The Contingency Plan

happiness is:
hugo smiling at me. it fills me with an overwhelming sense of joy as i fundamentally make him glad. it's simple: seeing me makes him happy. similar thoughts arise when he laughs too. to him, i'm damn funny.

what annoys me:
tom cruise. i've never liked him but find him simply unbearable now. he's so condescending, so plastic, so bleh. according to cruise you're arrogant if you don't believe in aliens, ignorant if you believe in psychiatry, like Brooke Sheilds said, please stick to saving the world in your movies.

on tonight's menu:
leek, potato and bacon soup with crusty hot bread. yum!

tomorrow's schedule:
avoiding my guilt and our house cleaners in the morning, lunch with jamie, a new book club friend, and then dinner and business talks with Drew... fun!

For the first time in nearly five years I'm menstruating. Were the last two weeks 1825 day's worth of PMS?? Cruel.
I hate what hormones do to a somewhat rational woman.
I've otherwise kept myself busy, a little too busy and feel quite fine again.
That is, until I ironically received a three page essay from my MD on the beauty of double spacing after a period. Sure, I can see how it makes a sentence breath but can't see it working in an industry already challenged to make everything fit onto a page (journalists have short attention spans and I don't blame them).
*sigh*
I visited the HR director last week and after two hours of talk... left things in the air. It was quite perfect. I spat out my grievances, didn't cry, divulged where I'm heading and what I could offer and was relieved to find they still value me.
Unfortunately, our MD doesn't want anything but full time workers so the only way I can return is if I freelance. For a company totally run by women, I'm consistently in awe at the lack of support mothers receive.
I'm unsure whether I would actually take on any projects but am happy I at least have the power to decide what I do and don't want to work on.

I quickly glanced in my rear view mirror. Big translucent tears were twisting down her prominent brown cheeks. I stopped the car then turned right.

“It was hard for me,” she said. “The children I given my life for abandoned me. I don know why you went to your father.’

She paused.

“I needed you. I fel lost and humiliated.”

I sighed and slowed the car down for a red light. “He deceived me Mum. I didn’t side with anyone. I was overwhelmed; it was hard for me to deal with it all.”

I paused.

“You moved overseas without letting anyone know,” I said. “I would never do that to you but you didn’t even speak to me about it, you just left.”

“I’ve never gotten over it. The pain was too much,” she said, crying.

She paused.

“Tha’s why I won let you kids totally into my life now; I’m scared you do it again.”

“I’m sorry Mum. That’s not the way it was. The separation was hard on us too you know, especially when you left.”

“You’re a mother now so you can imagine if Hugo did that to you. I don know how to get over it.”

I pulled into my driveway and she kept talking.

My mother is engaged to a man I’ve never met. I don’t know where she lives and haven’t for nearly three years now. He knows there is a Kazumi, a Lucas and a Hugo but think we’re her friends instead of her family. We don’t have her home phone number and can only call her at work. She doesn’t feel she can tell him now as it may ruin their relationship as he may think she’s just after his multi-millions.

Sometimes I think back to the night it all happened. Harry and Natasha were staying with friends and Mum had caught Dad on the phone with Judy. The conversation was intimate. They mocked her, Dad asked whether she had received the money he’d sent for her children and they spoke about when they would see each other again. The affair had been going on for nearly 15 years; though the kids were not his. She was married but got a divorce after her husband learnt of the affair.

I found out when Dad came over. Luc and I were lounging at home when he rang the doorbell.

“She’s gone crazy again. She’s calling for you,” he said. His words were curt and his Scottish accent stronger as he was both upset and angry.

“What’s happened?” I asked.

“Let’s go outside.”

And in the park across from our apartment, while a group of men played a light- hearted game of football, Dad told me that he had had an affair with Judy when I was around seven years old. Mum could never reach past it. That was the only affair and it ended shortly after it began. He’d asked Mum for forgiveness.

I knew Judy well. Mum had taken her into our house when she was broke and unemployed. She lived with us for a few years until she could afford a place of her own. Mum helped Judy find work, introduced her to her husband and I was the flower girl at their wedding.

Dad and I drove silently to their new house. When I entered I found all the furniture had been beaten. All the family’s antique Asian vases and decorations were smashed and some of the windows too. I found her hysterical in the kitchen, crying and holding onto a metal bar stool. She had earlier hit the stool over my father just before he had left to come to get me.

I approached her like I would an injured wild animal, slowly and with caution, trying to soothe her with words of reassurance. This wasn’t the first time I’d seen her like this.

I spend the next eight hours counseling them. This is why they’d wanted me over. Nothing was held back. It was a role I loathed but was too familiar with. I tried to stay objective. I hadn’t smoked in two years but consumed a whole packet that night.

The next week was filled with further torment. Mum was hiding knives in Dad’s pillows, she refused to eat or sleep and wandered the house muttering in English and Mandarin, words that terrified my father. He admitted to 25 years of infidelity and said he couldn’t promise anything for the future, though I didn’t discover this for another six months. Many of the women were her ‘friends’, but others were strangers or waitresses in his favourite café, the one he took both Mum and I to often. These women served us coffee.

Mum moved back home with live with my Aunty overseas shortly afterwards. She stayed there for six months and we found out after she had left. Dad had told us it was for the best as she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I later found out he’d tried to send her to a mental facility, somewhere she definitely doesn’t belong.

Dad’s now engaged to a woman a few years older than me and over half of his age. Nevertheless we hear about the other women he’s also dating.

We rarely talk about it all but when we do it ends in tears and months of silence.

At times the hurt binds me. I sit for days reading blogs and looking for random items on ebay, searching for satisfaction in empty environments. I don’t care if Luc is exhausted with work; I want to replace my sorrow with sex. I want him to lie on me so I’m covered with something else. But it attacks me when I’m weak and in my sleep it taunts me with the lies and repeated rejections. So I stay awake, attached and soothed by the smell of my sleeping son by my side.

Over instant messenger today:

Kazumi says:
Hey bear, do you think I'm a nice person?
Lucas says:
you're the besst bear (shut up about the nicknames)
Lucas says:
why do you ask
Kazumi says:
well because mum was telling me stories of when i was young and i was a dog!
Lucas says:
huh?
Kazumi says:
if i didn't like our visitors, i'd tell harry and natasha not to play with them and they wouldn't. our visitors would stay with their parents, sad, rejected and complaining about me
Kazumi says:
bitch!
Lucas says:
hm.
Lucas says:
well there have been instances where i've been too scared to bring people over as you either not liked them or i thought you might not like them.. hmmm
Kazumi says:
are you serious?? the question was rhetorical. you know, fishing for compliments about my greatness, beauty, charm, etc.
Lucas says:
maybe it was the timing you know. most times you're accomdating..
Kazumi says:
most times... who are these people? why did you not think i would like them? yikes!
Lucas says:
well remember allan.. he use to stop by from time to time and i know he's a bit over the top but its all harmless in my opinion.. i just disregard some of his traits.. i just got the impression that you didn't like him all that much so i just stopped inviting him around.. i didn't tell you before but i suppose it doesn't matter now
Kazumi says:
fucking hell, that's horrible! is this fat allan you're talking about?
Lucas says:
yeah
Lucas says:
allan montagnami
Lucas says:
he's a good guy but he does get annoying sometimes.. still, i just disregard the annoying bits and tell him to shut up. anyway, i wouldn't worry about it bear.. i just felt a bit scared to bring him around tht's all
Kazumi says:
scared? that's horrible!
Lucas says:
haha
Lucas says:
you're not a bitch
Kazumi says:
i'm a total bitch
Lucas says:
nooo. it could be just the timing you know. last time he stopped by we were fighting and he dropped by with his suitcases to stay with us without any warning and he couldn't have picked a worse time
Kazumi says:
oh, i didn't mind.
Kazumi says:
so did you stop contacting allan because of me?
Lucas says:
i'm just saying that i'm weary sometimes to bring/invite people around as you have exploded before when i did.. and i felt bad.. and i couldn't tell them or you.. its weird
Kazumi says:
when i have i done that? i only remember i was never impressed when you used to invite all your friends round for dinner, and i'd have to cook without any notice and the house was messy and i'd made other plans
Lucas says:
well i haven't felt like this lately.. it must have been from before
Kazumi says:
well i'm sorry about that bear, i had no idea
Lucas says:
well i'm not sure if an apology is even neccessary... it could have been just my perception of things.. i don't know. it could be that i'm so easy going that i let it slide.. i don't know... its no biggie bear. i haven't felt like this for a while like i said..
Kazumi says:
i still feel horrible you even remember things that way
Lucas says:
oh its ok bear. i'm not at all upset at you or anything like that
Lucas says:
and for the record you're not a bitch... but how about some lunch to make up for it. bacon, eggs and mushrooms are looking good...

It started as a genuine attempt. I’d call Dylan but after a few tries, knew he was never there. So I began to ring weekly, just to check, knowing I’d get his answering machine but never leaving a word.

And I’d keep trying, only to forget about him for another week, distracted with other friends and efforts until something reminded me of him again. And this secret binge habit survived for weeks.

Then the unthinkable occurred.

“Hello?”

“Hey! It’s Umi, how are you?”

“Shit, how are ya? Fuck, is that your kid I can hear in the background?”

“Yeah, he’s playing with his toys. So how have you been?”

“That's fucking trippy. I'm ok. Hanging with Mum, my brother kicked me out of his place. Fuck. It’s cool now though. I desperately need a job. I thought you were someone else. I’m waiting for a job to call me back.”

“Oh cool. What kinda job? Shall I let you go?” I asked.

“Nah, it’s cool. A shit job, anything. I don’t care. I haven’t worked for a year but now I have to. It sucks. I fucking hate work.”

“So how on earth did you live without a working?” I asked, amazed.

“Very fucking well. I hate all this shit about work. It’s bullshit. I’m going to try to just do three days a week.”

“Cool,” I said.

Our conversation continued for about another few minutes and then we hung up so he could wait for his call.

I didn’t gain any closure from the conversation but remember feeling we perhaps we don’t connect as well as we used to. Different places in life? Varying values maybe?

No matter what it was, I still fondly think of Dylan but I haven’t called him since, candidly or secretly.

Well I didn't go into work for my meeting yesterday and instead played the child while Mum cooked me soup, cleaned my house and played with Hugo.

Love. her. so. much.

I could barely talk and felt completely exhausted so I re-scheduled the meeting for next week.

I've been attacked by the snot monsters and have a cold/flu again. I write 'cold/flu' as I don't quite know which one it is. Can you have both? I'm almost as bad as a stereotypical male and hardly ever visit my doctor so yep, no sympathy for me. I tend to believe some good rest, vitamins and plenty of liquids will do the trick. We're into our third day now.

So all this extra down time has given me even more time to think about work stuff, especially as I have a meeting there tomorrow to "discuss my next steps".

As Frank can imagine, I've completed a thorough list of pros and cons, have detailed what I can offer and what I want in return and have determined NOT to get emotional during the meeting but treat it purely as a business negotiation. If they can't give me what I want or don't like what I have to offer, I'll be happy to leave but never, during any of this will I cry * must. not. cry*

I find it ironic that as a PR agency of women we can convince a hard-hitting journalist to run a client's 'newsworthy' story (not an easy task) yet feel uncomfortable to negotiate a pay rise or decent maternity leave. We need weeks of encouragement, a meticulously planned outfit, a portfolio of achievements, key messages - it's like we have trouble with wanting our worth. We don't want to cause a stir or make anyone else feel uncomfortable. We don't want to be rejected or told we're worth less than we think. It's not straight-forward. The office is seeping with silent politics encompassing even what cup you use, where you buy your lunch, where you sit, what kind of car you drive, when you leave the office and how you wear your hair. Organised social events are a nightmare as careful seating arrangements have to be considered. People loathe others yet never is there a confrontation. Part of me doesn't want to return but I figure two days a week is nothing to cry over. There will always be something no matter where you are.

Concluding what I want has been a major break-through. I've recently had dreams where my MD fights for me to stay only to change her mind and act indifferent and happy to see me go. I was so confused, even in my sleep. So much of me wanted to stick it to them for all my gripes and for the new challenges I've craving, but another part doesn't want too much responsibility and likes the easy money. I fundamentally like the company and its amazing client list so I'm hoping to strike at a win-win situation.

Realising what I want now can be difficult as I want to marry it with whatever's best for Hugo first. Sometimes I'm still spun out with his existance, though I'm sure lots of mothers get like that.

On an up-note though, I contacted my old VC investor last week and was encouraged at how happy he was to hear from me and how he instantly cleared time in his schedule to catch up. It's been years. Although it's a purely social gathering, I'm really looking forward to seeing him and hearing about his business as it's really booming.

Anyhow, it's 2am now and I'm getting that itchy throat/hard to breathe thing now so I best get some sleep and maybe see a doctor tomorrow...

Today Hugo, Lucas and I went to the wedding of Penelope's mother. It was the first time we've been out to a formal-ish event together and I think we scrubbed up pretty damn well!

My two boys

Lucas looks so damn handsome!

The ceremony was held at The Quay in the International Passenger Terminal at Circular Quay over looking the Opera House and Harbour Bridge. The mirrored ceilings made for some beautiful photos

The happy couple

Signing of the registry

Pen with Hugo after the ceremony

Penelope and her brother looked stunning together

I didn't realise how tired I was last night until I sat down at the book club meeting. After driving out west to visit Mum and Alannah, Hugo and I returned home where I quickly tidied the house, made dinner, fed Hugo, put him to bed and expressed some milk before Isabella picked me up.

It was my first proper night there since Hugo's birth and the usuals were present - Isabella, Jeremy, Jack and Duncan with two new faces as well.

The group was in fine form and shared plenty of interesting conversation but I found it a little difficult. It was the first time I've been involved in a setting that hasn't entirely focused on babies (I deliberately didn't take Hugo for that very reason) and it made me aware of how much my thoughts and energy evolve around him. Sometimes I think it's no wonder mother's get 'baby brain' as they spend so much of their concentration on their baby's health and wellbeing, sleeping patterns, pooing patterns, eating schedule, structured play time, development and growth that there's little space left for anything else.

Nevertheless, I was enjoying myself and catching up with everyone when that annoying thing started. They started talking about books. I know, I know it's a book club but it wasn't just talk about the books we read, but about books in general... only in a really wanky sort of way.

Someone would literally spout a title or author in some kind of context and someone else would say, 'oh, you mean that author who wrote this other book?' and the intial person would say, 'yes, that's the one' or 'I never realise he/she wrote that too' and the second person would reply with a comment like 'great writer, I never read his/her first book but the subsequent ones were sublime and I also highly recommend their essays' and on and on it would go and I just find it boring because it doesn't tell me about the brilliance/horror of the book or author, what the reader learnt, enjoyed or hated or any opinions about the subject matter in the book; they're basically jerking each other off about what they've read and who they know of.

So I started to think why I really go to these nights. This is one of the rare moments I have to myself so it needs to be good and frankly, I would've preferred to have gone to the arthouse theatre next door to watch a movie. I desperately need some inspiration but think I'll still go as it challenges me to keep reading and mix with people other than mothers (even though they're nearly all lawyers).

A lot of my recent contemplations have evolved around being challenged out of my comfort zone. I've been entertaining the thought of work again as I miss it and have the capacity now, but with those thoughts emotions of anger and frustration towards my current employer have resurfaced.

I need something new, I've encouraged Chloe to do it (she did) and have booked the meeting to say it, but have doubts about resigning simply because it's comfortable and easy money. But it also feels self depreciating and their lack of consistency is infuriating.

Luc doesn't think they'll easily let me go but I think they will. I tried my email address today and it bounced back. So much for maternity leave.

This entry has taken me forever to complete. Some of these people I don’t often write about but are the closest to me and I hope this will help those passing through or forgetful (like me) know who the hell I’m talking about.

My plan is to create helpful links for everyone too, but it’s baby steps for now…

------------------

Lucas: We met in a Yahoo chat room. Our first conversation was six years ago and lasted for eight hours. I was there to rest my mind while studying for university exams and although he lived in Canada at the time, he left his job, his family and friends after nine months of correspondence to see me. He hasn't been back since. Like most long-term relationships we’ve experienced a good share of bad and good seasons and seemed to have entered a rather blissed out one following the birth of our son Hugo.

Random: Lucas is a half Croatian, half Italian Canadian citizen who whose jobs have included bungy-jump instructor, Armani retail sales exec and lastly an IT security network engineer. He squeezes his face when excited or surprised and has size 13 flat feet, almost double the size of mine.

Hugo: Born in November 2004, Hugo has almond-shaped blue eyes, olive skin and brown hair that stands in a mohawk. Perfect. He loves having his cheeks and feet kissed, bath times, early mornings watching his DVDs and twisting his thumb into things (skins, couch, toys, etc.).

He also adores walks in his pram. We usually go for 40-60 minutes and he stays completely silent the whole time, which to me is worth the exercise. We stop to feel and smell flowers, leaves and trees and even then he remains quiet.

Mum: Slightly mad and rather eccentric, she looks like my sister with cheek bones so large they almost look unreal. My relationship with her really flourished when I became a mother, possibly because I now have a better understanding of her experiences. We talk almost every day and see each other at least once a week.

Mum and I used to bond through a love of shopping. Throughout high school she would often get me out of class so we could go and see/buy what was new in store. She’s still an addict.

Dad: When I was a child I thought my father was the tallest man in the world. We were quite close growing up and shared a similar sense of humour and taste in music (gospel, soul and jazz). Over the past five years our relationship has unfortunately withered to the effect that we no longer see or speak to each other. He longer speaks to Harry either so Natasha’s his only link.

Dad’s always loved boats and has subscribed to the publication Unique Boats for as long as I can remember. He bought one when I was around 14; a 16 foot shark-cat that Mum was terrified of as she can’t swim. Dad would often get upset as she wouldn’t go out with him in it and bitterly sold it after a few years.

Harry: When we were kids, my younger brother Harry would do whatever I told him to. We played dolls, he was my assistant on the pretend cooking show I had and would wear my small clothes before my homophobic father rebuked me as dressing him up would “turn him gay”. This confused me as gay just meant happy. Now Harry’s my 6’3 tall brother who confuses everyone with his strong build, jet black curls and Asian eyes.

Random: Harry was a talented pianist and singer in primary school and always held the lead role in any musical production. When Rodgers & Hammerstein’s King and I came to Australia he was offered the role as one of the King’s children but my father never allowed him to accept it as the world of theatre would “turn him gay”. Harry never performed after that.

Natasha: Natasha’s the baby of the family and despite entering her 20s this year is still a little vague at the best of times. She recently caused a four-car accident on a major Sydney road during peak hour and no one was surprised. She dreams of working in the music industry, which frightens my parents as she’s extremely naïve and perhaps just a little lazy.

The only one in my family to obsessively follow celebrities, Tash was a major fan of the Spice Girls and boy-band Hanson in her early teens. You can imagine my surprise when, despite being unemployed, she managed to attend both Hanson concerts last week and meet the band afterwards. She’s still part of their fan club.

Penelope: We first met in kindergarten at the age of four and were inseparable until the age of 16. Our birthdays are eight days apart, we lived two streets away from each other and everyone thought we were sisters. We apparently look the same (Pen’s half Caucasian, a quarter Fijian and a quarter Chinese). Although she didn’t finish high school, Pen has a very successful career as a fashion buyer and was the first person besides Lucas to know I was pregnant. We still get the sister thing.

I have so many fond memories with Pen… the way our brothers would put on shows for us when we were in primary school, how we would practice walking in our mother’s pumps in her bedroom when we were around 10, the combined birthday party we had at my place at 13, the way she would camp out at my place whenever she fought with her parents, the argument we had over a boy we both ‘loved’ at 16 (he was a twin and we inconveniently liked the same one), the desperate and dateless ball I dragged her, Charlie and another friend to when we were 19 (I was doing their PR) where we were all dumped by our hideous partners for skanky country-girl hoes, to seeing her absolutely smitten with Hugo.

Allanah: When I first met Allanah I thought she walked really fast. She possesses a sharp tongue and a body to die for. Sophie, Allanah and I became friends through work. We all loved to dance and one night before clubbing tried a new fake tan that made us look so naturally brown. Unfortunately we didn’t read the instructions properly and our tans literally slid off on the dance floor. We only realised this when we went to the bathroom and saw our skin and clothes unnaturally streaked.

Before having kids (Allanah has two), Allanah and I would often escape to a caravan her parents had on a beach new Newcastle (north of Sydney). We’d walk around barefoot the whole time, spend days browning in the sun, smoking cigarettes in the nearby caves and chatting with the locals at the caravan park. It amazed us that many of them actually lived there.

Gordon: Writing this has made me realise how many friends I’ve met through work. Gordon, Kian, Amelia and I all met from working at the same clothing store while studying around 5-6 years ago. Gordon’s the clown of any group. He’s a popular socialite, a talented photographer, a lover of beautiful things who gets distracted by anything shiny. He can always make me laugh. We’re very stupid together. We used to take dance lessons and make up the moves when we couldn’t do them. He’s a good friend but we all know he’ll be somewhere else if a better offer arrives (see note above about shiny things).

Gordon’s sexuality has always been a hot topic. People have always pulled me aside to ask whether or not he’s gay. Ask Gordon and he’ll say something like he’s a lover of people regardless of their gender (how’s that for ambiguity). Despite occasionally dating females, Gordon’s always been in serious relationships with men; they’re the ones he’s gets stuck on and pines over, and although he’s probably realised it within himself (as nearly everyone else has) I don’t think he’s ready to say it out loud yet, especially to people like his parents.

Kian: Kian would often visit me when I worked in retail to chat and when he started working in the same store everyone, especially our manager, was hell bent on matching us together. This lasted for months but when we finally spoke about it, realised we’re better suited as friends. Nevertheless Kian’s the best looking Asian guy I’ve ever seen with an absolutely perfect physique. Back in those days, whenever the store was quiet our manager would put Kian in a form fitting top, send him on the ladder of the denim wall and within minutes we’d have customers. He now has his own glass company and is obsessed with playing golf and boxing.

Kian and Amelia spent a few years modeling overseas and while in Asia he was invited to audition as a new host for MTV. He attended the audition and although has the ideal personality and killer looks, his Australian accent was far too twangy for anyone to understand. He doesn’t look it, but sounds almost exactly like Steve Urwin, the Crocodile Hunter.

Amelia: Although we didn’t know each other at the time, I helped Amelia get a job where I worked to the praise of every male working with me at the time (around six years ago). Friendly, tall, blonde and absolutely stunning I then played matchmaker between her and Kian and they got together shortly afterwards before traveling overseas. They’re now engaged and affectionately dubbed Barbie and Ken.

Amelia and Kian have more pictures of Hugo in their home than we do. Amelia’s never been a career girl but is always remembered for her television ads for KFC, Snickers and appearances in magazines like FHM. She quit modeling as she became tired of it. Beyond this she’s one of the friendliest and easiest going friends we have and by far the cluckiest of all.

Ivy: Ivy met Gordon through the same photography course at university and became roommates shortly after they graduated. Despite her talent and beauty, Ivy’s a country girl from Bathurst and lacks the pretentiousness of most people in her field. She and Gordon are like perfect partners – he’s the silly one and she’s always the person laughing next to him. Those who don’t realise Gordon’s gay always assume they’re a couple, though that’s ceased since she’s started to seriously date a lovely man she met called Tom.

In 2001, I was sent to Thailand for a week to accompany some journalists at a regional client conference. One morning we planned to visit one of the many popular temples but it was closed so we walked to another nearby attraction. While walking the grounds I saw a familiar face and was shocked to bump into Ivy. She’d just broken up with her boyfriend of two years and had impulsively decided to come back home from three years in London without letting anyone know.

Scott: Although we went to the same high school, Scott and I didn’t really speak during those years as he’s a few years older than I and was far too popular in those days. He tried to date me towards the end but it never worked out so we became close friends instead. He’s like a brother to me, which means we find extreme satisfaction in mocking each other, arguing and corresponding almost entirely via email.

Scott suffers from major spouts of insomnia and I can tell whenever he’s depressed as he’ll grow a beard. He’s a real softie but became rather angry, cynical and mean after a hard year in London where he mixed with the cool kids and took way too many party drugs. He recently told me he’s an alcoholic but has it under control. His dad says the same thing.

Anna: All the boys love Anna but she repays their worship with ridicule. I was wary of her when she first started as the minion of our group at work but we became close through our appreciation of food and sarcastic wit, which no one else quite understood. We planned on making a fortune through a t-shirt range, which would feature slogans like “work sucks, they’re all c@#ts”.

Although we’re close, it’s taken Anna two freekin years to tell me anything about her love life. We had to eat a lot of food to make up for the lack of intimacy. Any time I would ask, she’d simply say it was ‘in the vault’. She later explained that she wanted to remain distant as I was her manager, which I could respect. That respect’s long gone and I’m meeting her boyfriend Tim next week.

Chloe: We lived in the same area, rode to work together every day and ended up having our boys a day apart and became closer through our experiences as a mother. Despite being French (and far more posh than most people I know), Chloe’s son Louis is a divine Scandinavian looking baby with the fairest of skin, white blonde hair, and light blue eyes.

One of the things I really admire in Chloe is her integrity. Although she’s fun loving, highly intelligent and a little wild once you get to know her, she strongly believes that women belittle each other through things like gossip and tabloid magazines and I’ve never heard her say a bad word about anyone, a bold move for someone working in PR.

Marisa: I first met Marisa when I was around 10 years old as one of my youth leaders at church (she’s a few years older than me). That changed when we grew older and we initially developed our dot com idea together before inviting Sophie to join us. Marisa’s one person I just get, which is why we work so well together. We would often think of exactly the same idea or even wearing the same outfit to work on the same day.

Marisa is the mother of a divine girl called Ruby Tiger. Her husband Tim is someone I also know through church and looks like a big Viking, he even has the beard to match. They live adventurously so Luc and I have a great time whenever we hang out and always leave with everyone saying we should do this far more often.

Drew: Our families have been close for over thirty years so I grew up with Drew and her sister Mary as cousins (they have four other siblings but our ages were far too apart for me to be close to them). Our fathers met in Asia while single and studying martial arts and Drew’s mother died of cancer many years ago so my mother was adopted as a surrogate afterwards. Half Vietnamese and half North American, we look quite similar too. Drew has her fingers (and toes) in every possible pie she can fathom. She’s finishing a psychology degree, working full time in web design, making jewelry that’s in demand at exquisite boutiques, helping companies get Government grants (she’s actually an expert at this), learning piano, painting and actively involved in her church and community.

Drew and her husband (also a Tim) have also been trying to have a baby for three years now. I felt horribly guilty when Mary accidentally fell pregnant and I followed suit a few months later. She’s been overseas to visit family in the States each year she hasn’t fallen pregnant and I’m just hoping this year she’ll have to cancel her ticket.

Sophie: My former best friend of seven years, Sophie and I also met while casually working in retail and quickly connected through a shared love of fashion, eating disorders and partying (I have a love/hate relationship with food that’s far more love than hate these days). We moved past those initial phases and she became like family, though it all disintegrated when she started following an Indian guru around two years ago. She broke up with me via a tardy phone call and letter for my birthday in May 2004 (a month late) and I haven’t spoken to her since. Her excuse was that I was no longer spiritual enough for her (huh?).

Random: While running late one day, Sophie ran to meet a train and reached it just in time to lodge her arm between the doors in the hopes of opening them. Unfortunately she lacked the strength but not the determination and loudly ran with the train until the platform ended and a passenger helped to return her arm.

This is my Hugo, happy as he's just about to be fed dinner

Can you believe how much he's grown?!!

My cheeky boy with fingers forever in his mouth (no, no teeth yet)

I was thinking today about the men I've dated and others I've quietly pined for.

I don't think I have a type as there have been dancers, models, tech/gaming nerds and even a philosophical goth (university days, what can I say). I was desperately in love with a half Polish, half Italian man during my first year of university. I remember him being a beautiful and quite perfect with an accent to boot (oh how they kill me!), but I can't remember what he looks like anymore only how he made me feel. Like myself he was studying Communications, but a third year student with a girlfriend of three years. He also painted on the side, which only romanticised him further in my mind, something I could've done without at the time.

A good friend Sarah and her girlfriend Cam even consider my relationship with Sophie to be an intense lesbian relationship without the sex, but they were down a partner for swing lessons that week so who knows.

My mother believes a woman is attracted to different men in different phases of her life. I used to grow weak at the sight of a skinny rocker type and even weaker if they were a red head but that certainly doesn't happen as often. I guess young, fun loving, irresponsible partying types don't attract me much anymore.

I know there are exceptions to Mum's belief, I think she was really telling me not to commit to anyone before my tastes had developed a little.

Tangent: could this, coupled with my father’s consistent cheating be why I’m scared of marriage?

Last night was our second family night. It was my first turn to organise the evening so I planned for us to have dinner at a delightful Lebanese restaurant downtown and made a flourless chocolate cake and ice cream for desert to have back at home (it’s now winter so Luc and I like to get home before it gets toooo cold, mainly for Hugo’s sake).

But before we left for the restaurant I received a call from Natasha, who was running late, so we all sat down for some coffee instead. Mum and Harry were deep into an update on the latest tiff with Dad (who’s trying to swivel Harry out of a chunk of land they jointly own that recently quadrupled in value), so we didn’t quite mind the delay.

A moment later though, Luc answered a stressed and panicked call from one of his staff members. A critical network security breach had taken place and required his immediate attention so he had to leave us. Luc didn’t know how long it would take so we planned to go ahead with him as soon as Tash arrived.

Fast forward another thirty minutes and Tash rang Mum (not having the balls to give me the excuse) as she didn’t have enough money for petrol and needed to work on some assignments. By this point we were all too lazy to go out so I called the restaurant to apologise.

So despite my best intentions the night was almost exactly like the last, minus two family members. Harry came over after work, Mum cooked (delicious soup) and we all played with Hugo while watching a Moloko concert on DVD. We then had dessert, Harry fell asleep on the couch and Mum put Hugo to bed.

*Sigh*

At first they were the strangest words to say. Sometimes they still feel a little too big.

My son is all eyes, perfectly round rosy cheeks and fingers in mouth, smiling at strangers, clutching his feet, eating my index and pulling my lips.

And our conversations! Mummumummmum dadda graahh ma! Ba bababa mah br. Brrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I miss him when he sleeps.

watching tv

After a smashing first date, I'm hoping to take Lucas here for our second one.

Yep, first night time date and maybe, just maybe I'll get lucky too ;)

Is there really a need for this?

Over the last few days I've been testing a new routine with Hugo... ok... this is our first real routine. We've been fine without one to date but I think it's now needed as the tiny baby I gave birth to is now an energetic, grabbing, tempermental and playful chatterbox who can sit up on his own, grabs and throws his toys, quickly gets bored and cries when he doesn't get his own way. And he's been rather grumpy as his sleep patterns have been unpredictable.

Have I mentioned I'm still breast feeding? He's already on solids three times a day but is such a big boy that he's started to wake again (twice) during the night for a good feed. Thank God he can't crawl or walk yet as this is already tiring stuff!

So our days have been structured into meal times, nap times, play times and bath time. We go for a generous hour long walk every day and see kids riding their bikes, playing basketball, girls jumping on trampolenes with ribbons in their hair, mums in designer tracksuits talking on teeny mobile phones while hurding their children into jeeps (the modern day equivalent of the mini-van), as well as tonnes of trees, birds and flowers.

And part of me thinks I should hate it, but I don't. It's simple, beautiful and reminds me of my childhood. I have more time to myself and the kilos are just sliding off with all that exercise and extra breastfeeding!

But the thing that spins me out the most is that he'll be seven months old next week.

Yikes.