The Contingency Plan

At one point during Charlie's recent wedding, she rose to the podium and delivered a speech that included plenty of praise for her parents for raising her the 'right' way. So like all things, I thought about it and then brought it back to myself - would I say the same thing about my folks?

When I was younger I was desperately envious of parents like Charlie's. Normal, loving and undramatic, they were the kind who gave their children middle names like Jane or Anne, wore non-descript clothing, actually read books and could hold a conversation without saying something dreadfully out of place in a wierd accent.

My small Christian primary school was full of them. None of the mothers wore midrift tops, crimped hair, false eyelashes, had fake boobs or made fish head soup with tofu for dinner. Their fathers didn't play the banjo, smuggle knuckle dusters from overseas to join his collection of swords, have a weakness for Guiness and go to church. And the normal mothers didn't coerce their children into dying their hair... in kindergarten, or make them wear mini skirts and over the knee suede leather boots... to church.

I really fought with my mum about the boots. They were black, flat with absolutely no heel and sat just above my knee, so yes, they were fuck me boots that cost her over $200, which was a lot in those days. Mum had the opinion that 'if you've got it, flaunt it'. She loved my legs so I should show them off.

I hated it though. I was eleven and just wanted to fit in. Cast aside were my favourite outfits - navy and white sailor suit, tartan skirt with matching jacket and gold buttons - and in in their place were these outrageous boots and a teeny black lycra skirt. Like a miniature Asian version of Pretty Woman. Not satisfied with making me wear them to family functions and dinners, Mum made me wear them to school plays and church. Yay, you can already see me fitting in.

But I learnt from a young age that my family and I didn't fit in. We hung out a lot with the Christian crowd so they had to accept us as part of the faith, but I could easily tell that's often as far as it went. Although she tried so hard, Mum never achieved closeness with the conservative clique and sure as hell couldn't go near any of the men for friendship. I was often pitied and more than once became the object of improvement from a well meaning yet totally close-minded woman.

And as a result I started to feel embarrassed and ashamed of my family's eccentricities. I went through a very long phase of befriending the daughters of the do-gooders as I loved going to their tidy and structured homes, complete with their meat and three vege dinners at seven, professional parents and bedtime stories, but always felt horribly uncomfortable. I belonged with the crazies.

Although I managed to retire the black boots when I was around 13, Mum never stopped trying to force her opinion. And despite wearing 'boring' clothes she cursed, I did let loose when I finished high school.

Out of rebellion towards her I became a good, boring, academic student at school. She told me of her drug experiences as a teen so I didn't go near the stuff, she wore revealing clothes so I didn't, she wanted me to skip school so I wouldn't, wherever she went she instantly drew attention from men and I refused to date anyone during high school (not just because of her, guys were terrifed of me due to Dad).

In many ways I was still dying to seem normal and one of the crowd (by conservative standards) but for my last school event, I wanted to break free of this mould, and in fact of any mould.

I searched through clothing stores Sydney wide for days and eventually found a dress in a high-end boutique that fit perfectly. The owner and designer was visiting when I tried it on and loved me in it so much that he tailored it to my exact proportions for free. Black and slinky, it was a short, backless halter-neck number that had a plunging neckline which stopped just above my belly button. I teamed it with a pair of black stillettos, long, straight, jet black hair and dark smokey make up.

And people's shock when I arrived was palpable.

When it came time to enter the venue I walked past a group of parents who had come to take photos and even though I stood taller than most of them, I felt so small when one of the mothers pulled me aside and offered me a safety pin for the top of my dress. My tiny breasts were well hidden under the dress so I was quite surprised.

Finally through with struggling and trying to conform to people's expectations I smiled and thankfully refused her suggestion.

I knew I was still a good, ambitious and intelligent girl but could no longer deny I was also my mother's daughter.

In a similar speech to Charlie's I don't think I would thank my parents for bringing me up the 'right' way. No, I gained far more from my parents teaching me how to walk with confidence when I'm scared, to be proud of who I am (even if the major of people don't agree with it) and giving me an open mind that doesn't move quickly to judge people but simply find out who they are.

And I'm quite happy with that.

In a Past Life...

You Were: A Gorgeous Viking. Where You Lived: Spain. How You Died: Killed in Battle.

Australia's ABC is an intelligent, relevant and groundbreaking independent broadcaster in need of further government funding. Besides boasting one of Australia's only listenable stations, Triple J, it has the best tv programming in the country with brilliant locally produced shows like The Glass House, Kath and Kim, Play School, Foreign Correspondant and Media Watch - something Australians can be proud of.

Soooooo, click here to sign a "Get Up" petition that will go to Canberra and show those pollies not to mess with the Australian institution that is the ABC!

People who started university/college this year were born in 1988

I think I've started this post about fifteen times. And couldn't write earlier because of the obsessive thoughts. Mainly really random things about the accident.

Was it was wise to not look at the body?

I later found out through the Police that the man who died was only 24. And then obsessed about his poor family.

And Chloe took it really well. She just thought the guy was a fool for speeding and moved on.

But I remember speeding on so many occassions.

The whole experience was so surreal. It still is. And I still find myself feeling sad, dispondent and depressed but it's turning into some healthy rage. And you can never have too much of that.

I met Chloe at 10am this morning. We had a meeting for an exciting job with a fabulous jeweller celebrating 10 years of success. Careful attention had been paid to our outfits, hair, accessories and we left the boys happily playing with Rachel.

Minutes later we were by the side of a crushed car. Driver dead and unrecognisable. Ambulance, police and fire department on their way.

He had been speeding extremely fast along the curved and wet road. Chloe had to swerve out of the way, he just missed slamming into our vehicle and was already on our side of the road. I turned and saw the driver's side of his car smash with great force and a loud BAM into the back of a solid council truck, barely avoiding the workers gardening close by.

His car then ricocheted off the truck and into a pole where it laid, silent.

The two cars behind us stopped opposite the crash site and the drivers ran over. Chloe called the police and I saw the council workers run over to the car, check the body.

By the time I reached them there were seven people there. Four or five were on their mobile phones calling the emergency line. The council workers were in shock. A woman came over to me and told me he was dead.

There was no doubt.

Chloe and I were the only ones, besides the council workers to witness the whole thing.

It happened so quickly. Life becoming death in a matter of moments.

Yes, it's one of my lesser points. And no, I'm not talking about celebrity crushes but about every day down-the-road kinds. I seem to have a knack of attracting men I'm awfully compatible with yet can't/won't pursue. U-huh, poor me.

The crushes usually consist of an occassional belly flutter but sometimes develop into thought plagues that consume my dreams and quiet times.

An unassuming encounter. I'm unaware of what's happening until WOW I want to brush skin, be held. Adored. No it's not about sex. It's about the challenge of winning someone's intimacy. The connection of a conversation that just keeps on clicking.

I used to entertain these notions. Push my boundaries until I was right over the edge. Arms waving in big circles. But I now know I'd be left feeling like used teeth on sale so I no longer test. It would be too unfair. To Luc, myself and the poor fellow who's emailing and the other whose text messages I instantly erase. They naturally know it's a no.

And Luc's so busy right now. So overworked. I might see him a hour a day and even then it's not quality time. I feel like an immature child that needs consistent attention because I'm longing.

I miss my piano. I miss sitting. Straight back. Fingers gently resting on weighted keys. Opening my insides and playing for hours until I feel empty and satisfied.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with desire. It's usually during these silent scenes at night when I sit and remember who I am. And I want to dance, feel rain, really rest and be found fascinating but for some reason this all feels out of my reach.

Although the issue is no laughing matter, we chuckled and shook our heads when we read this in some of the international coverage:

"Keep your kids away from flooded drains, be aware of snakes and crocodiles. Those guys will have had a bad night, too." (BBC)

It's Australia so I guess you can't forget about the snakes and crocs....

Monday mornings always pass by so quickly.

Hugo has playgroup at 9.15am, I buy a coffee for myself and Luc. Come home, goof around in the silence and BAM! it's 11am and time to go.

I made a chocolate brownie cheesecake last night. So good.

The house feels cluttered again.

Have deeper things to write about but right now, want to wallow in the shallows.

Today Hugo took his first steps!!!

Yay!!!!

Book Club was a lot of fun last night. I really enjoyed seeing everyone and felt the time flew by so quickly. And although we finished quite late (11pm), I left feeling happy and energised.

There was a mixed reaction to Marakami's "The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle". I loved it, so did Jamie and a few others, but Jack and Jeremy thought it was shit. In fact, out of our five star system, Jack didn't even give it a single star. First time in over two years.

Nevertheless, I find Marakami's writing style calming and relaxing, with the exception of the Manchurian torture scene (that story was ironically the only part of the book Jack appreciated). Beisdes this I was totally engaged. His words are clear, simple and beautiful and although the characters undergo quite powerful experiences, he didn't dramatise anything. I really appreciate that.

I also like how his main characters, usually mature Japanese men, are so unlike what you'd expect. They're lazy, whimsical and apathetic.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the book and if you've read it, would love to hear your feedback on it too.

Charlie got married last Saturday.

Her parents are older, in their early seventies and recently invested their life savings in a man who ran away and left them bare. Once very wealthy, they now live a modest life.

Nevertheless the bride and groom shared the most emotional and heartfelt speeches that melted our cynical exterior a little. The room became rather 'smokey' and even ice queen Penelope shed a single tear.

While eating dinner Pen and I reminised over the years of friendship we've shared, particularly the birthdays we've shared and how we'll soon be turning 27. We're now closer to 30 than to 20 and it doesn't feel all bad.

And while we were wrapped in slight fear and nostaliga Luc suggested we all go out for a very expensive dinner. Just the four of us. Rach or my mother can look after Hugo, we can get dressed up, drink plenty of wine and enjoy an opulent meal. What a wonderful idea! I love it when Luc thinks of really thoughtful ideas that impress me and my girlfriends.

I can't wait.

Maybe with this upcoming birthday these adult shoes I've been wearing will fit a little more.

Despite my three hour siesta yesterday I went to bed early last night (around 10ish) and woke at 7.30am today feeling much better. Also had a good portion of red meat and tofu for dinner to boost my protein and iron levels.

Cooking for Rachael has it's challenges as she's quite fussy and doesn't eat meat, seafood or anything too spicy (basically my whole diet right there). I've been accommodating this in our meals so far as I can't be fucked making two different kinds but give in. I need my meat, seafood and chilli. So does Luc.

***

I think I've been watching too many top model shows as I've started to say 'fierce' in every day language. I love the show but sometimes questions whether we really need more models in the world?

***

Our current real estate agents required 100 points of identification when applying for the lease with demanded bank details for a direct transfer of rent, so I thought they'd have their shit together.

No such luck.

We received a call from them two weeks ago so say someone had recorded our details incorrectly, saying that we'd paid the rent for the year. Obviously this wasn't the case meaning our rent hadn't been deducted since we moved in last year. We owed over five grand and although we could pay it, I was still pissed off at their incompetance. It took them almost five months to realise the mistake!

What is it with this industry?

***

Jack emailed me today but I stopped replying after a few short notes. The correspondence left me feeling depressed. I know he'll be at book club tomorrow night and I'm not sure how I feel about seeing him again, even though we left things between us amicably.

***

Although we've paid off all of our recent debts, Luc and I have decided to sell our car and put the money towards his business. I thought I would care, but I'm seriously not fussed about driving around a cheaper car. Although we've had our challenges and sacrifices, I feel we're really pushing ahead towards something, although I don't quite know what that is...

***

People I currently have a crush on include Ellen, Brendan Moar (gardener on his own cable tv show called Moar Gardening) and maybe Tyra Banks. Love Ellen the bestest though.

***

Is anyone (besides project completing primary school students) even remotely interested in the upcoming Commonwealth Games?

***

I'm so tired. I know this will sound melodramatic, but I feel like the core of my body is worn-out. And that explains why I haven't been updating. I had a three hour nap with Hugo today and woke up still weary. Blah. Exhausted. Need more sleep. Need more meat?? Need to stop, collaborate and listen.

I've started reading a beautiful book, 'The Wind-up Bird Chronicle" by Haruki Murakami. Oh I love it. I think this will be the first book I'll finish in over a year. I have book club this Thursday night so I'm hoping to finish it before then, though I doubt I will.

I've read his "Norwegian Wood" book twice. And after reading it went through a big 'I love all things Japanese' phase, which is why I have a Japanese psuedonymn. When I read his words I feel like the world and all my raging thoughts are quiet and still.

Two of my favourite artists, kozyndan are coming to Sydney this weekend.

So if you're out and about go and check them out....

Outré Gallery Sydney
13a Burton Street (near the cnr of Crown Street)
Darlinghurst NSW 2010
02 9332 2776

Gordan and I are planning to go around 2pm.

Not sure what's happened but in the last few days I've been a good girl.

I've been stretching and doing a few exercises when I wake up and before I go to bed. I've been productive at work (clients are loving us), I'm eating less junk food and (I think this is key), I've been cutting off work and achieving more balance.

Instead of more work last night, I spent the whole time playing with Hugo. I can't explain how good it felt. And he went to sleep really quickly afterwards. Beautiful.

And it's all totally unintentional.

This Friday the last two people I worked with at my old agency are leaving to go travelling. After this I will know no one on the team.

The guy who was hired to take my place has been promoted to Account Director as he's the most senior person left (and I hear very good at what he does), something I'd probably be if I were still there working in a full time capacity. Sure I don't regret anything, but I would be on a $110k+ salary, have my own team and be at the top of my game.

Again, not complaining or feeling regret, just wondering.............

I think this would be the saddest way to go. Alone. For months. Decomposing. Neighbours calling the cops after realising your mail is accumilating, you're never around and of course there's the stench.

Rachel tells me the same could've happened to her grandmother. She lived two hours away, went a little nuts in the end and kept accusing everyone of trying to steal her money. Tensions rose, they barely saw eachother.

Even though my parents infuriate me, I couldn't let them fade away, alone like this. It's heart breaking. Pointless.

Sometimes I think that's why there are so many bloggers around. I don't think we're writing for ourselves, but to create a public account of our thoughts and lives. I wrote a journal for years and would often wonder who would read it when I'm not around anymore.

After the spade of deaths I experienced recently I wrote thoughts about my funeral and belongings in my journal and of course mentioned this blog as otherwise, how would you know if I'd just given up writing here, like I'd contemplated so many times before. But I'm sure you'll all be stuck with me for a looong while to come though :)

The profile picture from this page is gone but you can easily find it...

Yes, this will be a theraputic post, one that will save me years of punching into my pillow and explain some of my recent angst

1. My mother says mean things when she's mad. She doesn't know how to argue nicely and will not hesitate in disowning or insulting me when she's angered
2. I apparently have no right to get upset or angered by this and if she calls me (sans apology) I should act like nothing happened
3. If I do otherwise I'm showing no respect for her and she'll call all her friends and neighbours and speak to random people on the street to bitch about my lack of appreciation for her
   
4. Even though they've been engaged for years, I still haven't met Mum's fiance, I can't remember why. Like everything else, I have no right to be upset about this as she's my mother and I should respect her no matter what she does
5. Because of this, I don't know where she lives (haven't for years) and she won't give out her home number
   
6. She flaunts her lover's money all.the.time. Tiffany rings, convertible sports cars, first class trips around the world... whatever makes you happy, but it annoys me how the money makes her act superior to everyone
   
7. Mum blatantly favours my brother. She's even bought a property for him, without him even wanting it. When he asks her to stop behaving this way (taking him lunch at work, giving him pocket money, buying him clothes, etc.), she acts like a wounded victim and will tactlessly call me crying
8. If I call her to meet up she'll always need to consult her calendar, even if the event is months away, which I find unnecessarily pretentious
9. She gets angery at my Dad for things she also does. When I point this out point no. 1 will occur
10. She's still angry at me for not supporting her enough during her divorce, even though she split the country for six months straight after the separation, not letting anyone know where she was, whether she was alright and leaving me to support my younger brother and sister
    
11. Mum indiscriminantly complains to people about the weight I've put on in recent years. She's even done this to a number of close friends of mine who defended me and later told me
12. Both parents consistenly lie to me, often about stupid things that I easily find out
    
13. Dad will do almost anything to avoid saying sorry even if it means avoiding me for a year
    
14. He's a total coward when it comes to confrontation
    
15. Dad is a womaniser and has no problem picking up girls younger than me in front of me. If I bring it up he'll deny it and then carry on as if I said nothing - time and place Dad, time and place!
16. He has major issues when it comes to money and can be quite stingy with everything except gifts for his girlfriends
    
17. His favourite thing to do is to complain. Usually about money or what to do with his many girlfriends
18. Both are totally self-engrossed, show absolutely no interest in anything I or my siblings do and invest their time in useless people
19. Despite all of this, I deeply love them, am often soft, give in, forgive easily and am highly protective of them, which of course makes me feel like a manipulated fool

...And breath out.

So two years ago I was a stoner and this year I'm a pig...

You Are Miss Piggy

A total princess and diva, you're totally in charge - even if people don't know it. You want to be loved, adored, and worshiped. And you won't settle for anything less. You're going to be a total star, and you won't let any of the "little people" get in your way. Just remember, piggy, never eat more than you can lift!

Things I like about staying awake looong into the night:

1. The almost naughty silence
2. The music on tv/radio, it's a little more relaxed and not trying to impress its younger audience with candy
3. The way my mind seems to gain clarity and revel in words, connections, beautiful things
4. The indulgent time that's just mine
5. Risking it by going to the loo with the doors wiiiide open or walking around semi-nude

I feel like I'm on the verge of getting sick. My throat is a little constricted, lacking moisture and my body feels drained. Hugo's been sick and I live in a constant state of fear when he's like this.

And we'll be busy this weekend too. I have Charlie's hens 'afternoon tea' tomorrow afternoon, four friends coming over for dinner tomorrow night and more social engagements on Sunday. Luc's also meeting with my old investors on Monday 13th regarding his business so nearly every of his waking moments is filled.

I might cancel everything to stay indoors with my boy.