The Contingency Plan

The days have been scratching away at my sanity and I feel myself entering a hybernation of sorts, eager for time alone and swallowing books with an avid and almost insatiable hunger.

I've read three books this week, all at least 300 pages long, more than I've managed all year.

Our recent move has been such a strain. I know this will sound dramatic but I feel as though I've lost part of myself in it all the stressful activity. Not much, maybe a few hairs and a toenail, but something nevertheless.

I'm still dealing with the fallout and even though I'm on 'holiday', I've been working everyday on media for a client, including Christmas day. It's heavy stuff too.

I read my star sign last week and besides the standard generalisations that can apply to anyone, it mentioned my 'type' being attracted to drama. I later read an email from a good friend who wrote "ah there's always something new with you Kazumi, it's part of what I love about you".

I think there's some element of truth to all of this. I do become bored easily, I seek out new thoughts, people and opportunities. Two weeks ago I found myself calling Phil's old number. I haven't spoken to Phil in over two years but had a sudden desire to hear his voice and laugh at his easy, relentless banter.

Luckily I didn't get through. But for the next two hours I was raw and unwired, and amazed at my audacity. What on earth was I thinking? People like Phil are better left in my past. I often think and write about how I'd like my life to settle into a lovely and predictable rythmn and acts like this make me question myself (and my stupidity).

3:51pm: Well isn't this a first.... The house is all packed, boxes stacked, bedrooms cleared and we're literally sitting around waiting for the movers to arrive. We've been waiting for about an hour so far.

The packing has been smooth sailing but it's raining today (Sydney breaks down in the rain) so I hope the move will be smooth too. Luc is loitering around the house, opening drawers, cupboards, lingering in rooms for things missed and I can clearly hear his big, flat feet clomping throughout the echoing space. Hugo is asleep on the couch (the beds are all packed up) and Susi is online.

There's no phone connection in the new house yet and Christmas is quickly approaching so who knows when .... oh the door bell is ringing!!

4:53pm: The doorbell was a false alarm. I've called the moving company and there's been a delay with the last job (namely a 250m walk to get to the actual premise) so they estimate another 2.5 hours before they will reach our place.

Luc, Susi and Hugo have packed the car with the television, Foxtel (cable tv) box and other goodies and have left for our new abode as Hugo was suffering from intense boredom here. His toys are at the other place and so are two flights of stairs (he loves stairs).

5:32pm: I've turned the fridge back on and have re-stocked the freezer as I couldn't bear to let the full and juicy salmon, prawns, scallops, squid and tuna steaks I recently bought go to waste.

Luc just called from the new house and although I connected the gas, electricity and cable tv today, only the electricity seems to be working. The ducted air system isn't working either. I think moving on a Friday was a bad move. And I think scheduling the move for a Friday afternoon has made it even worse.

What was I thinking?

The time was 9.32pm. Hugo was running naked through the house, giggling after his bath, Luc was chasing him, laughing, a nappy and pyjamas ('damas') in hand, Susi and I were watching recorded episodes of the O.C., the dinner dishes were still laying on the counter and a fan was circulating hot air around our full and noisy home.

My phone rang and I thought it was another journalist enquiring about a media release we'd distributed earlier in the day. I answered the phone and when I heard her voice, my back and neck instantly heated up, my stomached knotted and I was quite lost for words. Time expanded.

After two and a half years of silence, the time had come for our paths to cross again.

She stumbled through her first sentence. I asked why she was calling and started walking towards the quiet bedroom.

---

Sophie was my best friend of seven years who shortly after deciding to follow an Indian guru also decided that I wasn't spiritual enough for her. I didn't meditate or practice the spiritual principles that she now followed. I naturally found this to be quite hypocritical as her beliefs encourage disciples to embrace and love people unconditionally. Nevertheless, Sophie made some very harsh and hurtful judgments and abruptly ended our friendship when I called to schedule a time to celebrate my birthday. Belongings were exchanged. She wrote a 'goodbye' letter. I remained silent. Shocked.

Sophie was someone I considered to be my kindred. What she did deeply wounded and infuriated me.

Over the past few years I've written about Sophie here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here and here.

---

The start of our conversation was quite straightforward. Sophie said that she'd been through some recent changes and had realised how hurtful and judgmental she had been towards me and wanted to say sorry. Her voice was wavering. I could tell she felt uncomfortable. There were long pauses in our conversation.

Although I was very honest and straight forward, I wasn't mean or spiteful towards her. For instance, at one point Sophie said that it was important for her to say that what she did wasn't personal but a result of how messed up she was at the time. After a quick pause, I asked her how something like that could be impersonal and explained how her actions affected me. She listened and explained that she is still finding it hard to not judge and not become extreme in her actions and beliefs. And then honestly said that she felt her spiritual journey would be hindered if we remained close friends. That I could handle as it was the truth, unlike her 'it's not personal' line.

Ironically Sophie reminded me of what I was like when I was an extreme Christian as a teenager. Sophie's questioning her beliefs (are they her own or conditioned?), she's listening to other music besides spiritual Indian music for the first time in over a year and has realised that she can embrace people of other religions and beliefs and still remain strong in her faith.

A lot of questions were asked and after we spoke about the past, spent two hours catching up on the last two years.

--
Sophie called over a week now and I think about our conversation quite regularly. We were suppose to meet for a quick catch up last Thursday but that didn't pan out due to work committments. This post has been quite tricky but helpful to write.

I was speaking with Chloe about the situation and explained that although I don't hold any bitterness, I'm still wary of Sophie and don't know to what capacity I'm willing to have her in my life again. I thought Chloe made a good point: my life has changed so much in the past two and a half years (relationship with Luc much stronger and more stable, we have Hugo (!!), our own businesses, etc.) and I don't have as much time to nurture a high maintenance friendship.

With that said, I am curious to see what the future holds.

Although the past week has been quite confusing, I think it's steered Luc and I in the direction of seriously buying a property in the next 6-12 months. Mum has enjoyed all the debates on whether to buy this house and is a general freak when it comes to land (nearly all the Asians I know are), so although she's still upset that Luc and I aren't planning a wedding, we've consoled her with the fact that we will buy a place together.

Which is almost as good in her books.

Our last and final point in considering this house was to meet with a mortgage broker, which we did last night to discuss a loan. He was very helpful and full of good advice and it was handy to know how much a bank would lend us and how long it would take to repay. Luc and I have been working with very hypothetical figures to date so this straightened things a little, even though we weren't far off.

I went to sleep last night tired of working out whether we should buy this place and woke up this morning knowing that it's not for us. Luc also feels confident in this decision so we've been discussing Christmas and the move and things we can do in our new place and it feels liberating to be able to look forward with confidence.

Poor Hugo has experienced very little Christmas cheer lately so I can't wait for our move to be over, to buy a tree, some lights, some presents and some festive treats.

I'm starting our Christmas shopping this weekend (scared).

What are you asking Santa for Christmas this year?

I think today has been one of the most confusing days of my life.

While putting Hugo to bed this afternoon, Luc took our old car Bertha out for a drive (to keep her battery alive and kicking) and when I went to look for him nearly two hours later, I found him at the front of the house chatting amicably with the builder/owner of this house.

The conversation looked happy and friendly. I could hear laughter. I was perplexed as this was the first time we'd seen one of the owners (they're a couple) since our termination notice, but went inside to continue tidying as our real estate agent was due to arrive shortly and the house needed some work.

Luc came home a few minutes later and we shared a brief conversation while wiping down counter tops, stashing clean laundry that hadn't been put away yet and filling the dishwasher.

I was shocked to hear what he was saying.

Luc saw the owner, Bob, when he came back from his drive and Bob took him aside to apologise and explain what had happened over the last two weeks. Bob explained that the real estate agents had basically fucked up and that it was a mistake for them to have sent us the termination notice.

(Note: The managing director of the estate agent is our main contact. He went on annual leave three weeks ago and he found out about the chain of events when he went back to the office and called me to confirm a meeting to discuss next steps for the sale of the house. I replied that the meeting was unnecessary due to the termination letter, much to his horror).

Bob and Luc were talking for about an hour outside and Bob ended the conversation by saying that despite the unnecessary stress that he's put us through, he was still interested to see if we wanted to buy the house and that we didn't need to rush our move as he's happy for us to stay for at least another few months if we don't want to buy. He felt horrible and wanted to explain that none of it was intentional or his wishes. Luc then said that he was still very interested to buy the property and upon telling me this, the doorbell rang and in walked our estate agent, Kerry.

Kerry confirmed what Luc had just said and explained that one of his staff members had misinterpreted his instructions and had drafted and sent us the termination letter when there was no reason for it. Kerry was going to confirm whether we interested in buying the property once he returned from his holiday. If we didn't want to buy, then they would draft a letter that would give us two months notice, not two weeks.

Regardless, Kerry knew that we were now moving out and wanted to meet with us to explain the situation in person and sincerely apologise.

Now, the REAL confusion set in when Luc and Kerry started discussing sale options. Even though Luc was initially opposed to the notion, I think our recent property search showed him how good this house really is. We love the layout and our main issues are only the lack of cooling and storage, which can be easily fixed.

Kerry said that Bob may be open to a delayed settlement of 6-12 months, which would give us sufficient time to save for a good deposit. We could negotiate a lower rent during this period and discuss things like ducted air (etc) in the meantime. This would really be an ideal situation.

Ten minutes after he had left, Luc and I were on the phone to a home finance specialist we'd previously been in touch with to discuss our options. He's coming over on Monday night. From that meeting Luc and I will make our offer (we can afford the asking price but want to negotiate one significantly less). Either way, we must make our decision by Thursday as this is the day we're set to sign a new rental lease (!!). The removalists are still booked in for Friday and our boxes arrive on Monday.

I would love to own this house and we could afford the mortgage and repayments but am feeling quite confused. I'm so desperate to get out of the renter's market. City rents are expected to rise another 5-10% in the next year. If we move to this new rental property we'll be paying $680/week in rent, which is average for the suburbs we like.

I know this is a significant decision and have avoided telling anyone as I know Luc and I have to make a choice that's right for us and our family.

I don't know whether we should start packing.

Time has been stretching out and contracting back at such a pace lately!
Forget hours and minutes and the whole 60 tick tocks
While looking for properties, time became hungry
And snacked on seconds
And now that we're waiting for an answer (after finding such a nice place)
Well, time has entered a third dimension
And I find myself getting lost in its depth and width
Its heights when I'm hopeful and the immediate dizzying lows
When I walk around our two levels
The few minutes are actually hours in my mind as I plan to pack:
Keep the old cards, brown pictures and cheap wine glasses
Throw out the chipped, cracked and broken