The Contingency Plan

no. it can't be done. i don't think i can do it anymore.

i'm so scared and at times still uncertain. this path has very numbered days of free, meaningless whatever.

but i also experience whispers of excitement and moments overwhelming love, tenderness and strength.

and they're everywhere. i was at an event and a pregnant lady came up to me, introduced herself and started talking. i came back to work and my colleague was gushing over photos of her friend's baby. a friend who designs her own (very funky) baby manchester range emailed me to meet up, then one of my closest friends emailed me and said that after two years of trying she's going on IVF. i later received a call from a friend who asked me for some PR advice and continued to rave about being a new dad.

so i came home last night and cried for four hours. i just couldn't bear the thought of an abortion.

so i've decided to create my own story. i can't try to safely follow another, as much as i think i want to. i can have a baby and still fulfil the dreams i had in mind like further my career and travelling. i can make it work.

but every day changes. and it's here i start becoming a painful mess again.

Call me

He was naked on the bed
And it was custom for him to lie there
Staring for moments beyond time
At his four walls covered without a crack
Every centimeter absolutely packed
With tiny scraps of paper
A colour montage
A canvas of names and numbers
Scribbled in hopeful handwriting
The expressions
Pregnant and overflowing with anticipation
Smelling of optimism
The perfume of desire
And in his loneliness
This was enough

After all my recent festering, I received a comforting and supportive email today from a beautiful stranger.

Beyond emphathising, he wrote that "mothers deserve the right time and situation in which to be mothers just as much as babies deserve the right time and situation in which to be born" and this really echoed strongly in me.

I'm not going to feel bad about having a termination anymore. I'm having an ultrasound towards the end of the week and will then book everything else in.

I feel at ease.

Thank you...

my thoughts are obsessed with this baby. i received the infamous phone call at work on wednesday and have experienced the shock and realisation a thousand times since. the nausea i feel after meals isn't a bad reaction to sugar. my hourly hunger pangs aren't my metabolism, my breast aren't bigger because of my prayers, and my bloated belly is so much more. fuck.

i had no idea i was pregnant as i haven't had a period in so long. even my doctor was surprised.

so now i have to figure out what to do. there were problems with my original ultrasound so i'm going for another one during the week and if i'm eleven week's pregnant, it's jack's and if i'm four week's pregnant, it's lucas'. that feels cheap. i hate writing it as the situations weren't cheap at all. after seeing jack for three months i really liked him and was honestly hurt by his stupid and selfish actions.

i actually saw him on thursday night at the book club. he looked good and shamelessly paid me a lot of attention but all i could think, was that i could be bearing his child. he was funny and flirty and i ended up leaving earlier than usual.

and the horrible thing is that i don't have anyone i can really talk to about this. i'm scared to tell any of my friends or my mother in fear of judgement, and feel so confused and vulnerable so i told the only person i could, lucas.

he has no idea about jack. we were separated so i don't feel the need to bring it up, especially now, as jack and i fizzled before lucas and i got back together. he's been so wonderfully supportive, which makes me feel even more like a fraud, even though i may not be.

lucas was happy, sensitive and loving. the first thing he did was tell me he loves me, he held me and said that above all we'd get through this together.

we've spoken about it in depth and the timing just isn't right. i'm too young and so is he. we don't even have our own shit together. a former friend of mine had a baby too early and i saw all the crap she went through and i just don't want that for my life. i don't want to resent a baby because it held me back from plans i've worked really hard on.

my doctor tells me it's the most common practice in australia, but i still battle with thoughts that's it's wrong and unfair. but it would be unfair for me to give birth when i'm not at all ready. and i worry that if i go ahead with the termination that i may not be able to conceive later as my system is so volatile. this all feels so selfish.

sour lollies

a promotion to management and realising i'm pregnant.

welcome to friday.

What muppet am I?


You are Janice.
You dig the groove man, nothing can bum you out.
Too bad you're too stoned to notice.

INSTRUMENT:
Like, you know, guitar, fer sure.
LAST BOOK READ:
"Finding Your Past Lives on the Web"

FAVORITE EXPRESSION:
"Fer sure, like, fer sure."

FAVORITE THINGS:
Peace, love and, like, granola, totally.

NEVER LEAVES HOME WITHOUT:
Her inner child.


What Muppet are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

a low hum radiates from my navel.

i stand drenched and humbled as you engulf me with a soft glow.

an ever-present whisper in my stillness.

you will be a shadow that surfaces to become light. and i will fear the moon.

stripped of all purity, i float on madness and see myself running sythesised, with a ripe mind bursting in this place so void of release.

i pour through my phone book for comfort. i want to be hushed with a thousand warm sighs and softened by the tender touch of a million raindrops.

void of breath, i cry to the sound of each name but there was and is only his. and through it all he holds me.

you're too early and i'm too selfish. you will change me.

this is not kindness.

I stayed home again today. I had my ultrasound this morning and then experienced some painful cramps so I came on home. The thought of my ovaries having these big fucking cysts on them is really grossing me out. The lady who did my ultrasound was a little strange and I didn't have the time to stay around for my results (as I thought I was going to go to work) so they're going to send them to my doctor.

I don't think my account director is impressed that I've taken two days off in a row, but there's nothing I can do. She questioned a lot of my tests and told me I've run out of sick days, which kind of annoyed me as I don't feel like I have anything to prove here.

What made it worse is that she came online tonight at 10pm and then messaged me saying 'kazumi - what are you doing online?'. I didn't think I had to justify my out of work hours so I told her I was looking up porn. She didn't reply. And I wonder whether I'm going to get promoted this week...

Anyhow, I was thinking about a recent personality test we had to do at work called an MBTI. I came out as an ENTJ, which stands for Extrovert, Intuitive, Thinker and Judger (direct opposites are Introvert, Sensory, Feeler, Perceiver).

Basically people of this type tend to be friendly, strong willed and outspoken, can easily identify and ammend inefficiencies in systems, they're honest, logical and demanding of self and others. Creative with a global perspective, they are also decisive, organised, efficient and can't stand imcompetencies.

This version doesn't sound so bad, but the one they gave me at work made me sound like a heartless bitch, which I was of course very adverse to.

But I've now started thinking that perhaps I'm not as nice as I'd like to think. I mean, I'm friendly enough but I'm increasingly impatient and intolerant and no longer afraid to express it. I don't deliberately seek to crush other, but certainly don't make time for shallow, stupid, self absorbed and melodramatic types, as pretty as many of them may be.

But in my defense I am giving, fiercely loyal and protective of those I love, try not to be toooo selfish and aim do the right thing by others.

Damn, who am I kidding... plain nice is just too boring these days.

Let's play 'Join the Dots'

I'm scared as hell today.

Just over three years ago I stopped menstruating. I consulted a number of doctors, had some tests done and they came up with nothing but 'stress' and 'we're not too sure'. Fast forward to today and despite the fact that I started menstruating around a year ago (for around five months), this stopped just over six months ago, so I knew something was up.

I decided to go to a new doctor today (first time I've needed one since moving areas) and she thinks I have a condition called Polycystic Ovaries (PCOS). Doctors have suspected this in the past, but my body was apparently being weened off the pill at the time, which is why it may have gone unnoticed. A shit load of ovarian cysts would certainly explain my forever bloated belly!

I know the basic symptoms of PCOS, but what concerns me is that I may have had this condition for over three years and it hasn't been treated, which isn't good as if I do have it, my chances of developing diabetes, uterine cancer, high blood pressure and heart disease are three times higher than usual. But what would really upset me is my chances of having kids one day would be small.

So I'm having an ultrasound tomorrow and have taken a whole bunch of tests today - everything from a pap smear to a big ass blood sample to test for diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.

Fingers, toes, arms and legs crossed...

$130... Justified

As I mentioned in my last post, I took Natasha to the Justin Timberlake concert on Thursday night for her birthday, thus placing me in the running for 'Sister of the Year'.

The concert was a treat, taking me back to classic moments in my teens.

Not surprisingly, JT is a very capable performer. Talented, fun and easy going, he reached all the high Michael Jackson notes and was entertaining enough to watch without the need for back up dancers, etc. He did the keyboard thing and then got all Madonna and acoustic on our asses, but managed to pull it off impressively enough. He also did a bit of dancing and beat boxing, which was cool.

But what made the ridiculously high ticket price worth it ($130 each as it was an intimate concert of 'only' 5,000 people), was all the young, crazy and obsessive girls there. The average age was between 12 and 15. I did the whole elbow my way down to the front-ish thing and since I was one of the oldest there, no one messed with me.

I was also amazed to realise that I could see across the whole crowd perfectly because they were all so young! Despite wearing flat, comfortable shoes, I was one of the tallest people there.

Here are some of my favourite moments:

* Complimenting the large groups of girls who had made their own t-shirts and came dressed identically (even the same hair styles). 'Mrs Timberlake' and 'he had me naked by the end of the song' were some beauties

* Seeing Cameron Diaz by the side of the stage

* I didn't think it would happen, but yes, I saw a crier, who shed many a tear during one of JT's sappy love songs while mouthing "I love you Justin". A close second was a guy next to me who was singing along, swaying, with his eyes closed and an intense expression on his face. And yes. His hands were clenched

* Making friends with some girls who'd been there since 11am to get a place near the front of the stage. They waited for over eight hours to get in. The venue was small so there was a lot of competition. Most of them ended up fainting during the concert and had to be carried out

* Picking up on some of JT's lyrics like "You're out of this world but you're not green, You'll never know just what you mean... To meeee" and "Let's fly away to Sweden, To the Garden of Eden"

* And last but definitely not least, the crazy younguns went MAD when JT took off his jacket (still wearing a tshirt) and started screaming "Take it off! Take it off!" I was pleasantly horrified. JT and the band were a bit shocked, he then laughed and said, "Firstly, you'll need to pay waaaay more as I ain't that cheap and secondly, I ain't Christina Aguleria". She girls/auditorium did it a second time and he teased them by quickly flashing his stomach and my ears were in pain from the screams.

Gold Jerry, pure gold.

it's 5.24am and i'm wide awake.
i'm thinking about the justin timberlake concert i took natasha to on thursday for her birthday
how i drank too much wine again tonight
how i found the ice cream of my dreams (caramel fudge with chocolate brownie)
a new design for my ring
and had nine messages on my phone from people wanting to hang out on friday night. i know, say 'hello' to miss popularity!
i hung out again with penelope tonight and another friend i've had since i was around 11, charlie. it was soooo refreshing
comfortable, loving and funny
i can't remember why i stopped hanging out with them
thinking of a fake name for everyone i know is damn hard work
lucas thinks he should be called homer
i named scot after a guy he'd been bitching about the night we last hung out
and my sister, the name she was alternatively going to be called
sometimes i find myself going to call these people by my made-up name instead of their actual name
scot is determined to find the url for this site
he also told me he's an alcoholic. this really worries me
he went to london last year and came back angry and bitter. although i think my family's hard work, his dad is an alcoholic and his mother suffers from depression. he lives with them now out in the suburbs to support them and i think i'd start drinking too if that were me
i bought some new clothes last weekend and was a size smaller than usual
i think i've eaten enough ice cream this week to turn that around
i'm having my yearly review for work next week. i'm going to quit if they don't promote me and they know this too
despite my confidence, i'll be absolutely crushed if i'm not promoted
it's 6am. i should be tired

sometimes despite the clutter of life's chaos, i feel breaths of clear air.
i forget that my dad cheated on my mum for 25 years and then rejected me out of his life, i let go of work-place stress and deadlines, hurtful friendships and painful relationships and see glitters of gold amongst the chewing gum on the street.
as oprah as it sounds, i've realised i can't rely on other people to show me there's still good in the world. so, i've been trying to show it to myself instead.
i was very disciplined as a child and subsequent teenager. controlled by notions of cause and effect and obsessed with doing good by everyone (to stay blameless and try and build character), i was a little too serious, judgemental and up tight and have spent the last seven years rebelling against that character i built.
now i don't have any regrets, but as we all know, i've recently reached a point where my life feels so shit and out of control that i have no other option than to examine my life and try and make some positive changes.
and tonight i felt some glimmers of hope that i could be on a good track.

so i hear you.

what the hell happened to jack? how long have you and lucas been living together again? weren't the two of you two broken up and isn't this a little sudden?

ok, members of the jury, please take your seats.

exhibit a involves the disappearance of jack. i don't know what's happened to him. we email each other around once a week, it's friendly, but of course it's over. we don't make plans to see each other outside of book club hours, we don't electronically flirt and i feel like an absolute champ that it's amicably ended without any dramas.

next comes the surprise. even though lucas and i were broken up for a while, we were still living together. shock. so how could we be really broken up you ask? simple. two bedrooms. he stayed at a friend's house most of the time and we lived two separate lives barely seeing each other. we had our things divided and were both actively looking for alternative places. you know the story of us getting back together..

is this sudden? i don't think so as this feels like home *please excuse the use of corn*. i just have to bitch-slap myself whenever i freak out about being committed as he does make me happy.

fallback

despite suffering from a sudden bought mondayitis, there's nothing i want more than to be a lady of leisure.

yes, despite my ambitious dreams of becoming a tenacious, hard working, hard nosed and successful PR bitch, i just don't give a damn anymore and want to spend my time knitting, baking, sitting on my ass and leisurely luncheoning. bliss.

now the dilemma i face (and yes, i do suffer), is that this is on offer. lucas knows i'm unhappy and plain worn out and since we're still living together (did i fail to previously mention that?), is offering to support me/us as i take some time out. his wage is very capable of doing this. plus he's working wierd hours now (he's a hacker/IT security guru) so that would mean we'd actually see each other during the week.

am i mad not to do this? will i loose all independence? will my self worth and respect suffer? did i ever have that to start with? i mean, i do work in PR... and will i give a damn when i'm waking up at ten to spend the day looking out over the harbour and reading a book instead of stressing over neurotic clients, media events, product launches and new business pitches?

gee, this is going to be a hard one...

i'm having an experience i wish i could record. and not because i'm doing anything special but because i'm in the background watching scot and lucas play with instruments and recording gear and they're both so happy.

they're like excited little school boys... drinking beers, improvising, mocking each other and trying to be cool while dealing with silent elation. i'm just sitting pretty with my friend constipation, overlooking my bloated belly.

What About Your Friends

And the problem dawned on me while I was drinking my hot chocolate tonight.

I feel friendless.

It feels so pathetic admit, but it's true. I have a host of acquaintances, a myriad of contacts, but no one besides Lucas I can call a real friend.

And what I mean by a 'real friend' is simple.

I want someone who will come over with junk food and wine on a Friday night like tonight when I've had a shitty week, take me out for drinks when I score a new job, have daggy TV nights with, go on a road trip with, someone I can help move, who I'll cook soup for when they're sick and someone who doesn't have to be asked to think and do these kinds of things.

Many of my recent friendships feel shallow and selfish. They leave me feeling empty and alone. They're too structured, too distant and too uninvolved. They feel like a sour client relationship where you only do exactly what's in the bounds of your contract and definitely nothing more.

Some of the girls I know are obsessed about getting married. You can tell they're on the prowl as they practically give off the scent and I feel like I'm doing the same with friendships. It's disheartening. I'm the kind of person you could stick in a room full of strangers and I'd easily find my feet, but this is something different and it feels new. I feel out of my depth.

I know the kind of advice I'd give myself and it's the kind of advice people give to sad, pathetic, desperate losers. 'Hang in there, you'll find some friends, no one ever REALLY has more than a handful, there's nothing wrong with you', and the fact that I silently reassure myself like this is even more pathetic.

Fuck fuck fuck. And despite the fact that I typically get along better with guys, I'm going to make a deliberate effort to make friends with more girls or gay guys. I know I sound neurotic, but I meet too many nice, talented and intelligent guys that I'm attracted to and it's not good to keep doing this while I'm trying to focus on re-building a beautiful, yet fragile relationship.

Ok I'm exhausted and think I've done enough psycho raving for one day...

They sit sipping soothing tea
Sweet sliding liquid
Warm tongues, cold feet.
He stares at her stomach
Big and round after eating
Wonders why she loathes
Something so curved and temperamental
She likes feeling full
Likes rubbing smooth bits of skin
Together
Her chin on her chest
A thumb around her shoulder
Eyes closed
A breath with every circle

two in one day may be considered sad or excessive, but i feel like i'm overflowing with thoughts and emotions, which i'm always so critical of. it's often easier for me to be distant, entertaining and sarcastic, but i know there are times when i just have to be vulnerable as well.

tonight i'm alone and i'm missing things. i wish i could explain it with some beautifully poignant words, but my emotions feel too raw and i'd feel like an absolute tosser if i tried to polish them.

it's times like these i feel like a kid again. i cry through my glossy makeup, change my black corporate outfits for old floppy mismatched tracksuits, wipe snot on my sleeves, rub my feet together and crave ice cream. and i feel damn stupid but i'm just too upset to care.

in these moments i miss warm, comforting, nostaglic things like the smell of my mum, sophie's firm, emotive and encompassing hugs, laying on the hard green grass of my childhood home, and being in the company of my family before we decided to become retarded with each other.

i don't know why i find it difficult to ground myself, but as friendly and outgoing as i am, i still crave the intimacy of deep friendships and of a support network that i've been trying to find for years.

and it's here my thoughts stop. i do those horrible deep stacatto breaths of someone who's been crying too much and thank god for chocolate.

mmmm... chocolate...

i haven't given lucas enough credit in this blog and it's a shame, yet i don't want to rave.

so in support of this, here are the top 10 things i love about him, yep, bring on the list...

(not in order of preference)
1. he's a gentleman. he opens doors, always carries the bags, walks on the car-side of the road and does it all so quietly and subtly that you almost wouldn't notice
2. he's extremely intelligent, both technically and creatively. i know, just like us all.
3. he's a dreamer. he has big plans for his life and expects to fulfil them.
4. he's hard working. he's lived through a war, years of tough times and has laboured for everything he has so he doesn't assume or expect things from people and i've yet to hear him feel sorry for himself.
5. he's eccentric and has a quirky sense of humour. dumb people don't get him and i like that, quickens the culling process.
6. he goes out of his way for others.
7. he's generous.
8. he close to and still supports his mother.
9. he honestly doesn't care what others think of him, which results in a fresh honesty he carries throughout every aspect of his life.
10. he's tall, has big manly hands, a really cute ass and is damn fine looking man-child.

who said three's a crowd?

i was reading an article in the sydney morning herald ('the partner shuffle', julie pryor, june 4, 2004) about how by 2050 it'll be normal for people to have three life partners - one in their early twenties for travelling, fun and sex, one in their thirties for marriage, commitment and children, and one for the 'wind down' period of life.

is it just me, or is this already happening??

last night i donned my cowboy boots, cowboy hat and went to a 'cowboy and indian' themed party with penelope, a little drive up the coast at the northern beaches.

the night was cold but upon arrival, we could see it was going to be worth the chill.

welcome to sarah and mia's birthday party.

their large backyard had been transformed into 'el rancho'. haystacks surrounded three glowing campfires, there was a spit, kegs of beers and yes, even a mechanical bull. everyone had made an effort to dress up, which i always appreciate.

i didn't know anyone there, but not long after we settled down with a cup of beer and hot corn on the cob i discovered sarah's a friendly, easy-going christian girl and mia is gorgeous, eccentric brazillian hippy - why they decided to join forces is beyond me but it sure made for some interesting/hilarious situations...

situation one - sarah had invited her family and other christian friends, including some families, to help her celebrate the occassion. you should've seen their faces (and the subsequent rumours!) when one of the fathers needed to use the bathroom and accidentally walked in on three of mia's friends naked in the bath together - three gorgeous girls still wearing their indian style pigtails. apparently they're all country girls who'd never met and obviously took a liking to each other. it was a priceless moment i'm thankful to have witnessed.

situation two - three up tight christian girls holding hands and praying in the corner of the dancefloor while we all got down and dirty to 'it's getting hot in here' by nelly. as pen said, 'time and place people'...

situation three - a tripping brazillian cowboy telling pen and i about a friend who's apparently had 22 children and that every woman's period is suppose to be in line with each new moon of the month. this took him around thirty minutes to explain.

situation four - christian girls letting it loose on the mechanical bull. no need for further explanation.

yee haw!

otherwise occupied

i have a colleague who only talks to me to complain about her job, in particular her account director. we use to be 'kindred sisters' (not my term) but for some reason she now limits our communication purely to work related subjects (perhaps i'm not spiritual enough).

i don't mind this, but last night discovered that i'm not the only one. god forbid, she's now creeping around the office leaving a trail of slanderous whispers that shimmer in the light of our all-female environment.

although i can see her point, i find it strange how she can talk to everyone but the person causing her the grief and feel justified doing it. and it's a shame as the problems started off small (misunderstandings, etc), but have now escalated to the point that she's planning to leave.

anyhow, all this talk about work with her has got me thinking about the expectations we put on our jobs. i don't think anyone i know is really happy. we all want more pay, less working hours, more glamour, less stress, amicable colleagues, empathetic managers - are we unrealistically looking for perfect jobs that don't have any challenges or downfalls?

i'm not talking about compromising your goals here, i'm just questioning whether work can be all fulfilling - just like relationships.

sophie use to look for the ideal guy that would meet her every need. anything less would be violating her standards. and the sad thing was that she dismissed so many wonderful people because they didn't fit the list. in the end, she realised that she couldn't look to someone else for total fulfilment and hooked up with someone wonderful who complimented her in a way she didn't expect.

i definitely don't know all the answers, but just wonder whether we do the same when it comes to our occupation.

Midweek Lullaby

Looking out from tall white windows
Flooded with light
The world seems pure
Clean water
Clean air
And the sun casting limelight on
Illuminated leaves
Smells of late springtime smiles
Merging with fresh heat
We use to dance here
Stepping to the beat
Of our hearts madly pounding and
The silent symphony of
Our eyes locked and
Intertwined fingers
Our sweet escape
Hidden in woody branches
As raindrops now fall through
Clean water
Clean air
Smells of late springtime showers
Take me dancing again

Meet your Queen.. The Queen of Klutz

I've never been one to run away from the ball, trip when I walk or cause public harm with eye cancerous dance moves but today I feel like THE Queen of Klutz.

Scene One: I'm in a meeting with a very, very fine looking young man I'd just met from a popular men's magazine. We're talking shop and I reach for my glass of water only to TOTALLY miss my mouth and spill most down the front of my top and not in a sexy, wet t-shirt kinda way either. I was absolutely mortified. He didn't laugh.

Scene Two: I'm having my chocolate fix for the day and without realising it, a drop falls on my chair. It melts between my legs (how could it not?) and leaves an unsightly brown mark on my chair and my trousers, which I didn't notice until AFTER I'd been out.

Scene Three: A colleague tells me a funny and slightly unbelievable story and I yell "Get in!" instead of "Get out!"

Scene Four: I tell a client that we "don't want to let the dog out of the bag"

I know the last two are malapropisms, but still - what the fuck!?!