The Contingency Plan

i feel like a fat, grumpy old bitch today. exhausted and having run out of ice cream, i've been nauseas for the last three hours and i just want to throw up already.

but i can't.

i actually wake up happy to the thought of wolfie each morning and there are so many days i'm delighted to be pregnant, but today isn't been one of them. 

i still haven't cleared my cloud of shock. my new dimensions are foreign, my judgement feels cloudy, i'm emotional and people are still just finding out, so i'm playing like a broken record. you have to understand i haven't had a regular period (hence no PMS) in four years so i now feel like one massively inflated and vengeful hormone. and i hate it.

but apparently i'm glowing and beautiful. i'm told this nearly every day so i should feel spoilt, but i'm way too frustrated.

and it's not the baby i'm frustrated with. it's the experience of pregnancy and the way it's suddenly invaded my life, taking over everything - my thoughts, my emotions and my body. i even hate the sound of the word now. or today at least.

and right now, i just want to be able to lie... comfortably.

i know revenge isn't necessarily mature, but fuck it.

i've been trying to get in touch with jack now for a few weeks to let him know i'm pregnant (as it would be horrible for him to find out in front of everyone at the book club next week), but in true post-shag form, he hasn't been returning my calls.

anyhow, he smsed me last night at around 10.30pm with the message 'sweet dreams, speak soon, jack'. i think this one tiny message was suppose to make up for his weeks/months of rudeness.

so this morning i messaged him back saying 'guess what, i'm pregnant!'

and he's called me eight times today.

i'm not feeling very motivated today.

i thought i was over the yucky part of pregnancy, but i'm not, so i'm home sick. again. i feel bad as it seems i'm never at work. i am, but i'm not in spirit. and i think they can tell. i feel horrible as they've been so good to me lately. i really need to kick my ass into gear.

lucas isn't working today. he only works 2-3 days a week, but 12 hours each time, and gets paid almost double what i do. not exactly fair, but i would hate to sit in front of a computer that whole time.

anyhow, we've been hanging out today (we didn't get a chance over the weekend as he was working) and it's been so nice. he's been taking care of me. i was napping and caught him talking to my belly. i nearly cried. yes, still hormonal... it melted me to watch him.

so i'm loving today's set up. i have a connection to my work server and email and i can communicate to everyone through messenger and think i could easily work part time from home.

AND for the first time in a year i'm getting tv today too, woohoo!

today is soooo sweet.

even though i did nothing all morning, i'm seriously busy now that i'm pregnant. suddenly all these people want to see lucas and me, and we have plans for the next three weekends. having a baby really seems to produce joy and unite people.

and it's not just with my friends and family either. some of my friends at work are really getting involved, one of my them commented that she's going to live and breath this baby. this would normally be of concern, but i guess she does sit next to me. and everyone calls the baby wolfie now too. we have jokes about taking wolfie out for a walk at lunch and it's quite funny seeing people like my boss and md using the nickname too.

anyhow, i'm have to go off to a party now, then i'm hanging out with my brother and tomorrow i'm meeting up with a girlfriend for lunch, doing a little bit of work, housework and then hanging with our neighbours as they're moving out next week, something i'm very sad about, but thankfully haven't cried over! 

it's 3pm and i'm still in my pajamas. i slept until 1pm, had a slice of left over pizza, some ice cream and then watched episodes of futurama on dvd.

i feel pretty guilty but think my days of doing this are limited. 

i still find myself in shock about being pregnant. i went shopping for the first time since finding out on thursday and was alarmed at how much i've popped. no one could tell i was pregnant two weeks ago and now its visually undeniable. my pants no longer fit and due to back and stomach aches, i was actually waddling yesterday. it's such a dramatic change.

i'm also adjusting to how emotionally sensitive i am. i've never been a hard hearted person, but it's so easy now for me to cry now. i cried last night when overwhelmed with love for lucas, i weeped when a friend told me of the grief her and her girlfriend experience as they try to have a baby, and am ashamed to report i cried during a freekin commercial. i would've been mortified if i weren't so damn upset. 

i just hope this doesn't continue after the birth as then i'll really be screwed. being a weepy, oversensitive chick is one of the last things i want to become! 

oh well, back to ice cream and futurama for now...

the butterfly catcher
 
josh emailed me today.
 
every time he does it makes my jaw clench, a rush of blood floods through my arms and chest, my nipples harden and i feel like smoking, like locking my doors, making my hair wild and dancing naked in the dark.
 
he can make me do wrong.
 
and i want to forget.
 
when we first met i underestimated the small feelings i kept finding under my fingernails, in my hair, my bellybutton and the small of my back. he was unexpected. he has horrendous dress sense. and despite my occassional efforts to stay clean, he claimed my flutters, half beats and sighs.

oh yes, pr and journalism do have a bitter sweet relationship.
 
ours lasted intensely for six months. i was the one whose attitude infuriated and intrigued him, who tied him up, had sex in the park, talked dirty while she was around and liked to be bitten. i didn't want him full time. dessert is always sweeter and this increased his appetite. 
 
but i discovered he'd seeped in. i fell in love but never asked him to leave her. i knew he wouldn't. i'd already left lucas before i started to graze.  i had silently lost, knew i would from the start and felt out of breath.

even after i washed myself free he'd still write. he wanted to keep in touch and occasionally indulge fantasies. i nonchalantly didn't let him. i know he still would now, even though it ended such a long time ago.

so today i told him about wolfie, about utter happiness with lucas and he said he still misses me.

and wants to meet up next week. 

Nine to Five
 
At the end of an alley way between a boutique of shoes and one of Sydney's finer restaurants, past the graffiti, garbage cans and a storage space for the Australian Centre of Photography you'll find a shiny three story glass and steel building surrounded by a jacaranda purple wall and a tall metal grate.
 
Once buzzed into the building and through a hallway of glass you'll approach a reception desk in the shape and colour of a big green apple. Originally designed to turn into an after hours bar, the area to the left of the apple is adorned with a sofas of fuchsia and eggplant, and a low riding silver coffee table that boasts a striking arrangement, created by a local artist who was originally a plumber.
 
My work place radiates colour and light. Each outside wall is made of glass and is designed to provide plenty of sunlight and take advantage of an irresistible afternoon breeze. 
 
But beyond this, one of the things you'll notice first and foremost is the noise. Yes, we're all positively mad. I know I've raved about how much I want a break, but that's more a reflection of me.
 
My boss, Bridget, started the company 14 years ago as she was tired and bored of being corporate. She left and the three biggest accounts in the agency/country followed.
 
Bridget is a big, boisterous and contagiously funny Jewish woman that spills throughout the office greeting us in Japanese or telling us of her latest faux paus. There's usually one each week. I think it's why clients, journalists and celebrities love her so much. She's extremely intelligent, witty and blunt but not afraid to seem silly; she's not afraid to be herself, in full technicolour with the sound comfortably blasted up high.
 
And then there are the stories. She's always full of stories. Like the time her son's nanny ordered ham and pineapple pizza for his birthday party, which was attended by many of his classmates who attend Sydney's most exclusive Jewish primary school. Apparently the mortification on the faces of the yuppie mothers who witnessed their precious children happily wolfing down the pizza was priceless. Bridget spent the next Monday afternoon in her son's principal's office, being rebuked while sitting on one of those tiny primary school chairs. She was then made to staple a stack of newsletters. 
  
Or there's the brilliant deal she has with her hairdresser, Dolly. He receives free botox injections (from Bridget's plastic surgeon hubby) and in return Bridget gets her hair done whenever she likes. The result is that Dolly actually looks like one and often comes into the office with a kit of equipment to do Bridget's hair during a management meeting or something else inappropriate.
 
Today she is being filmed about her stomach, which was recently stapled. One of my friends is wearing a black glittery t-shirt she made (as a joke), which says our company rocks, our accountant has her dog here (Andy the dog joins us about once a week), and another colleague has her luggage by her desk as she's flying (first class) to Greece tonight. Her dad's worth over $250 million and she thinks Jessica Simpson has the perfect marriage. Today we also start training for an internal competition where an internship at one of London's most prestigious PR agencies is up for grabs. The company will pay for us to fly there for a month, provide our accommodation and a basic living allowance. Apparently the money was on me winning before Wolfie came along. Dang.
 
Anyhow, I think I'm pretty lucky to work here.

He loves me with kindness
Rich, three-dimensional waves of
Gold, blonde and bronze
Thick and gentle gushes that
Wash over my cruelty
Impatience indifference
And the cool grey outline of a girl with
Cold feet and a waning heart to
Whisper sweet melodies while
I sleep with punctured passions
Searching for focus with
Scattered childish lines for direction
He returns to fill me with tears that
Soothe my anguish with waves
Smooth and syrupy and
Baby smells of simplicity
To move me, sore and still

Our apartment is best experienced in the morning when luminous blue skies and lush green bush surround you and the light dances between the water and our while washed walls.
 
I'm writing a quick note as I wait to shower. A weekend tradition that Lucas and I love is to sleep in a little, shower together and then meander out for breakfast, but our current facilities are a little too small for us to do the second part enjoyably.
 
Going out for breakfast or brunch is so indulgent. We often meet friends, read the paper and talk while the air is still crisp and our minds are fresh. Due to our waterfront location, the small, walk-away cafes are always bustling and smelling of tempting, aromatic coffee. People are out for their morning jog or walking by to pick up flowers and a few breakfast essentials, dressed in comfortable casual wear and often walking labradoodles or other small dog varieties. Although we're so close to the city, our suburb is like a little village with rows of small shops, paved pathways and a relaxed atmosphere. I love it.
 
Anyhow, the shower is now free and I'm feeling inspired so I shall go and perhaps write a little later on... Have a great day! 
  

Make a mental note

It's interesting how things you were conditioned to believe when you were younger resurface when you're older and least suspect it.

Despite how melodramatic my family are now, we had a rather strict Christian upbringing: I went to a private Christian primary school and my family were very involved with an intense, world reknown church for around 11 years. My brother and sister still go there. I broke free when I was around 18 to determine my own convictions and although I could rave on about this, I won't today.

Anyhow, I'm thinking about this because although I'm happily pregnant, I sometimes find myself conscious that I am without a wedding band on. This is strange because I don't even want to get married right now.

I first noticed this pattern when I was in a clothing store and slipped the only ring I occassionally wear from my right hand onto my wedding ring finger. The move was swift and furtive and although the ring was a little big, I didn't care. For some reason I didn't want strangers to think I was easy, unloved and unsupported. And I know the chance judgement of these strangers shouldn't matter.

I use to have the same trouble with sex. Although my mum encouraged me to experiment with my sexuality to know what I like and dislike, I was taught for years that sex was meant only for married couples. So despite the fact that I waited for someone I really loved (at first), I still felt extremely guilty. I guess being kicked out of home for that very reason (sex before marriage) wasn't condusive to new paradyms at the time.

Do you also find yourself doing similar things?

And it's here I wonder what beliefs and conditions I'll raise my child with. It's such an important consideration as I don't want him/her to make decisions out of fear. Principles, yes.

Soooo maybe it's time for me for me to do the same thing... and cement that ring firmly on my right hand.

Baby baby

I am all babied out. I've spent the last two days surrounded by pregnancy books, baby name books, baby pamphlets, baby magazines, baby websites and I've had enough! It's kinda freaky getting the books and instantly flipping half way through to week 20... I think I've done five months worth of research and have received more calls than I have in the last two months combined!

Nevertheless I'm feeling much more organised. I've booked my first doctor and midwife appointments, have decided on a hospital, have called them to get booked in, have a list of all the baby essentials I'll need before then and have already bookmarked a few products so I'm all sorted for now. Lucas and I have even started discussing names!

But I'm really looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I went a little stir crazy towards the end of this afternoon from boredom and a lack of stimulation, but I've always been like that. It's the reason why I never continued freelancing before entering agency work. And to think I wanted to take a few months off and do nothing! Two days has been enough. I draw energy from being around others. I only hope I won't be the same once I'm home with the baby 24/7. I'll have to create little side projects and people to see to keep me occupied. Hell, I'll have a baby to look after... must remember that...

And on the topic of people, someone asked me today whether I'm going to call Sophie to let her know. I don't think I will, but it reminded me how much my circle of friends has changed. Those I used to be close with (and there's around 5-6 of them) don't even know I'm pregnant and I'm in no hurry to tell them either. I wonder if I'll turn into one of those women who just hangs out with other mums. That scares me. Eeskh.

Anyhow, I'm now ravenously hungry, so it's time to feed Wolfie again, yes the baby has picked up that nick name from Lucas's name preferences. We think it's quite funny. Better than Tiger, King or Boris! Mind you the poor thing will be Chinese, Scottish, Croatian and Italian so we really should cut it some slack...

The Picture Frame

I have the day off work today. The powers there know about the baby and offered me some time to come to grips with everything and put in it perspective a little more.

I wanted to tell management about my pregnancy as soon as possible as we don't have a lot of time to plan our next steps. Although I was a little concerned about what their reaction would be like, their comfort and support has been encouraging and empowering.

My Managing Director found out yesterday and instantly took me out for coffee. She said she can't comprehend the shock I must be in and wanted to make sure I was ok. We talked for over an hour and she assured me a full time job is there for me whenever I'm ready to come back. We made an informal company announcement in the afternoon and the office was filled with excitement, hugs, claps, shock and screams. Just imagine 20 ecstatic women crowding around you and all you can see is big smiles and laughter.

So today I'm at home and Lucas has gone to buy us some lunch. He's had the last two days off work and the time alone has provided a lot of clarity. He spoke with a good friend and his mother yesterday and I think they helped him decide what he wants to do.

His good friend, Zyby, is an artist who has two children and they had a long discussion about the situation. Lucas said it helped him realise his perspective on this was all wrong. The two of them then went shopping for a car and it looks like we're buying an Audi in the next four weeks. Lucas was adamant about having a nice, reliable car for us to drive the baby around in. That was touching.

I also realised he had no time to digest and move beyond his initial fear and shock after the infamous ultrasound. He had to go straight to work that night, came home after 12 hours to sleep, then returned for a Friday night 12 hour shift, came home and we spent the weekend entertaining his aunt and uncle who were visiting from Canada.

So now I think he's catching onto everyone's excitement. His mom called us again today and it made me happy to hear him joke about names and to hear how thrilled they all are.

Although things have improved, I know they're not over. I think we'll both freak out every now and then, but at least I know that we're trying to frame things together to make this work out.

i woke to warm kisses
whispers on my forehead
rubs on my belly
tight embraces
and for a moment forgot the billowing words
that circle with a metallic sheen
he licked my tears
apologised
said i was the only one

i can't stop sobbing.
lucas doesn't want our baby.
he questions whether he can love it.
he doesn't understand how i could feel excited by the lotion of it.
the sacrifice and commitment outweigh the joy.
kids don't excite him.
so i can't stop sobbing.
i feel broken.
out of focus.
this isn't the ideal situation for me, but i'm trying to make the most of it.
so i can't believe he's like this.
i thought i'd have more.
i thought i'd have something.
so we're giving him some time to adjust.
a few days, a few weeks, he's not sure.
if he doesn't then i'm leaving.
i feel so emotional that i don't know how i'm going to sleep tonight, let alone work tomorrow.
i feel ripped off.
utter sadness.

I've noticed I crave attention and affection when I feel insecure. I want to be snuggled under someone's armpit, I want to hold hands and feel warmth. I want to be hugged, kissed and touched to affirm all will be ok.

I'm so excited about this baby now. I can't tell you how it engrosses my thoughts and influences my decisions. I quietly map out my every meal to ensure it contains all the major food groups, won't tip an aggressively fast taxi driver and god-forbid, I'm considering exercise! I went shopping today and for the first time wasn't interested in clothes for myself and became mesmerised with tiny denim mini-skirts, shrunken cordoroy pants, and funky printed tops. I would've bought something if I knew the sex of the wee one.

And there's so much to plan now: time with an obstetrician, a good hospital, pre-natal classes, health insurance and baby basics. Eeshk.

And this is where the insecurity comes in. I'm so happy and excited but Lucas isn't. In fact he hasn't told a single person, not even his mother, and I feel like sharing this with everyone. He's changed his mind and yesterday wanted to talk abortion options, but I can't to do that now so far into in the pregnancy, not to mention the health complications because of my medical history. I'd rather be on my own. It makes me gravely upset to think about it. I'm hoping the shock will die down and that he'll come around, but I'm scared that it won't and that this will ruin us. I feel alone in this even though he is physically with me as I'm the only one looking to the future and happy by it.

And this is when I feel absolutely desperate for the affirmation.

A lesson I really hope to learn soon is that I shouldn't judge others. Yes, this sounds simple and straight forward enough, but I'm obviously not learning it.

I use to mock people who met online, but then I met Lucas and well, you know the rest.

I use to look down on those who had affairs, but then I did that very thing to the man I adore most.

When a friend of mine unintentionally fell pregnant I felt sorry for her, but thought I'd never do that as I'm way too organised and have my shit sorted.

Likewise, I use to hear stories of women who discovered they were pregnant when they were five or six months into it and think, how could these women be so clueless?

So, as you can probably guess, I found out today that I am five month's pregnant. Oh the shock! No turning back now as my choice has been made up for me. And although I'm still bewildered, I'm moreso relieved.

Lucas came with me to the ultrasound and during it we saw its little head, its spine, its belly, its little hands and feet and I'm so in love. Smitten. I no longer think I'm mad when I can feel something moving - yes! It already moves, especially at night. It must be a night owl like me. We tried finding out its sex, but the cheeky thing was lying and its side and wouldn't let us.

Anyhow, I'm feeling tired, excited, shocked, happy and hungry......... hm, I have to admit this must have been one of the easiest pregnancies as I've hadn't experienced morning sickness, cravings, sore breasts and I'm just starting to show now.

But less talk and more food.

Today is ultrasound day. I'm having it done in two hour's time and I'm a little scared. My palms are sweaty, my tummy's jittery and I'm restless. As cowardly as it sounds, my dream is that they'll find a cyst instead and say my hormones have just been going a little crazy so I won't have to deal with the situation.

I guess this will concrete any suspicions I have. I wish I could fast forward to two week's time. That way, a decision would've been made and further action would've been taken from there.

I can't believe how hard this has been, how emotional I've become and how vulnerable I feel. I desperately want a close circle of people around me and I'm feel like I'm getting more support from others than I am from Lucas. We've been arguing every day for the past few days. He's been tired (from work) and I'm stressed so our combination isn't favourable. And it further scares me how we're not getting along. I know I'll make this decision with what I ultimately want in mind (as let's be honest, I'm the one that will be looking after the baby if anything horrible happens between Lucas and I), but still, I'd like to go through everything together.

Anyhow, it's time to start drinking water... wish me luck!

i don't think lucas and i will make good parents. we're so indecisive. the past four days have been anti-baby days and today we're pro-baby to the point where we started discussing baby names.

his suggestions were king, wolf, tiger and boris.

hm.

as i said, i don't think lucas and i will make very good parents.

i'm sleeping on the couch again tonight. lucas is working and i just can't bring myself to sleep in our bed without him. he'd be upset to know i'm here, but it's so much warmer and lovelier with him in it.

i remember i couldn't sleep the first few nights we were together. i was just too excited. i would quietly cuddle up to him to feel his warmth, hear his breath and watch him sleep, praying i wouldn't get caught. i was also afraid of doing something grossly embarrassing, like farting or snoring. yes, we're way past that now.

lucas and i met online nearly five years ago on yahoo chat. i was doing a uni assignment and decided to go online to clear my head. we ended up chatting for eight hours and even though he was living in canada, i called him a few days later to say 'hello'. nine months and many astronomical phone bills later, he left his job, his friends, his family and his sanity to come and meet me. i thought it would make a good story either way.

i had to wake up at 4am to make his 6am arrival and his plane was nearly an hour late. unlike my usual self, i forgot to bring emergency reading material and was afraid that if i left to buy some i'd miss him, so i just sat there with a sense that the last nine months were dependent on these next few moments. we'd exchanged 'i love yous', we'd shared every experience we could over the hours we'd talked each day on the phone, and had many hours of amazing phone sex - i had so many hopes pinned to him.

i instantly recognised him at the airport. he was the most stylish and handsome man i'd seen, so naturally, i impressed him by getting lost on the way back from the airport and then falling asleep almost within two hours of being in our hotel room.

anyhow, i miss him so much and his new working hours mean that he's always drained and tired. it's not his fault. i'm just finding it hard as i have such a big decision to make and want him and his attention all to myself. he's currently like a sleepy shadow. yes, sometimes i am a brat, but sometimes i feel alone too.

i feel like getting high. i feel like dancing through a maze of gushing colours that bounce off my razzle dazzle to disarm you with a smile. sweat dripping like gold down tall legs, i am shameless. eyes closed. hips moving to every slow and steady synchopatation. i'd dance until my hair is wild, until you'd dream of me crawling on the cold, and my desires are free and floating through the thick. and you'd watch me from afar, lusting with no release. warm skin rising. i'd move until the music had stripped my skin of its essense and had carried it to your tide, which lingers to flirt with sand. i feel like getting high, so high my laugh sounds like a thousand stolen symphonies. i want to climb until my licked lips taste like a rainbow sweet thrill and my shredded heart no longer bears a metallic reflection. and i'd burst like golden dynamic to fall like glitter in a storm.

A few months ago, my company had the Managing Director of the Australian Tourism Commission speak to us about the Commission's new branding campaign.

Full of classic imagery: burnt red earth, coral blue waters, bright golden sands, lush green bush and vibrant cityscapes, we saw a sneak preview of the ads and despite having some hard cookies at work, we were all a little softer and secretly misty eyed afterwards.

He also took us through the process of how to create a brand that represents a whole country. Some of the results are brand values such as irreverence, optimism, mateship, inclusiveness, originality, honesty and a grounding that has a 'no bullshit' approach to life. I like how they actually wrote this 'no bullshit' business into their branding guidelines.

At the end of the second world war, George Orwell wrote that patriotism is "devotion to a particular place and a particular way of life, which one believes to be the best in the world but has no wish to force upon other people. Patriotism is of its nature defensive, both militarily and culturally."

I've never considered myself to be patriotic. When I think of patriotism, I think of loud, brassy and obnoxious Americans (no offence) who ignorantly believe their country and culture supercedes any other on the planet. Gross generalisation I know, but anyhow, Orwell's definition of the term has challenged me.

Unlike many of my friends, I know the words to my national anthem. I can point out the Southern Cross constellation. I eagerly drank the vibe of the Olympic games in 2000 and while no one was looking, chanted 'Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi Oi Oi' with the crowd (I otherwise cringe whenever I hear this) and it felt good.

I live directly on the harbour seawall and am richly spoiled each day with intimate views of the harbour bridge, the opera house, luna park, the clean blue water and it's surrounding, almost cleansing light.

I love getting lost at the beach, then walking in my salty thongs to a nearby pub with sand my my hair to drink cold beer and dance to a chilled out DJ.

And I love how we're a young country and because of this, we're full of energy and curiosity. We're ambitious, yet don't take ourselves too seriously.

Don't get me wrong, like any place I'm well aware of my country's downfalls, yet despite this I am quietly proud and silently still in love.

cranial balancing acts

i know, i know, i've been obsessed. all i write and think about is this baby. my hormones are going crazy, i'm literally crying every damn day, i can't eat and i can't sleep.

so, i've decided to have some time out as i'll be fine no matter what i decide. i have to remind myself that i've received the best outcome possible as i don't have PCOS (or something worse) and can obviously fall pregnant. there will be joy and pain no matter which route i take.

lucas has been working nights for the past few days so we need time to regroup and talk. i'm having an ultrasound and a doctor's appointment on monday and then a decision will be made.

that's my plan of attack.

yes.