 18 month old son. We're not married, don't want to hurry it and have no plans in the next 6-8 months of having more kids either

3. I've travelled throughout Asia (Bali, Philliphines, Thailand, Japan, Taiwan) and Canada in between a hectic work schedule and plan on much much more

4. I'm about 15kgs heavier. I'm sure this would be a delight for some as I was voted as having one of the top 5 bodies throughout high school - don't we all love to see people "let go"!?

5. I don't keep in touch with anyone, live within a few kilometres from the city, don't own the house we live in but plan on buying something in the next couple of years

I'm quite happy with these developments in writing but if I were to be honest, I'm still searching for that extra something. I can't help but wonder whether that's because I subconsciously believe I haven't reached my 'greatness' yet. It seems so silly but may be the case.

As a teen I heard almost every week that I was 'destined for greatness', 'had a higher purpose' in life and 'could change the world'. Over and over these catch phrases were drilled into mind to the point where helping my mother with housework or proactively being nice to my little sister was such a drag because I had world changing to do, conferences to attend, strangers to 'save'. Yes, I'm obviously very far away from that now.

Although I don't like inspirational quotes as much as I did when I was younger, Gordan once gave me a card with the following quote on a magnet, I love it because it helps to keep me grounded:

"To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch... to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!" - Emerson.

I understand we tell children that they can do anything to instill a sense of drive and self esteem, but somehow I wonder whether this dilutes the greatness of everyday life.

And the thing I keep thinking about is this: Is teaching our kids to think they're omipotent actually healthy?

Will they overlook the wonderful things they can do in their circle of friends, local community and family because their dreams involve so much greatness?

The rain is still torrential here in Sydney and has been for over a week now. Luc and Hugo are cuddled in bed watching a movie. They're beckoning me to join but I feel compelled to blog.

We had another media event this week. The rain was heavy, there was another event on that afternoon (held by a major major beauty company) and we were the new kids on the block. I had a staff of 20, caterers with mouth-watering canapes, very cute mixologists ('bardender' is so 1900s) and fear that no one would come. So many had already cancelled.

But no, the hire cars kept coming and in came a full house. My client is ecstatic, we bonded sooo well with the media and the client responded with beautiful flowers and a free two hour treatment. I'm so happy.

I'm having trouble concentrating tonight. I hope these sentences flow.

I almost regret blogging about the marriage stuff. Some days I really love the idea and other times I cringe at the thought. I don't want to come across as a woman desperate to get hitched, pressuring her boyfriend with dreams of being a princess, plans already picked out. I'm really not like that. The thought of being a princess for 'my day' makes me want to barf. Sometimes I just want it over with already so our families can get over it and focus on something else.

I was chatting to Luc's Mom last week and she was complaining about why Luc hasn't asked me yet. She thinks it's well overdue and told me her current life mission was to get us married and get Hugo Christened. Okay...

Thank God we live in Australia.

Anyhow, I've tried finishing this entry on four different occassions and it's never going to happen so I'll leave it 'to be continued'....

I think I must have really hurt or offended someone as the past weekend has just been horrendous. Karma? Coincidence? I don't know...

As you all know, I fell down some stairs on Friday night in the rain, grazing both knees and deeply cutting my left shin.

Saturday afternoon Rachel, our au-pair told me that she's not leaving in September but actually at the beginning of July, yes four weeks away, so she can go travelling around the country. Have I previously mentioned she was originally leaving in December?

Then on Saturday night I had food poisoning and spent the next 24 hours nausiated, vomitting, with diahorreah, the lot - it was so bad that I couldn't drink anything for over 12 hours as I would just throw it back up. It's been nearly 48 hours and all I've eaten is two pieces of toast, two plain rice cakes and five mouthfulls of porridge. Yay for my waist line.

Thankfully I'm feeling much better today. Strong enough to reach the computer, continue work and have a third of the media expected to a launch this week cancel... because of the RAIN.

Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh~!~

i've had lots of things to blog about lately but feel this blog has run out of juice. bleh blah blah.

so yeah, there's lots of news.

we're planning two major holidays, one next year (taiwan and canada) and one the year after (croatia and italy)... may be getting married... in canada... next february... i have a major launch next week and so much to do!!... i've started knitting again and have finished two scarves in as many weeks oh and i fell down the stairs last night... stone steps... outside in the rain... it hurts so. damn. much... i've grazed both knees and have two deep gashes in my left shin.... dad came over this morning... he's car shopping with luc... there's too much to update you on that front...

ok time to continue knitting.

but before i go, how are you doing??