The Contingency Plan

Wow. I had no idea how negative my thoughts had become! I've spent the last two day searching for stories about love to share and it's remarkably improved my disposition.

I thought about the letters Lucas and I wrote to each other before we met

And how I adore every little tiny cell of Hugo's being

I thought of how Natasha chooses to love and support my father, knowing in full the kind of person he is

And how Mum still cries whenever she speaks of him, even though he so badly mistreated her

I thought of how Dylan once bottled a tear for Sophie when he fell for her... and how thankful I was he never did that for me

And how Scott still pays the household bills for his alcoholic father and depressed mother even though he hasn't lived there for over a year

I thought of how my old MD decided not to have children as she's too besotted with her nine to five

And how for years Drew refused the big bucks of corporate land as she wanted to help the less fortunate young people around her

I thought of how Anna happily ate and put on weight with me during my pregnant months

And how Sarah left the church we grew up in to be with Camille

And then there's the sacrifices my parents made

And the many I know we will too

...the thoughts keep coming.

You're right. I often type when my heart's a little heavy and not singing the lighter notes. So this week I'm dedicating my blog to the finer things. At times it's easier to indulge in the blues.

Kris called me yesterday and told me the details of Sophie's visit. Soph was there to get a haircut from our hairdresser, Jamie and I was eager to painfully hear every minute detail...

She's been to India twice in the past year to follow her guru, Amma. She lives up the coast in a remote area with her boyfriend Paul in a three bedroom house. They've quit their jobs and buy goods from auctions to sell them at various markets and on ebay. She looks good and has lost a lot of weight due to sickness in India and Paul was the one who brought us up.

Although I relished the information at the time, I wish I didn't know. I hate how depressed I feel after hearing about her.

I've been considering therapy for a while now but am always unsure. For a long time I considered it to be like an emotional dumping ground where I can just leave my baggage and feel better but one day realised that maybe this is a part of the process. Hurt, sadness, anger and rejection belong in life and it's foolish of me to think that I can just take a pill or see a councellor to make me feel happy.

But other times I just want a supportive, listening ear who will tell me on good authority that it'll all be ok. Isn't that what we all occassionally want?

The house is tidier, my period finally left (does that mean I don't have to go to the doctor Bente?), I'm cooking more, finally organised my kitchen shelves, booked an appointment with a dentist (sob sob), started exercising (again) and Chloe and I will have our FIRST CLIENT MEETING next Monday.

Can you believe it? Who would've guessed the thing missing from my life was a little work? Sigh, not me.

But I'm thrilled.

So let me tell you a little about this new client. They're a graphic design company that just ooze talent and funk and not only design, but hold an international design conference (London, New York, Auckland and Sydney) and recently launched an industry mag too. I spend hours on their website and approached them to see if they could do our corporate branding. They don't normally do this kind of work and I didn't know whether we could afford them so I offered our services in kind for their's and they jumped on the idea suggesting an immediate meeting. Woohoo! I can't wait.

Luc and I have also been planning a month long trip to visit his family in Canada in September. The timing sucks given this new venture but I spoke with Chloe and we agree it's better to go now than later. I have a lot of organising to do including passports, tickets, gifts, budgets, work, etc. and Luc and I have been contemplating business class tickets (oh the luxury!) but I don't know if I can justify the money. I think I can given economy will suck with a ten month old.

So it's just all happening.

Today Luc, Hugo and I went to the airport to pick up his cousin who's studying nursing here at university.

We left the house really early (around 7.30am) and returned home around four hours later after a big breakfast to discover I'd forgotten to shut the front door.

Yep. It was wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide open and had been the whole.damn.time.

Have I mentioned Luc works from home in an office full of around, oh I don't know, $10,000 worth of IT equipment?

Thank God everything was still there. The wide screen tv, our four computers, two laptops, my iPod and Bose iPod player, Luc's three thousand dollar Martin guitar. And the office.

The only thing missing was my brain.

Last week I was spending my time contemplating whether to spend more time with my cousin, waiting to hear back from Drew (nope, no news) and wondering why I still had my period (yes, it's been a month).

But this week is all about business. I've been having meetings, writing a business plan, creating brand storyboards and learning about company structures, payroll, GST and record keeping. Eeeeyyyaaaaaahhhhh.

And I must say it's all coming together rather nicely and it's been sooo good. I can finally shrug off my baby brain and work towards something fucking cool.

News of the week: I'm going into business with Chloe!!!

We're starting our own boutique communications agency. It's sooooooooooo exciting.

We've spent the last two days thinking of names and we have have a winner... Wish us luck!

Sophie's been appearing in my dreams a lot lately. Sure I have those girl-lovin' tendencies, but these apparitions aren't half as interesting. In these she'll get in touch with me and want to be friends again and I'll say no. She'll get emotional, cry and try to convince me but I don't budge. How's that for tough huh huh?

Anyhow, what makes these dreams a little more interesting is that I spoke to Allanah and Kris today and they've BOTH heard from her!! Out of the blue. Just like that. And the goss is that she visited India again for spiritual growth, shaved her head and is back and living up the coast with her boyfriend in an apartment her parents own. They both don't have jobs and make money selling clothes on ebay and at the markets.

She's coming back to Sydney next week and I can't help but wonder if I'm going to see her. That would be a freaky trifector.

I was tidying some MP3s tonight when I found them
Like old love letters deeply hidden or words sweetly underlined
In a book
Notes he'd typed to old lovers
Songs they'd shared or given over the years
He'd made me over ten CDs
Hundreds of songs he thought I'd like
Secretly couriered to me at work
I was so flattered at the time
But now realise he forgot to erase so many many words
So painfully interesting to read
And although they're useless to me now
I found ones for me as well

The small, wriggling weevils were discovered while the cleaners were washing the dishes from the night before.

There were about 15 of them on the kitchen ceiling, shiny, white and wormlike. We raided the pantry and found more in packets of flour and self raising flour. I think they like the plain variety better.

Suddenly everything was being thrown out or opened and poured into containers. Cereal, custard powder, bicarbonate soda, corn flour, bread crumbs. The shelves were cleaned. The garbage thrown out. The room sprayed with insecticide.

Lucas had a dream that night about them. The cleaners weren't there. We found them, killed them and then buried them in the garden with little plaques that contained their names.

Weevil Canevil, Clevil, Super Weevil... the list went on.

Hugo's afternoon nap

Am I ever going to complete my laundry?
I never seem to get it all done. Even if I do laundry every damn day, there's always more. It's reached a point where I see laundry as another method of clothes storage... and that just doesn't seem right.

I almost can't be bothered
My cousin Catherine is visiting from Scotland with her fifteen year old daughter for a month. Within five minutes of my 'Welcome to Australia!' call last week, she'd stated my mother was out of bounds and wasn't considered family anymore. She said she wasn't being judgmental, but didn't want to see her or have anything to do with her and hoped I was ok with that.

Just when I thought we could all move on...
We've organised to meet tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it... so I'm taking Harry and Natasha as buffers.

Is working with Drew a good idea?
I've started work with Drew on a very lucrative business she has. It's ideal for me as I can use my skills, learn new ones, work from home, meet clients after hours and actually help people do good for others.
The only downfall is this is a side project for Drew and she's tremendously slack at delivering ANYTHING. It took her two months to meet up to discuss the basics of this deal and I've been waiting for her to review some documents now for over a week. I know she has a full time job, but we're charging people a lot of money so the best service is really in order, yes??

Why can't I find a good women's magazine to subscribe to??
I miss all the mags I used to read through work so I've been looking into some to subscribe to. I LOVE magazines. They're my indulgence, my entertainment and my inspiration. If I had my way I'd subscribe to all the cooking and interior/home design mags but can't find a single women's magazine I like. Sure I enjoy fashion, entertainment and gossip, but just cannot bring myself to read the articles. They're infuriating and far too predictable. The writers seem to circulate in the same tiny groups; I know these crowds and they're boring. Why don't these magazines even come close to representing my world? Where are the beautiful words and captivating stories? Where’s the grit and humour? Even if I pay $10 for a copy and see clothes worth thousands inside, the words and experiences are always shallow and cheap. Why?? The other disappointment was realising a year's subscription to Wallpaper costs $185/year. Yeah right.

Sex blah blah
I had a shocking conversation with Amelia last month. Like me, she's been with Kian for over five years and were talking briefly about our sex lives and I was shocked to discover neither of us really have sex anymore. We're both happy in our relationships and wouldn't want to be with anyone else but all fall asleep as soon as we hit the bed. Don't get me wrong, there's lots of love and affection but no sex. I thought I was the only one and never expected it from them as they're so damned good looking.
I remember when I befriended a former Australian Idol contestant, the first thing people would say when his name was mentioned is that he's a virgin. He embodied this. It was such a shame.
I also hate the way Australian dramas depict sex, it's all they focus on. There’s no substance to the work. Luc and I saw an ad for another 'cutting edge Australian drama' last night and even he asked, 'why are they all so obsessed with sex? Can't they think of anything else?'

I hope Michelle’s ok
I worked with Michelle for three years before she left for an amazing in-house position (mecca for most of us in an agency). Very family orientated, her parents are her best friends and although she's very ambitious, if you get her alone she'll confess that all she wants is be married and have children, which is a very controversial desire in the female dominated, girl-power environment of public relations. She got married last year and is trying for a baby next year, but I just found out her father suddenly died of cancer two weeks ago. They found out two months ago. I can't emphasise how close her family is. I called her and she's a mess. She's taken a month off work and I feel so horribly sad for her and her family. We're meeting next Friday for coffee.

It's Christmas time again!
Hugo has two teeth coming through at the moment (yes on top of being sick, yikes!), but feeling for them each morning is like shaking wrapped presents. Fun!

After a night of very little sleep we took Hugo to the doctor today and he has a cold and a middle ear infection. Poor thing. This is the first time he's ever been sick. He's been such a trooper and only cries when you try to wipe his nose. Actually, crying is an understatement. He acts as if you're trying to suffocate him.

Each Sunday night we have dinner with Kian, Amelia, Ivy and Tom as a wind-down to the weekend. We used to complain about how little we see of each other so this works out perfectly. Gordon also used to come along before he started work as a door bitch in a popular club.

We've been doing it for months now and it was our turn again this week. Everyone was excited as Kian and Amelia have just bought a new house and Hugo's eight months old today, but Hugo needs rest and refuses to sleep when the guys are over so we postponed. This means my roast vegetable lasagna and minted peas with pancetta will have to wait for next week... that is unless I have a trial run, yum!

But I don't quite mind as I wasn't sure if Gordon was coming. I am so annoyed with him at the moment! Pissed. Off! I don't care that we don't see him because he's too busy with the cool crowd. I don't mind that he only calls when he needs something. But I DO mind when he asks me to help write a document, source a photo production lab in China and then asks Lucas to help solve some basic computer problems and doesn't even call or email afterwards to say thanks because he's too busy. That's right. I told him how slack he has when I bumped into him at the mall yesterday and his brush-off excuse was, 'Sorry, been busy'. Boooo!

In other news...hanging out with Penelope was like therapy yesterday. We originally met for Yum Cha, but parted ways five hours later. We haven't seen each other since her mother's wedding last month and yes, it took five hours to get through it all!

I love conversations with close girlfriends as you get to talk about the heavy stuff along with your eyebrow shape and hairstyle, which by the way, are looking good.

Mum bought Hugo a baby walker this week

We tried him in lots of baby models but they were too small

This one was just perfect

Although he only knows how to walk backwards, he just loves it, especially to get a closer view of the telly

I'm so sad today for those who have experienced incredible loss and horror today in London. One of my greatest fears is loosing someone I adore.

I tend to engross myself in the news when events like these take place and I agree with London Mayor, Ken Livingstone when in this statement he said the following:

"I want to say one thing specifically to the world today. This was not a terrorist attack against the mighty and the powerful. It was not aimed at presidents or prime ministers. It was aimed at ordinary, working-class Londoners, black and white, Muslim and Christian, Hindu and Jew, young and old. It was an indiscriminate attempt to slaughter, irrespective of any considerations for age, for class, for religion or whatever."

It just doesn't make sense to me.

Lots of people I've spoken to today are scared that Australia is next, especially as our soldiers are in Iraq with those from Britain and the US. I admit I don't know enough about this to lend an educated opinion. Although I watch the news I always believe there's so much we don't know and at times I just want to forget all the madness by staying in the comfort of my home with those I love most.

I was interested though in the way bloggers have changed how news is reported. Within minutes of the attacks, mobloggers had published their photos online and newspapers were using these and the words of many bloggers in their articles. This site has a great summary of the events from a blogger's point of view. I'm sure they'll come a day when great bloggers threaten the existence of journalists.

What can I say? I'm lacking inspiration and don't feel like writing anything too emotionally heavy, political or insightful so it's quizzes, memes and more damn quizzes for you lot.

As Anna and I used to say at work, this place has gone to the dogs.

I liked this on Bente's blog, so here's my version:

A is for Age - Twenty six
B is for Booze - Vodka
C is for Career - Mother and just started yesterday as a freelance writer (corporate stuff, nothing pretty here people)
D is for Dad's name - Bob, Robert, Asshole
E is for Essential Item to Bring to a Party - What are parties?
F is for Favorite Song(s) of the Moment - Air 'Alone in Kyoto', Fantastic Plastic Machine 'Whistle Song', Moloko 'Forever More' and David Bendeth 'Feel the Real'
G is for Goof Off Thing To Do - Dance and hang with the neighborhood gang of kids
H is for Hometown - Sydney Australia
I is for Instrument You Play - Piano and know one song on the guitar that Luc wrote for me, I know, grossly sweet
J is for Jam or Jelly You Like - Any kind of berry
K is for Kids - One spawn, Hugo
L is for Living Arrangement - Rental with the boys and friends who are hungry or too drunk to know their way home
M is for Mom's Name - Asian name is Tsin Tung so Dad gave her the Western one of Karen
N is for Names of Best Friends - Lucas and probably Penelope
O is for Overnight Hospital Stays - Once (for three days) when Hugo was born
P is for Phobias - Don't really have any, maybe heights
Q is for Quote You Like - I don't know... "A good listener is always thinking of something else", anything by Oscar Wilde
R is for Relationship That Lasted the Longest - Lucas (nearly six years)
S is for siblings - Harry and Natasha
T is for Texas, ever been? - No but I'm hoping to in September
U is for Unique Trait - Probably my obsession with Hugo
V is for Vegetable You Love - Don't really love any like my love for chocolate, custard and cream *drools*
W is for Worst Trait - I get bored of things quickly
X is for X-rays you've had - Left arm (rollerskating, aged 8) and right leg (walking, age 14)
Y is for Yummy Food You Make - Hokkien noodle stir fry, trifle, flourless chocolate cake, chicken and mushroom risotto and all of our friends claim I make the best steak marinade
Z is for Zodiac Sign - Aries

you see someone you haven't for just over a year and your catch up news is that you've had a son who's eight months old this sunday

Thanks to Squirrely Mojo for the insider information.

You scored as Posion. Your death will be by poison, probably because you are a glutton and are around so many people that it would be easy to get away with it. Posion 80% Gunshot 73% Suicide 73% Bomb 67% Natural Causes 53% Disappear 40% Disease 33% Suffocated 33% Drowning 27% Eaten 13% Stabbed 13% Accident 7% Cut Throat 0% How Will You Die?? created with QuizFarm.com

/what a relaxing weekend!
i spent the whole time alone with luc and hugo.
playing, eating, lounging, reading.
every day of each weekend has been filled for the past few months.
we've needed the time out.
i start work on a new project today. i'm so excited. i haven't been excited about work in so many months.
and it has nothing do to with pr.
i think that's why i like it.
but all is not lost as i can still use my skills
which reminds me of napoleon dynamite :)
funny show.
i'm sorry so many of my recent posts have been depressing.
i'd like to gloss it all over but want to be open and honest as well.
there's still so much good in my life.
but you know that.
i feel a change.
i feel like the beginning of summer,
you know when you go out at night for the first time without a jumper. just a singlet and feel warm and comfortably naked.
there's a lot i'm learning to leave behind.
and i feel hopeful.

Do not be fooled by his good looks!

Pick him up the wrong way and you'll experience excrutiating back pain for two days.

Do not. Be fooled.

Today rocked. I fulfilled my extroverted need to socialise and after chatting with Mum and Marisa, went to lunch with Jamie. Leaving the house was liberating after being cooped up for two days. We've had unbelievably heavy rain. I know it's just water, but still...

Lunch with Jamie was exciting. I think she's a perfect edition to the book club and we ironically met in a cafe called The Book Kitchen (we didn't realise until we looked at the menus). We both had the blue swimmer crab cakes (yum!) and spoke of her recent trip to Cuba, her events management company and the eccentric fifty year old artist who uses her as his muse. It was refreshing.

I later came home to a spotless house and took a two hour nap with Hugo. He slept so our faces touched.

We woke up late and the roads were luckily still so we reached Drew's house in no time. I haven't seen her in a couple weeks so we chatted while the boys played video games. It's an ideal arrangement and the dinner was also delicious - homemade Thai green curry and rice followed by freshly baked brownies and sugar strawberries.

More boys crashed over shortly afterwards and we all played some Soul Calibre (Xbox version) before Hugo became too restless for sleep.

So here we are and the house is still. Lucas is snuggled up at the other end of our three-seater looking cute while reading his book. The television is softly playing in the background and we occassionally watch. I desperately want to attack him with affection but can tell his appreciating his space.

I've been dreaming about boys I liked between the ages of 11 and 14 lately. The emotions were intensely new but I always preferred day dreaming from a distance. I wonder why they're resurfacing in my dreams.



The GlassHouse is on and that's one man I've always fancied, Wil Anderson. Cute funny boys get me all the time.